Author John Lovell is a man’s man. He’s a former Army Ranger, and he teaches gun use for a living. That’s everything from concealed carry to mat to muzzle defensive tactics and one man room clearing. He’s also a husband and father, and an unapologetic Christian.
I find John’s marriage advice sound. I was especially taken by his comments about how military men tend to blow it with their wife and kids. I’ve seen the same from men in law enforcement, and Lori and I have heard about it from ex-wives and people who say they survived being raised by such a man.
Military and law enforcement training doesn’t produce a good husband or father. Wives and children don’t need a solider or policeman, they need a loving man who can leave work at work.
If you’re current or former military or law enforcement, I strongly suggest you read this book. Honestly ask yourself if you’re making the mistakes John warns about. If you see yourself, make changes or get help. It will improve your marriage, and it might save you from a divorce. It will make your children’s lives better, and they will be more likely to want a relationship with you as adults.
I’d also suggest this as a gift for any man who wears a uniform. Its take life by the horns approach and John’s sense of humour make it an easy sell. BTW, the author reads the Audible version himself, which gives you the emphasis he intended when he wrote it.
I am incredibly thankful for those who risk their lives for our protection. But it grieves me that so many of those people struggle with their marriages and children. It should not be so.
It took me a long time to get to this book because it’s billed as a book for women. And while it certainly is written for women, what J shares will be of great help to any husband who wants to understand his wife and her sexuality.
The book starts by talking about romance – something most women crave and many men don’t understand. Read about how to write a love letter, apply what you learn to your marriage, and see how you bless her.
Then move on to “Finding Time”. What is written here is for women, by a woman. Using what J says as the basis for trying to make changes is going to be much more successful than your own male-driven ideas.
Next, you will read about lingerie. Again, this is what women want to hear about the subject. There’s also practical advice about buying things that fit, feel good, and flatter your wife’s body type.
Once you cover the preliminaries, you can dive into suggestions on positions, oral sex (her on you and you and her), and hand jobs.
My suggestion is to get two copies (or one Kindle copy if you have family sharing) and read at the same time as your wife. Do a chapter a week and discuss it when you have both read each chapter.
Earlier this month I introduced you to a book called Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box. An idea from that book has stuck with me and is changing my behaviour in small but I think powerful ways. That idea is something called “self-betrayal”. Self-betray happens when we act contrary to what we feel we should do for another person – such as say, our wife.
If you have a thought to do something for her and you don’t do it, that is self-betrayal. If you see the trash is full and think “It would bless her if I emptied that” and you don’t empty it, that is self-betrayal. If you know she would really appreciate a back rub and you don’t do it, that is self-betrayal.
Aside from not doing something nice for your wife, the bigger problem with self-betrayal is we don’t want to feel like we have betrayed ourself. So we find ways to justify not doing whatever. That means thinking more highly of ourself than we should and/or thinking badly about our wife. We tell ourself “she should take out the trash more, it’s not like she can’t do it, she’s just lazy” or we think “I give her a lot of backrubs, way more than other men do – she should be happy I’m her husband”.
I’ve become very aware of this since reading the book and it has meant me doing things I would have not done before. If I think it, I do it. I figure she’s worth it. And besides that, it means I’m not having to tear her down or build myself up to justify not doing whatever.
I doubt Lori is aware of most of the things I have done because of this and that’s fine. It benefits her, but it’s about me.
Every month in 2021 I’m going to suggest a book that can help your marriage. This month is a twofer.
I was sitting at a friend’s house the end of last year and I saw Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box on the bookshelf. I asked to borrow it. My question now is why did I not know about this twenty-year-old book sooner?
While this is primarily a business book, it addresses marriage and parenting as well. The basic idea is that we make a mess of our relationships because we are in a state of self-deception. This makes it impossible for us to be as understanding, caring, and loving as we should be because we don’t see ourselves or others accurately. (BTW, if you think you’re not self-deceived, you’re wrong!)
If you feel stuck because your wife won’t change, this is THE book you need. If you want to be better but feel stuck, this will help. If you know a couple in trouble, give them each a copy of this book. Likewise, for any engaged couple you know. If I had read this before I got married I could have missed out on a lot of pain and suffering – and saved my wife from some of the same.
When I was a licensed irrigator, keeping my license required me getting a number of CEU (continuing education units) each year. This happens in some trades and is far more common in health care and counselling. You are expected to grow and if you don’t you can lose your job.
I think marriage is much the same way; if you’re not growing your marriage is shrinking and you may lose it. Or you may keep it while it becomes a less and less enjoyable thing.
I would like to think this blog counts as marriage CEU’s, but I’d suggest something even more in the form of a few good books. A couple of marriage books a year, year after year, will make a big difference over time.
In 2013 I reviewed a marriage book each month. A few of the books were not specifically about marriage, but their advice would positively affect marriages. I figure it’s time to do this again. So I will post a review the first of each month. For this month, I am pointing you to my 2013 list of a dozen must-read marriage books. Each of these is still available, and they are still excellent books for your marriage. Many have updated versions and most have audio CDs.
BTW, I’m all for a couple reading a marriage book together, or separately at the same time, but I know this is a problem for some men. If doing it with her is going to get in the way, do it on your own. If you like what you read pass it on to her after you’re done.
