A comment on my When You Just KNOW it Can Be Better post asked what specifically makes marriage fantastic for me. The fellow went on to say he hoped it would give him areas to target in his marriage.
I’ve been turning that over in my mind. As I’m an individual, what makes me happy about my marriage might not make other men happy. But it could get you thinking, so it seems worthwhile.
My marriage is fantastic because:
My wife wants to be right with God. From this come her integrity, and lifelong efforts to get healed and grow.
My wife is on my side. I don’t doubt this, even when she’s upset with me.
My wife puts up with me. I’m eccentric, and while that can be fun, it can be a challenge to live with for 39 years.
My wife tells me when she thinks I might be wrong. She’s gentle and loving, but she cares enough to challenge me.
My wife is my best friend. We enjoy doing things together. It makes the good better, and the bad less horrible.
My wife accepts my sexuality, and what I have to say about it. Because of that, we developed a great sex life.
My wife trusts me. I realise that is in partly about me, but it’s also a leap of faith on her part.
My wife has learned how to enjoy her life. She had friends and hobbies. That makes her happy, and it makes her healthier.
This started out a requested post on delayed ejaculation. I’ve not written about the subject for years, so I wanted to make sure I was current. In doing so, I found a device that should help with this that is also great for those with erectile difficulty. So if you’re in the latter camp, scroll down that way.
Delayed orgasm, or DO, is rare and poorly researched. It was originally called retarded ejaculation. Today it is mostly delayed orgasm or delayed ejaculation. Best guess is it affects three percent of men, and is more common in old age. There is no clear definition, but it’s recurring difficulty, delay, or inability to orgasm after sufficient stimulation during partnered sex. Some men only have a problem during intercourse. Some struggle during any sex act with a partner, and a few can’t even masturbate with their partner watching.
The causes of DO are varied. In some men, it stems from a long habit of masturbating in a way that is very dissimilar from sex. It can be mostly mental, due to fear or anxiety, childhood abuse, or being taught that sex is bad. A fear of causing pregnancy can cause it. Drugs can cause the problem. SSRIs are a common reason, with men on such drugs having a seven-fold increase in DO. The list of other culprits includes high blood pressure medication, drugs for baldness, and drugs to treat prostate growth. ED drugs may also be a factor, indirectly. ED drugs can help a man get an erection without being really aroused, and not aroused enough to climax. Very low testosterone levels can do it, but this is uncommon. Frequent masturbation can cause it, as can heavy porn use. And finally, DO can result from loss of sensation in the penis. This can be from damage, or age.
Dealing with most of these is straight forward. A doctor can help change drugs or add something to counteract a problem drug. The man can stop masturbating or watching porn. When it’s mental, psychotherapy can help, although this tends to be a slow process. There are a few drugs being used off label, but nothing yet has shown to be particularly effective.
Beyond treating the cause, applying strong vibrations to the frenulum (the tag of skin on the underside of the penis that goes from the head to the shaft) helps. In one study, 72% of men who have been unable to climax were able to do so at least some of the time with a strong vibrator,
And that brings us to the Hot Octopuss. This is a vibrator based on a medical device used to obtain semen from men who can’t ejaculate. It produces a pulse, rather than vibrations, and this is more effective for men. It wraps around the head of the penis, and it works with an erect or soft penis. It can also be used with your wife for sex without an erection. Lie like you would for missionary, with your penis between your bodies pointing to your heads. Put the Hot Octopuss in place, and it will stimulate both of you. Or you could do it with her on top.
The basic Hot Octopuss is about $100. If it makes orgasm possible again, or makes it much easier, it’s well worth it. The solo version will work for either you or your wife to use on your penis. If you want to use it for couple sex, the remote-controlled version allows you to change the settings from a watch like remote.
This is a follow-up to Crisis and drama and arguments, OH MY! What if you see the problem, and you are trying to end it, but your wife won’t stop? Worse yet, what if you’re stopping just makes her more upset? I generally agree with the statement it takes two to fight, but there are folks out there who could have a fight with someone in a coma! Here are a few common tactics of such people, and some ideas to deal with them:
Yelling: You try to be calm, and she yells. You try to end a fight, and she yells. You try to walk away, and she yells! Yelling is effective because it triggers our fight or flight instinct. You feel a need to reply to her accusations and defend against what she says. Thing is, doing this is buying back into the cycle you’re trying to escape. The marriage loses as soon as you give in, no matter how the ensuing fight goes. Solution: Let her know you’re not going to talk with her when she is yelling or ranting. Yes, she will yell about it when you tell her, and she will likely yell even more for a while. She will test you; she will try to break you. Ignore her; walk away if necessary. If she refuses to stop after a week or two, it shows you the situation is serious, and you need to get help.
