Mentor/Brother - The Generous Husband

Finding a Balance Between Personal Freedom and Responsibility

by The Generous Husband | May 18, 2023 | Aff Link, Mentor/Brother, ZIMAGE

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I have a friend whose parents escaped the genocide of Christians in Persia (now Iran) almost a hundred years ago. He was born and grew up in Chicago in a community of others who escaped. So while he is American, he grew up with a very different culture.

Recently, he told me that when he was young, he often heard, “What will man say?” (He said it in Arabic, and translated it for me.) This was what was said when anyone did anything bad or unusual. In his culture, everything you did made your family look either good or bad. And everyone was watching everyone to see if they got out of line.

If you grew up in a typical American community, you experienced something very different. We are all about personal freedom, and it’s rare that people put your actions onto your family. That’s how I grew up, and I like it. But I can see the downside to it, and the upside to what my friend experienced. In a culture that doesn’t allow you to get too far away from the norm, there is less “bad behaviour”. There are fewer problems, and there is less divorce.

That doesn’t mean I want to live like that. My friend is glad he’s not living that way any more. But the Bible does say we are our brother’s keeper, and that means some degree of setting and trying to maintain standards. As much as I like the freedom to be and do what I want, I see how we have paid a high price for that. Perhaps there is some middle ground that lets us be ourselves, but also protects us and others from taking that too far. I think it would benefit our marriages and our children if we could find a balance between the two extremes.

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Who Is Speaking Into Your Life?

by The Generous Husband | Apr 20, 2023 | Audio, Mentor/Brother, ZIMAGE

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I recently saw an article entitled I’m a psychology expert in Finland, the No. 1 happiest country in the world—here are 3 things we never do. It’s worth a read, but I want to use the title to make a point. If you want to get better at something, you should learn from those who are doing that thing well.

When Lori and I were really struggling early in our marriage, we sought help from the church. The only couple who showed any interest in helping us was a couple who had a marriage we didn’t see as good or healthy. So we thanked them and moved on.

It seems obvious you don’t learn from those who are doing something poorly. But there is a more subtle version of this that we often miss. When you spend a lot of time with someone, you tend to mimic them. This is a form of learning, even if what you pick up is not something the other person does well.

This dynamic is especially an issue in a group. So, for example, if you hang with a group of guys who all bad mouth their wives, that is hurting your marriage. A group of friends can also drag you into questionable things or outright sin. Bad company does indeed ruin good morals.

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Friday Flashback: The Power Of The Group

by The Generous Husband | Aug 26, 2022 | Aff Link, Beyond the Marriage, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Links to good stuff, Mentor/Brother, Quality Time, ZIMAGE

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Earlier this week I was at a meeting of church planters, and I heard two things that I think are true of marriages:

“A church is not mature if it is not connected to other churches.”
“We should not have different corporate and personal values.”

Based on that, two hard questions:

Do you and your wife have relationships with other couples? Not you and the husband and her and the wife, but the four of you as a group. These relationships give strength to marriages. You gain accountability and positive peer pressure and provide the same for the other couple. Ideally, you have such relationships with couples with marriages both more and less mature/strong than your marriage.
Do you and your wife have different values in private than you have when you are with others? Do you agree with certain things in the group, but then act differently in private? I see only one excuse for this and that is a “weaker brother” issue. However, the weaker brother should affect our actions, not our words. If we agree to something we don’t live, we’re lying. If you need to lie about what happens in private, something is wrong.

Those of us who are following Jesus find ourselves in a minority. Even in the supposedly Christian nation of the USA, the majority are not making a real effort to follow Jesus. This means that the peer pressure of the world around us pushes us in unhealthy ways, including things that are harmful to our marriages. To fight the drift that can come from living among those who follow something else, we need to surround ourselves with those who are going the same way we’re going.

[This post first appeared Dec 11, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Hot, Holy & Humorous | One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages ◄ Yes and amen.

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Done Right, Cutting Can Heal

by The Generous Husband | Aug 7, 2022 | Audio, Change, Mentor/Brother, ZIMAGE

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Last Sunday our pastor started on chapter five of First Corinthians. Much of the letter is corrective and in chapter five Paul takes the gloves off. The pastor said he had heard a surgeon say, “The chance to cut is the chance to heal.” I’ve never heard that, but I really like it.

A surgeon cuts away diseased tissue and cancer. Or they cut through healthy tissue to get to what needs to be removed or fixed. Surgery is never fun. You hurt afterwards, it takes time to recover, you may have a scar, and you might lose part of your body or have some long-term limitation because of the cutting. But your situation is far better than if you had not been cut. Surgery can save your life, restore lost function, or end ongoing pain or disability.

Because God loves us, He does surgery on our lives and hearts. And sometimes He uses those around us to do surgery on us. A close friend, a spiritual mentor, a trained counsellor, a family member, or even your wife can be used by God to do cutting that heals. But as you wouldn’t want just anyone to remove your appendix or repair your hernia, you don’t want just anyone to cut into your life and heart. Done wrong, surgery can cause massive problems including death, disfigurement, and permanent disability. Likewise, a badly done attempt at pointing out sin or encouraging growth can do you massive harm.

We each need a few people in our lives we trust to do the cutting that brings healing. Vet those people well and do it before you need their help. Be sure they have your best interest at heart. Make sure they can act in love and know that they are more concerned with God’s will than your approval or comfort.

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Adversity Makes For Better Learning

by The Generous Husband | Mar 3, 2022 | Audio, Good Marriage, Links to good stuff, Mentor/Brother, ZIMAGE

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So for the last month, I’ve been podcasting from the dining room table of an RV. That is a long way from an ideal studio. I know how to build a proper room for recording, but we don’t have the space. Additionally, the mic I’m using is the wrong kind, but a $300 plus mic is not in the budget at the moment.

