Series - The Generous Husband

FF: Servant Leadership in Marriage: Debunking the Control Myth

by The Generous Husband | Sep 27, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Headship/Submission, Series

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I know, I know, you’re the husband, which makes you the boss. The boss is clearly in control, so that means you’re in control. The only control problem in marriage is women who won’t accept that their husband is in control!

A lot of us were taught something along these lines, but the Bible doesn’t actually say that. The Bible says husbands are to be servant leaders, just as Christ was a servant leader.

Some will argue Jesus is in control. Jesus Himself would disagree; He was very clear God was in control, while He, Jesus, only did what He saw God doing. Please don’t think this is just a technicality, it’s a critical fact we MUST understand if we have any hope of being the kind of husband and servant leader God calls us to be. Being the leader of your home is not about being in control, and it certainly is not about doing things the way you want them to be done. Jesus didn’t want to go to the cross, but He did. “Not my will, but your will be done” is what each of us needs to say to God about how we lead our family. Jesus was willing to go as far as dying; how far are we willing to go for our wife and children?

The other thing about being a servant leader is following such a leader is optional. It’s not optional if a wife wants to be obedient to God, but there is no provision for the servant leader to enforce following. Just as Jesus will let us go our own way, we have to be willing to let our wife ignore our attempts to lead. If you’re a true servant leader, and your wife chooses not to follow you, please pray for her, because it’s not going to go well for her. If you’re behaving rightly, and she’s not following you, it’s God’s problem to deal with. On the other hand, if you’re not leading properly, or are not leading at all, those are also God’s problems to deal with.

Enough on control; on to something new!

[This post first appeared Sept 11, 2012.]

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FF: Scorched Earth: When Control Becomes Destructive

by The Generous Husband | Sep 20, 2024 | Be a grownup, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Series

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The “scorched earth” or “nuclear option” approach to control is the ugly result of deciding if you can’t be in control, then the next best thing is to make sure your wife is not in control either. It becomes okay, more or less, not being in control because you have ensured she doesn’t have any control. Any hint of control is attacked, and fairly stupid things are done in the name of making sure your spouse has as little control as you have. The methods for doing this are most of the ones I listed in 10 Sneaky Ways Men Try to Control Their Wives and Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Pitfalls and Better Solutions.

The less extreme and far more common form of this is done selectively; either in a few areas, or only when you’re feeling especially out of control. This form is less obvious, both to the one doing it, and the victim. Think about it a bit, does this explain something your wife does from time to time? Does it explain something you do from time to time? Does it explain some problem area of your marriage?

If you’re on the receiving end of this, study your lady and try to learn to anticipate when it is going to happen. Once it happens, you’re not dealing with her at her most rational, and your best options are to try to de-escalate the situation or just walking away as best as you can. If you realise you’ve done this to your wife, try to figure out what triggers it so you have a chance of preventing it before you get too far in to see or care.

[This post first appeared Sept 10, 2012.]

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Is God Your Co-Pilot or Your Captain?

by The Generous Husband | Sep 13, 2024 | Faith walk, Seeing Clearly, Series

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Speaking of control, have you seen the bumper sticker proclaiming “God is my co-pilot”?

merriam-webster.com defines co-pilot as:

a qualified pilot who assists or relieves the pilot but is not in command

I think that is how many of us think of God; He’s there to assist us, but He. Is. NOT. In. Command. He’s not in control; we’re in control. We like Him, we think He has some good ideas, and we say we trust Him, but our actions say “trust but verify”.

The thing about God is He will let us be in control, if that’s what we want. Even though He knows it will end badly for us, He will let us. Even though He knows it will hurt us, and our spouse, and our marriage, He will let us be in control. This is the one control fight you can “win”, and the one you really need to “lose.”

FF: The Dangers of Sexual Control in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Aug 30, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, Series, Sexuality

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Sex is a huge control issue in many marriages; be it controlling when sex happens or using sex to gain control of other areas (aka manipulating).

First to the wives reading along: using sex to get control of other things, or exerting control to limit sex, are both exceptionally bad ideas. Neither is loving nor godly, and both will hurt your marriage relationship. If you want your husband to stop caring, if you want him to just go through the motions of marriage while slowly slipping away, doing these things is one of your best bets. However, if you want a healthy marriage, if you want your relationship to grow, then you need to avoid these things.

Now that I have told the ladies what most husbands want them to hear, it’s time to deal with the guys.