Obstruction: Another response to withdrawing from the drama game is refusing to do things or blocking things, either actively or passively. This is, “If you won’t play my game, I won’t do anything.” If she’s desperate, she may take this even further, and you will be tempted to give in to get her to back off. This will be especially tempting when you’re tired, or the situation is critical. You might also want to give in to keep her from looking bad to others. Solution: Again, if you play, you both lose. However, it may be more difficult to ignore this one. You have to be steadfast; do what is right, no matter what she does. Act as you would act if she were reasonable, then modify as necessary based on her behaviour. Do what you must for yourself and the children. Don’t protect her if her choices cause friends to think badly of her – let her deal with the natural consequences of her actions.
Emotional Blackmail: This is more subtle than the others. The “attack” may not be directly tied to anything you do or don’t do. She withholds affection, refuses to talk to you, is always too tired for sex, or becomes uninterested in doing things the two of you always enjoyed doing together. What it boils down to is she doesn’t like the change you’ve made, and she’s going to punish you to get you to change back. Odds are, she will deny she’s doing it. Trying to prove she’s doing it just gives her the drama/crisis she wants. Retaliating by doing the same to her also gives her what she wants. Solution: Again, if you let her actions affect your choices, the marriage loses. Giving in once in a while, say because you just have to have sex, or you need her to go to a family event and be nice, is asking for more of the same. If her tactics work, even occasionally, she has good reason to keep doing it. Accept that this is your current reality, and work to make the best of it. Do your best to give her grace and love, even though she is likely to react by being even worse to you.
What I’ve suggested here is difficult, but it’s the best (and probably only) way to get past what’s happening. This is fighting for your marriage by NOT fighting! You can’t do these things forever, but we can go far longer than we think – especially if we are walking with the Lord.
It may be helpful to consider why she’s doing what she’s doing. As bad as things were before, she understood it, and on some level, it worked for her. Change is scary. If she needs to feel in control, your unilaterally changing things means she’s not in control. Not being in control feels unsafe. Ultimately, the question is this: is she acting out because of fear, or is she just deeply selfish? The first can be dealt with; the second is far more difficult. If it’s fear, standing firm while loving her and trying to give her a safe place will most likely bring about a change in her behaviour. If she’s acting out of selfishness, she will only change if it seems to her to be in her best interest to do so.
One spouse can unilaterally start change, but both have to work at it for a real fix. Sometimes one can change it enough to be able to live with it, but not always. Sometimes the changes made by one spouse make the other uncomfortable enough they’re willing to try something different. If you see any willingness to change, I suggest trained third-party help – this kind of thing goes much better with an impartial third-party.
A personal note: While Lori and I have not gone down this road, I do have first-hand experience. I dated, and thought about marrying, a young woman who was all about drama. When I stopped playing, it got ugly. She threatened to break things I cared about, and I said it would not get her what she wanted. She did things expecting me to cover for her (as I always had), and I didn’t cover for her. She tried to manipulate me with sex, and I managed to resist. She even hinted at suicide. I didn’t think she was serious, and I told her such talk was a sure way to get me to leave her. Ultimately, she broke up with me. I don’t think she felt she could live in a relationship she couldn’t control. While it was a heart-wrenching time for me, I’m glad I did not end up married to her. I learned from it, and I made sure to avoid such women moving forward.
I share this so you know I have some idea how hard it is to do this. I wasn’t married to the woman, and it was still extremely painful and difficult. What kept me going was knowing how it had been would lead to a horrible marriage – for both of us. I was ready to lose her if it was the only option other than a horrible marriage. I suspect prevailing with this in a marriage means being willing to have her divorce you. If she finds the threat of divorce gives her control over you, all is lost. Ironically, being willing to end in divorce may well reduce the changes of it happening.
Every so often, some fellow drops a comment here saying that women initiate the majority of divorces. The implication is that women are bad, men are good, and the great number of divorces we have are women’s fault. Of course, stating a valid statistic and then tacking on an unproven explanation for why it’s so is hardly proof of anything.
A couple of years ago over on the XY Code, I told the ladies that, “Men tend to have a higher tolerance for a poor marriage than women.” I also told them men will put up with a bad marriage far longer than their wife, and will put up with a worse marriage than she will tolerate. The reason most divorces are filed by women is they reach the end of their tolerance before their husband.
It’s long been known that married men live longer. This is true even in a bad marriage. Women in a good marriage live longer than single women, but women in a bad marriage don’t live as long as single women. It’s also been shown that a bad marriage is physically and mentally more harmful for a woman.
To be blunt, a lot of women divorce their husband because he’s an insensitive jerk – or something worse. Sure, some women get divorces for petty reasons or because they fall for someone else, but both of these are uncommon.