So I’m doing the best I can to minimise external sounds and sound bounce and fix the rest in post-production.

Because of this, I have learned a great deal about making a podcast sound good. I have a far better understanding of Audacity than I would have had I started with a proper recording space. I’ve also have done a lot of research on the best reasonably priced microphones. My adversity has resulted in me learning more than I would have had it all be easy from day one. So when I get a proper recording space and a good mic, what I put out will be better than what I probably would have seen as acceptable had I had an easier start.

The same thing happened in our marriage. When Lori and I got married we had a lot of problems. We were forced to find ways to deal with those things before they destroyed our marriage. Some of those were solutions to the problems, but many were coping skills that helped us love and care for each other despite ongoing problems. The coping skills we learned helped us survive the first few years of our marriage, but they did more than that. When our marriage was doing much better, we still had those tools. This made things even better than they would be had we started out with fewer problems. It also meant that when new problems came long we were not wiped out by them.

If your marriage had a lot of problems early on, that may well have been a blessing. If you had very few problems for the first few years, you may not have learned the coping skills needed to deal with the problems that inevitably befall every marriage. If you think you might be in that second group, I’d suggest you work on building the skills you don’t have. That can be done with books, retreats, blogs, or spending time with a couple married longer than you who have a great marriage.

Building good marriage coping skills now will improve your marriage right now. But more importantly, those skills will be there when you need them in the future. Don’t wait till you need those skills; I can tell you from experience they’re difficult to build in the midst of turmoil!

If there are resources that have helped you in this area, please mention them in the comments!

A post worth reading:

Intentional Today | 31 Signs You Might Love Marriage More Than The Welfare of The Individuals ◄ This is a great post on the danger of putting institutions ahead of people.

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Pride Goeth Before The Marriage Problems

by The Generous Husband | Feb 15, 2022 | Audio, Links to good stuff, Mentor/Brother, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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The Bible warns us about pride a number of times. Pride is basic human nature so it comes naturally. Pride skews how we see ourselves and others. That’s bad for any relationship and it can be deadly for a marriage.

The hard thing about pride is how difficult it can be to see. From road rage to gossip to porn, we know when we commit most sins. But pride is skilled at hiding itself from us.

This is where friends come in. When I say friends I mean real godly men who will tell you when they see sin. If you don’t have such friends, getting some should be a very high priority. Such friends are a great marriage resource and a good way to not feel too highly about yourself.

Prayer is also a good weapon against pride. Assume you have some pride and ask God to show it to you.

Of course, when you realise your pride has hurt your wife, you need to be brutally honest with her. You also need to repent and sincerely seek her forgiveness. And conveniently, those actions are very anti-pride!

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Wrestling with self ◄ More of the same!

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I’m Not Here

by The Generous Husband | Nov 7, 2021 | Beyond the Marriage, Links to good stuff, Margin, Mentor/Brother, ZIMAGE

Friday afternoon I joined other men from my church to go on a men’s retreat with some fellows from another church. And I have been so looking forward to it!

It’s been 25 months since I did this and I’ve missed it. I need to get away with God and a group of men who honour God and value their relationship with Him. I also need to just stop for a few days.

One thing that makes this especially great is it’s late enough in the year that I am 100% done with my outside work. As of last Tuesday, I was ready for snow. It’s been a long haul this year and this break feels like a reward for sticking with it and getting things done.

Of course, I will miss my wonderful Lori and she will miss me. But we both know I will return healthier, happier, and a better husband.

Are you overdue for a break?

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Give yourself a break ◄ “Life is hard at times and it’s okay to give yourself a break. Your soul will thank you and your recovery will bless others as well.”

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Friday Flashback: Mere Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jan 8, 2021 | Friday Flashback, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, Mentor/Brother, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

The men’s group I attend is studying CS Lewis’ Mere Christianity. I had a revelation while reading what Lewis said about belief and morality. Putting it in my words, if you believed that witches exist and were as was believed in the dark ages, wouldn’t you feel a moral responsibility to tell authorities if you felt a neighbour was a witch? Think about it – a witch was understood to have powers received in exchange for selling their soul to the devil. They could curse people with sickness, even to the point of death. They could control animals, prevent crops from growing, make people infertile, kill babies in the womb, seduce a man against his will, and much more. Makes modern terrorist pale by comparison, doesn’t it? If killing a witch were the only way to protect society, then would any sane, moral, person be opposed to executing witches? The difference between the people of the dark ages and us today is not one of morality, but of how their beliefs interacted with a morality very similar to ours.

So let’s apply that to marriage. If you and I have very different beliefs about what a husband is supposed to be and do, those beliefs will result in our acting very differently towards our wives even if we share a common morality. Maybe this is why we see men we respect and generally agree with treating their wives in ways that seem wrong to us. I’m not saying the way they act is acceptable, but it’s possible what they are doing seems right to them because of their wrong beliefs.

If you want to help a couple that has problems, don’t jump to the assumption there is a moral issue. If one or both of them are acting on wrong ideas, that could be the issue. Since accusing someone of being immoral is rather offensive, don’t go there unless you are really sure you’re right.

How does the affect you? Have you considered the possibility that you have a wrong belief or two about marriage or what it means to be a good husband? If your beliefs are wrong, your actions cannot be right. Find errors in what you believe and your actions will change in a way that benefits your bride, and your marriage.

[This post first appeared April 28, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Not on my watch ◄ We work to please God!

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