First, what I said above to the women is true for men as well. The best estimates say 30% of wives are frustrated by a lack of sex, and I would bet most of those women have been on the receiving end of sexual control games. If you want her to leave, or just to leave you alone, carry on; if you want your marriage to continue, or get better, then knock it off.

The big sexual control issue for men is trying to get sex with various forms of manipulation. Once you start getting sex by using shame, guilt, or threats (such as “I might lose control and doing something stupid”), you’ll find it increasingly difficult to get sex without these things. Likewise, if you start getting her to say yes to sex by offering her something special, some favour, some treat. This is essentially prostitution, and once it becomes a business transaction, why would she want to give it away? Getting sex by any form of control means sex is no longer an act of love, which is a bad thing for your wife, for you, and for your marriage.

Frankly, it’s better not to have sex than to have sex through manipulation or other forms of control. I know, you think, “easy for you to say”. Actually, it is not. I’ve been there, and I remember how much it hurts, how much it drives you crazy, how you want it to just stop. I fully understand reaching a point of frustration and desperation where it seems like a good idea to do whatever it takes to get sex; I gave in more times than I want to admit. Because I gave in, because I have obtained sex by manipulation, I know how it turns out. I know the sex is fine physically, but empty in every other way. I know it solves the immediate physical problem, but erodes the relationship. And I know it hurts your sex life as a whole, making future sex less frequent, and less enjoyable for both of you. This road leads to a wife who hates sex, and a man who eventually feels like a jerk. Try to understand what I am saying here is true, and remember it the next time you start to do something you know is neither kind nor loving to get sex. Aside from being the right thing to do, if you look at the long-term, it is the only wise choice.

[This post first appeared Sept 06, 2012.]

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Are You Open to God’s Leading in Your Marriage?

by The Generous Husband | Oct 26, 2023 | Audio, Faith walk, Seeing Clearly, Series, ZIMAGE

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Doing the rerun series on busyness has been an insightful experience for me. It originally ran fourteen years ago, and I can see how I was sharing something God was doing with me at the time. I added the margin tag a month after I wrote the series, a result of reading Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives. Shortly after that, I did a series on margin. I also started thinking and praying about the idea of a day of rest at this time, first blogging about it two months after this series ran.

I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back, it’s clear God was working on me to move me to a healthier lifestyle. The fallout from that has made my marriage and other relationships so much better. It also made much of what was to come much easier. I didn’t know what the next decade held, but God did, and He was preparing me for those things.

God works in our lives. And when we choose to follow His leading, the results can be amazing. Thing is, it’s not usually a lightning strike and booming voice from heaven. It’s been said the Holy Spirit is a gentleman. It’s easy to miss what God is doing, especially when we’re too busy. Are you open to the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit? Do you have prayer times that allow you to be directed? Nothing else will make as much of an impact on your life and your marriage.

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Add a Sabbath Rest to Defeat Busyness

by The Generous Husband | Oct 24, 2023 | Apply the Bible, Audio, Links to good stuff, Margin, Series, ZIMAGE

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When I originally wrote the sin of busyness series in June of 2012, Lori and I were not yet doing Sabbath – so it didn’t get mentioned. Now I see what an important part of the puzzle Sabbath is.

God created us. He knows how we function, and what hurts our bodies and minds. Six days of work followed by a day of rest is a healthy rhythm. Science has repeatedly shown that regular rest and time away from work make us physically and mentally healthier, results in longer lives, and make us more productive.

Lori and I have been doing a true day of rest on Wednesdays for just over a decade. Neither of us would go back to what we had before, and we’d make some pretty significant sacrifices to be able to have a day of rest.

A cycle of work and rest has so many benefits. It’s far easier to push hard when you know a real rest is coming. A day of rest also forces you to set reasonable goals. A day off recharges both the body and the mind. On Thursdays, I am physically and mentally ready to work. I find my creativity is much better, and I often have good ideas come into my head on my day off.

For us, a day of rest means no income producing work, other than checking comments. It also means no significant physical exertion. We don’t set an alarm that morning. We rest, eat foods we like, and engage in various forms of intimacy. Sometimes there is a time of prayer or working on dealing with injuries from our past. We may do some vision casting and planning.

I understand how impossible it sounds to do what we do. It took us years to go from seeing we needed to do it to actually doing it. My only regret is we didn’t do it decades earlier.