I told the ladies that this tolerance difference puts them at a disadvantage because their husband’s higher tolerance means he is less motivated to work on marital problems. However, there is another side of that, which matters to you. If you want to keep your marriage good, you have to work harder than your wife, because she won’t put up with as much as you will. And worse case, she will walk out on a bad marriage you’re still willing to put up with.
You can make any judgment you like about women from this. But if you want to stay married and have a good marriage, I suggest you instead judge yourself as a husband.
BTW, a wife’s lower tolerance for a bad marriage can be a major reason why she has no interest in sex. The minimum marriage quality she needs to desire you sexually is higher than the minimum you need to desire her.
I had an email recently thanking me for not having the common “marriage ministry philosophy” that the man is wrong because he is a beast who needs to be tamed. The specific comment was about sex, but it made me think of a bigger problem I see in parts of the marriage ministry world; the idea the man is always wrong and if he would just get it right, his marriage would be fine. The corollary to this is anything a wife is doing wrong is his fault, and as soon as he gets it together, she will immediately change.
I know it sounds crazy, and anything but biblical, but it’s out there. I went several rounds with a fellow who teaches this, and has a book which says the same thing. The reason this couple teaches this is their marriage was this way; his changing did fix everything. The thing is, not every marriage is like their marriage. In fact, I would say very few are. Occasionally it’s almost entirely the man, occasionally it’s almost entirely the woman. Most of the time, they each have things that need to be dealt with. Any change either spouse makes may precipitate change by the other, but it does not guarantee the spouse will change. What’s more, if they do change, it may not be for the better. If the husband is the vast majority of the problem, a book about the husband being the problem will help. If both have things to deal with, a book that blames all marriage issues on him won’t help, and will likely make things worse. If the wife is the vast majority of the problem, a book that puts it all on him will make things much worse!
The “it’s always the man’s fault” approach is a result of the “one size fits all” method of dealing with things. I’ve seen well-meaning people do a lot of harm because they assume everyone is like they are, or were, and everyone’s problems are the same as theirs. It would make things easy, but it’s not true! Stay away from anyone who has one size fits all answers for marriage difficulties. Same for anyone who has a “guaranteed fix”. These things will work for some, but not for all, and they will make things worse for many.
By the way, this applies to anything I say. Often I give a bit of advice that will work for most, but very few things are universally true in the area of marriage. I’d say 10% to 20% of what I share here I don’t do in my own marriage because it wouldn’t work or isn’t the best option. My wife is unique, as am I, which makes our marriage unique. In many areas, we are “average” and common solutions work well. However, like all couples, there are places where we’re not normal, and the normal solutions won’t work, or won’t work well.
The bottom line: You must be a student of your wife. If you’re not sure about something, try it gently, and see how it goes. Just because something worked for another couple doesn’t mean it will work for you. Even more importantly, just because something did not work for you does not mean there’s no solution.
In a comment, one of you asked for “some encouragement on emotional intimacy.” As in feeling something without using your hands. You know, that emotional junk women want all the time. Okay, just kidding – it’s an important issue. Let’s start with some groundwork on feelings.
Many men were raised to think emotions were wrong, or silly, and certainly not to be trusted. Some of us are afraid of our feelings, or afraid of what others will think if we’re “too emotional”. We think feelings are unmanly, and we must beat them down and keep them in their place. Most of us are wary of feelings – we don’t trust them much.
Certainly, those ruled by their feelings are in a bad place. Feelings can be completely out of sync with reality. The fact someone does not “feel” loved doesn’t mean they are not loved. Likewise with feeling or not feeling respected, desired, needed, and so on. However, this doesn’t mean feelings are useless, something to ignore. Our feelings affect our bodies and minds, even when we try to ignore them. Feelings can impact heath for both good and bad, and ignoring feelings won’t make them any less harmful. Additionally, our feelings will colour our thinking, even if we try to suppress them. In short, feelings will have an effect no matter what, so it’s better to admit they exist and deal with them than to be a slave to what they do to us subconsciously.
The goal, I think, is our minds making rational decisions based on all the information available – which includes our feelings. We need to realise that while feelings are not always rational, they sometimes warn us of things we don’t perceive with our conscious mind. Sometimes a feeling is the first, or only, warning we get about something. It can be our subconscious mind making connections out of bits of seemingly unconnected data. As this can be a bit hit or miss, it’s foolish to go just on feelings – but just as foolish to ignore feelings.
By the way, women as a group are more feeling driven than men. This means they are likely to see things we miss, and also more likely to be dragged off by their feelings. A wise man learns to listen to his wife’s feelings, not dismissing them lightly. This is especially true when she has “a bad feeling” about someone. Science has shown women as a whole are better than men at picking up clues about a person’s character and intentions. She’s not always right, but odds are she is right more often than you are in this area. Unless your experience with your wife has shown this is not the case, I suggest you do not ignore her when she has a bad feeling about someone or something.
