Doing Marriage Well is for both men and women. It’s a holistic look at marriage that is intended to help you find ways to make your unique relationship better. It is published Monday through Friday.
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If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you can expect more of the same. While there is no guarantee doing things differently will make your marriage better, not doing things differently guarantees it won’t get better.
You can greatly improve the odds of things getting better by making smart changes. More kindness, grace, and generosity are a solid plan. Watching the tone of your voice and those not quite unheard comments is a smart move. Doing more of what you know she wants and likes, and less what you know she dislikes, can only help.
I know she has her issues. But being nicer will affect her. I know you think she won’t ever change, but everyone changes.
There are times when you have to take a stand. But if you’re loving and generous in general, taking a stand isn’t more of the same. And that improves the odds she will listen to you.
Praying 2025 is an awesome year for your marriage!
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I have a friend who was born in the US after his Christian parents fled a Muslim country. Yesterday at church, he thanked me for the work I do with marriages. He told me that a happy Christian couple is a strong witness to Muslims.
While the effect would not be as great for other groups, I think a solid, happy marriage is a good witness to everyone.
There are a lot of bad marriages out there, and plenty more that are okay but not happy. Imagine if it became obvious Christian couples tend to be much happier than the norm.
If we all lived what the Bible tells us to do in our marriages, this is exactly what would happen.
Every part of our life is a witness for or against Christ. Those who follow Jesus are on display 24/7.
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I know the holidays means low or no sex for some couples. Often the husband wants to, but the wife is too busy. And sometimes they both want more sex, but they’re too tired to make it happen.
If you want to try to change that this year, ask your wife what you could do to make it possible to have a bit more sex. That could mean you putting the kids to bed or cancelling something. It might mean you finding a way to take things off her list.
One thing that will help is to define sex differently. Laying together and masturbating probably isn’t high on your list, but it’s better than nothing. You can also leave it open-ended when you start; if she gets into it, it’s for both of you. If exhaustion wins out, it’s just for you, and she decides how you finish.
Also consider a different time of day, especially if one or both of you is too tired at bedtime.
A discussion now could mean a jollier holiday season.
On Tuesday, I talked about being unkind to folks. I talked about the assumptions I made about people’s intelligence, integrity, and decency. And those assumptions are the real problem. I justified my wrong behaviour based on my assumptions.
How we treat folks is based on the assumptions we have made about them. How you react to the homeless is based on your assumptions. How you feel about those who have different values or politics is based on your assumptions. And how you think about and treat your wife is based on the assumptions you have made about her!
We don’t just justify our behaviour based on our assumptions, sometimes we make assumptions to justify how we want to treat someone. And we do both of these things with our wives.
What if you’re wrong about what your wife thinks? What if you’re mistaken about why she does certain things? Or why she won’t do other things? What if her choices are based on some trauma in her past that you don’t know about, don’t know about fully, or have dismisses or diminished?
If you judge your wife wrongly, you have no chance of treating her as you should. You will do things that are unacceptable and hurtful. Your attempts to motivate change will have the opposite effect you desire, and you will make a mess of your marriage.
So check your assumptions. Or better yet, dump them and get facts!
This is not specifically a marriage post. But it is a marriage issue for many.
I’ve been aware of the ongoing breakdown of basic civility. This last election cycle certainly did a lot of damage, but we were well down the road before that. Some have suggested social media is to blame. I see plenty of support for that.
I should take a moment to confess my own wrong behaviour in this regard. I’m pretty restrained here, but I’ve been known to be rather feisty on Quora. I’ve had a bad habit of making negative assumptions about people’s intelligence, integrity, or decency, and telling them so. Of course, that’s contrary to how the Bible tells me to act. It’s also not an effective way to get folks to listen to your opinion.
I’d like to tell you I’ve only done this online, and with those who deserved it. Of course, I was the one deciding who deserved it, based on my biases. Even if I did avoid behaving this way in real life, it’s still wrong to do it online. And intellectually, I know we don’t divide our behaviour up nearly as well as we think.
I’ve allowed myself to be influenced by those who act this way. I have been both in and of the world. I’m making an effort to change because I want to be better, and I want to be a light encouraging others to do likewise.
As for marriage, I know how I have treated others has offended my wife on occasion. That alone is enough reason to stop.
If this looks at all like you, do some thinking and praying.
First, you have to pick a good time to have sex. That means she’s not tired or stressed. It means she has enough time to not feel rushed. And it means you’ve been loving and decent recently.
As you move from “do ya wanna?” to climax, timing is critical. If you rush a step, it reduces her enjoyment. If you don’t spend enough time kissing and making out lightly, she may need more manual stimulation. It can also be a problem if you spend too much time on a step. If you don’t start intercourse when she’s ready, she may get frustrated or lose interest.
And finally, there’s teasing; getting her close and slowing down or stopping. Some women hate teasing. Some enjoy a bit of it. Some have their best orgasms when they are teased a good deal. In addition to each woman being different about this, each time is also different. Learning when to tease, and how much to tease, can make sex much better for her.
Yes, it’s complicated. Your wife may or may not be willing to guide you. And she may not even know what she wants well enough to clue you in! So it’s trial and error, and the result are well worth the effort.
When I wrote this a dozen years ago, I said, “There has been a lot of hype about testosterone the last few years. I say hype because the claims have run way ahead of the science.”
Science has mostly caught up, so I’ve modified accordingly.
There are those who claim testosterone replacement is the next best thing to the fountain of youth. You gain muscle, you lose weight, your sex drive and function return to how things were when you were twenty. You sleep better, depression vanishes, you have more energy, you think more clearly, and you’re able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. At best, these are exaggerations of effects seen in some men.
It is looking like there are no simple “dose related” effects for testosterone, meaning you can’t get more of what testosterone does just by having more testosterone in your system. Above a certain level, adding more does nothing good, and can do harm. Studies show that in men with testosterone in the normal range, actual levels had nothing to do with sex drive, or sexual frequency. And if low T is killing your erections, it’s so low you have no interest in sex.
One big problem is we don’t have a handle on what “normal” levels means. Look at two men with the same levels of testosterone and one is showing signs of low testosterone, while the other is not. The first might benefit from testosterone supplementing, the second will not.
At this point, in 2024, it looks like the benefits outweigh the risks for most men. This is where your doctor comes in. You can get a testosterone prescription online without giving much information. Please don’t do that. It’s quick and there is no embarrassment, but you’re bypassing the safety of dealing with a doctor who knows your unique health situation.
What about women? Testosterone has been suggested as a cure all for low sex drive in women, and especially in post-menopausal women. Thing is, a well done study found that higher levels of testosterone in women resulted in them having an increased desire to masturbate, but not to have sex with a partner. No one has done a study to see if giving women testosterone increases their desire to masturbate, but it seems likely this is the case. Hardly the result most men want! Recent research has found low levels of testosterone to be fairly safe for women, but I still can’t find solid evidence it results in more or better sex.
More reading:
Is testosterone therapy safe? Take a breath before you take the plunge – Harvard Health