For the most part, what comes out of my mouth is kind, but what I think is far less so. Recently God has been showing me that what I think is much more important than I have wanted to believe. I generally have good thoughts about Lori, but not so much some others – like people who drive 15 mph under the speed limit on a two-lane highway with very few places to pass! I’ve always excused such thoughts, but I’m starting to see they do affect me.
I don’t usually have rude thoughts about my wife because I’ve chosen not to. I guess that proves I can do it if I want to. My not doing it then means I’m choosing to not live as God calls me to, and while I don’t want to admit it, I know that’s sin.
Three months ago when I preached at our church, my message was Can’t We All Just Grow Up? Three weeks ago when Scott Cross, a pastor from Spokane, preached at our church, his message was, Therefore…Let us Grow Up! (click links for audio if you like) We used two different passages (Ephesians 4:11-32 & Hebrews 5:11-6:3) but we came up with the same conclusion – God wants us all to be more mature.
I talked to Scott after his sermon, and he said a number of churches in his area of Spokane are hitting this issue. Lori and I saw this same thing as we traversed the US last year. It seems growing up is all the rage in a growing number of churches. In part, I suspect this comes from the realisation we have failed at this biblically commanded part of the Christian life. I also think it’s a move of the Holy Spirit.
If you’ve been following me for very long you’ve caught a few of my rants about the way some Christians act, making all of us and God look bad. I have no doubt most of these folks mean well, the problem is they aren’t mature enough to make wise choices. Some of them know the words of the Bible very well, but they have not grasped the truth of those words. Some have no clue; they’re simply following others who say things that sound good to their immature minds. And some are functioning on little more than mob mentality.
I realise it’s not just the church; immature adults are a major cultural phenomenon. But I’m called to the church, so that’s where I’m fighting this problem.
Turning 18, or 21, or 30 doesn’t make us mature. Maturity is not about our age or what we’ve learned; maturity is about how we act and react. Are we selfish and driven by our own wants, needs, and fears, or do we care about the bigger picture of humanity? Have we learned to hold our tongue when we should, and speak up when we should? Do we defend those who need to be defended and chasten those who need to be corrected? Do we support those who are trying even when they fail? Do we build up, encourage, and promote others? Can we give, bless, and sacrifice when and where we should?
Growing up is hard work, and the process isn’t at all fun. But the results of greater maturity are beyond value. Maturity brings with it incredible peace and the ability to be content even when things aren’t going as we’d like. Anyone willing to work for it can have greater maturity, and no matter how mature we are we can grow up more.
Maturity is also a huge benefit to any marriage. A great many marriage problems would go away or become easier to fix if both husband and wife grew up some.
One of the things that has helped me become more mature (very much a work in process!) is a book I’ve mentioned more than a dozen times the last three years: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature. Reading this book will be brutal, but if you apply it to your life you will become more mature. I’ve talked/emailed with many who say this book impacted them significantly. If you want to change your life, if you want 2017 to be way better than any year before, this book is the gift you, your wife, and your marriage needs this Christmas!
The last few years, I’ve talked a good deal about growing up. In fact, my Be a grownup post category is approaching 200. My obsession with this topic is two-fold:
I’ve done a lot of growing up myself. I think it’s accurate to say I’ve grown up more in the last 3 years than the two decades before that.
I’ve come to see immaturity as an underlying issue in virtually all marriage problems and divorces.
When either spouse grows up the marriage gets better. What’s more, the other spouse is given an example and a challenge, and often this results in the other spouse doing some growing up of their own. However, growing up is a wonderful thing even if it does nothing for your marriage.
The more I grow up, the less I’m hurt, offended, or worried by what others do or think.
Growing up means I can freely admit what I want to myself and to others. More often than not this means I get more of what I want.
I’m also able to freely admit to myself and others what I don’t want. This can mean less of what I don’t want to do.
Growing up means I’m better able to handle not getting what I want. Likewise for having to do things I’d rather not do.
As I’ve grown up, the drama is more “out there”. It’s not in me, eating at me, it’s out there. I see it, and I’m concerned for those involved, but it doesn’t consume me as it once did.
Being more grown-up means I’m calmer, which makes it easier to find and apply solutions.
I make better decisions and choices and am better able to help others.
Being more grown-up means I’m a better husband, lover, father, man, and a better follower of Jesus. All of these are good for those around me and result in others appreciating me and feeling better around me.
Bottom Line: Growing up rocks, and I wish I’d done it years earlier.
If you think you’re already grown up, I’d ask you to double triple check. Most of my adult life I could easily have convinced myself I was among the most mature folks in my circle, and I think I’d have been right much of the time. The problem is I was grading on the curve, looking at those around me for a standard. I might have been less immature than most, but I was a very long way from being mature. Being in the top 10% or 20% doesn’t mean much if the average is horribly low.
My goal now is to be the most grown-up man I can be. I’m not looking to be the most grown up in the group; I’m only competing with myself. Of course being around others who are grown up is an excellent way to get better, but others are a tool for improvement, not a way to measure my success.
Read it yourself. Study it with your wife. Get some friends and do it as a small group. You won’t enjoy the process, but you will very much enjoy being more grown up!
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature by Peter Scazzero
The book starts by talking about romance – something most women crave and many men don’t understand. Read about how to write a love letter, apply what you learn to your marriage, and see how you bless her. 