Society will tell you that you can’t afford a day of rest. Both science and the scriptures tell us we can’t afford not to. Choose wisely!

Resource: A Day of Rest: 12 Scientific Reasons It Works | Inc.

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Don’t Let Church Make You Too Busy

by The Generous Husband | Oct 23, 2023 | Audio, Faith walk, Friday Flashback, Margin, Marriage Killer, Series, ZIMAGE

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As someone said in the comments a few days ago, another source of business is church. This comes in three flavours or a mix of them:

Feeling you have to be at church every time the doors are open. I have a friend who says Jesus did not come that we might “Have meetings and those more abundantly.” I’m all for worship, prayer, fellowship, discipleship, Bible study, small groups, and so on and so forth, but too many programs and meetings is too many no matter how worthy each one may be. When frequent church meetings hurt your family or your marriage, you are NOT in line with God’s Word. Please don’t let anyone guilt you into attending things to which you should say no. You, not those guilting you, will answer to God for how you use your time.
Doing too much ministry. I love to minister, especially when I see God use it to change lives, and honestly it can be addictive. Some minster “too much” out of fear, guilt, pride, or because they are manipulated into it. I’ve known youth minsters who didn’t have time for their own children, and marriage minsters whose marriages were in deep trouble. God is clear we’re neither qualified nor allowed to minister if we lack good relationships with our spouse and children. I’m not saying you have to be perfect to minster, but if there are significant problems, you need to scale back or stop ministry until things get better.
It’s your job. Those of us paid to minster can misjudge the proper priority for ministry because it is both ministry and employment. If you have those two things as, say, fourth and fifth place on your priority list, do not think the two being the same elevates it to third place? It’s still fourth and fifth.

We should minister because we love God, not to prove we love Him. Our relationship with God and our ministry are related, but they’re not the same thing. The fact that God is first does not mean ministry trumps all other activities and responsibilities.

Leaders: PLEASE do not allow your people to do too much church or ministry. I’m not just saying don’t overwork them, I am saying don’t allow them to do too much. We have a responsibly to God for those He places in our care, and if we allow them to do too much, we will answer for it.

Church members: Don’t be guilty of trying to push your pastor and other leaders to do more than they should. Most church members have no idea what a pastor’s life is like, and how much pressure they face. A few stats (from the New York Times – August 1, 2010):

33% of pastors say being in ministry is a hazard to their families.
40% of pastors, and 47% of pastor’s spouses, are suffering from burnout or being excessively busy.
More than half say they would leave the pastorate if they had a good job offer elsewhere.
80% of pastors say they do not have enough time with their spouse.
90% work more than 50 hours a week.

The vast majority of pastors are overworked, underpaid, stressed, and grossly under-appreciated. You can make a difference for your pastor, and your pastor’s family. Fight for your pastor to have enough pay, enough help, and enough off time to have a healthy family life.

[This post first appeared July 1, 2012.]

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Being Too Busy is Robbing Your Wife of Good Sex

by The Generous Husband | Oct 21, 2023 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Margin, Series, Sexuality, ZIMAGE

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The posts on busyness came about because of the number of women who indicated they said no to sex because they were too tired, which is mostly about being too busy. Today, I want to differentiate between being too busy for sex, and being too busy for good sex.

For men, there may not be an issue here; as long as we can make a few minutes for sex, we can have good sex. This is not the case for the vast majority of women. For a woman to really enjoy sex, she needs time to slow down, set things aside, and get her head into a sexual place. Women also require a relationship connection for sex to be desired and enjoyed, and such a connection takes a good bit of non-sexual time with her man. She can coast for a while on the past, but if you don’t share time with her for too long, it will start to affect her sexually.

Additionally, women are not “turned on” as fast as men, and being tired or stressed makes it even worse. Tiredness and stress also get in the way of having an orgasm, making it difficult, more effort than it’s worth, or just plain impossible.

I have said this before, and I will keep saying it: busyness is a sure way to ruin your sex life. In order to keep wanting and enjoying sex, your wife must have time with you, and she must have enough sleep and time to relax. This is not an issue of her holding sex hostage till she gets what she wants; being tired and busy affects her sexuality in ways she can’t control. If she’s too busy and sex is really important to you, you must work to make changes. If you don’t work for those changes, either you don’t get it, or sex isn’t as important to you as what fills your time.

[This post first appeared June 30, 2012.]

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