Most of us have had some problem with our in-laws, and most wives have had some problems with their husband’s family of origin. A certain amount of friction is to be expected – and to be tolerated. However, when the issues are significant, it can harm your marriage.
First, let me suggest you not downplay your wife’s complaints about your family – especially your parents. Unless you know she is negative by nature about the vast majority of people, assume her perspective is valid. Also assume her hurt feelings are not hyped up. Realise you have a couple of decades of dealing with your family, and she doesn’t. You understand them better, and if they are difficult you learned to cope and ignore because you had no choice. Even if your dad was abusive, or your mom was controlling, as a child you had to find a way to get along as best you could. Now, however, you’re an adult, as is your wife and it’s wrong to expect her to put up with bad behaviour from anyone, including especially your family.
If it got so horrible you had to either leave your family or your wife, which would you choose? Easy choice, right? What’s difficult is seeing how bad it is, and how close it is to where you should make that choice. It’s easier to downplay, excuse, ignore, and try to get your wife to do the same than to stand up for your wife like a man. Yes, there is a challenge in there – or an insult. A real man doesn’t allow his anyone to abuse his wife. What’s more, every woman understands this, and if her husband won’t stand up to his family on her behalf it substantially hurts his image in her eyes.
It’s rare for a conflict between wife and family to be horrible at first. Both are trying to make it work, and both are willing to ignore certain things at first. Usually it grows worse bit-by-bit, slowing going from uncomfortable to horrible one inch at a time. The wife often doesn’t say anything to her husband for too long, and he is typically turning a blind eye. Sometimes when a man does realise there’s a problem, his decision is to hold the line where things stand when he sees the problem. This is rarely enough, because by the time he admits the truth, things are often worse than he should have allowed in the first place. The only right thing is to reclaim ground that should not have been given up.
Dealing with this is never fun, and usually heart-wrenching. It’s not going to be easy, so accept the challenge and do what needs to be done. If you catch it early enough, you might be able to change things with a few well-chosen comments, and by coming to your wife’s defence quickly and strongly when you should. If it’s gone too far, or you have a family member who is stubborn, you’ll have to confront them. DO NOT drag your wife into this; this is not about her and your family, this is about how your family treats her. Including her makes it look like her actions are up for discussion, which should not be the case. You need to make it clear that you are with her, and if forced to choose, she wins. Be ready to follow up by limiting contact as necessary. Don’t solve this by spending time with your family without your wife – this is still picking them over her.
I know this is difficult – I had to go through it with my mother after my father died. She didn’t dislike my Lori, but she didn’t treat her as she should. I was unwilling for either of us to put up with some of the things I had put up with when I was younger. Fortunately, mom was smart enough to catch on before I had to spell it out for her. She figured out where the line was and stayed just the other side of it for the rest of her life.
I had an email from one of you asking about using the “F-word” in marriage as a way to describe a sex act. The writer also mentioned most of the common euphemisms for sex lack passion. It’s a great question, and I want to expand it to all the words we can use for sex acts and sexual body parts.
Imagine saying to your wife, “My dear, my libido has reached such a point I feel I must quickly remove your clothing and engage in energetic coitus until we both climax strongly.” You know what the sentence means, but it sounds funny because the choice of words doesn’t match the urgency behind the words. You could choose other words that would match the I-need-you-now condition you’re feeling. But are such words wrong to use?
The Bible does warn us about “filthy language”—but what does that mean? Are certain sounds, the sound made by a word, inherently wrong? I doubt anyone would say yes. Is it the common meaning of a word that makes it filthy, or is the intended meaning more important? I lean towards the second; it’s what the speaker means, especially if the hearer understands the intended meaning.
Let’s look at a specific word—”horny”. Horny is not considered horrible today, but when I was a kid it was an obscenity. What does the word mean? It means a strong sexual desire, but some use it to mean a blind desire to have sex with anyone who will do it. If horny means you’re desperate for sex, and you seek out your wife because she’s the only person you are supposed to have sex with, she’s not going to feel loved or special. On the other hand, what if horny means you want HER right now? What if it’s not just about your body and drive, but also about your love for her? In the second case, the word horny might make her feel rather good about herself, and about you, and about having sex with you.
An important issue in this is how words have been used by and on you and your wife in the past. The slang term for her genitals starting with a “C” is often used as an insult. For that reason, it may be a bad plan to use “the C word” word with her. The same can be true for words used to label any sexual body parts, sex act, or sexual feeling. If it’s been used to hurt, or insult, using it is a bad plan. If it makes either of you feel bad, dirty, or sinful, don’t use it. And if one of you isn’t comfortable saying or hearing the word, dump it.
Have a discussion with your wife about sex words. DO NOT PUSH HER to use any word, rather ask her what is unacceptable, what is acceptable, and what is still under review in her mind. Work together to find a language for your sex life that expresses both your passion and your love.
