Intimacy - The Generous Husband

Friday Flashback: Understanding and Valuing Feelings in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jun 9, 2023 | Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Intimacy, Reader Requested/Inspired, Seeing Clearly

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In a comment, one of you asked for “some encouragement on emotional intimacy.” As in feeling something without using your hands. You know, that emotional junk women want all the time. Okay, just kidding – it’s an important issue. Let’s start with some groundwork on feelings.

Many men were raised to think emotions were wrong, or silly, and certainly not to be trusted. Some of us are afraid of our feelings, or afraid of what others will think if we’re “too emotional”. We think feelings are unmanly, and we must beat them down and keep them in their place. Most of us are wary of feelings – we don’t trust them much.

Certainly, those ruled by their feelings are in a bad place. Feelings can be completely out of sync with reality. The fact someone does not “feel” loved doesn’t mean they are not loved. Likewise with feeling or not feeling respected, desired, needed, and so on. However, this doesn’t mean feelings are useless, something to ignore. Our feelings affect our bodies and minds, even when we try to ignore them. Feelings can impact heath for both good and bad, and ignoring feelings won’t make them any less harmful. Additionally, our feelings will colour our thinking, even if we try to suppress them. In short, feelings will have an effect no matter what, so it’s better to admit they exist and deal with them than to be a slave to what they do to us subconsciously.

The goal, I think, is our minds making rational decisions based on all the information available – which includes our feelings. We need to realise that while feelings are not always rational, they sometimes warn us of things we don’t perceive with our conscious mind. Sometimes a feeling is the first, or only, warning we get about something. It can be our subconscious mind making connections out of bits of seemingly unconnected data. As this can be a bit hit or miss, it’s foolish to go just on feelings – but just as foolish to ignore feelings.

By the way, women as a group are more feeling driven than men. This means they are likely to see things we miss, and also more likely to be dragged off by their feelings. A wise man learns to listen to his wife’s feelings, not dismissing them lightly. This is especially true when she has “a bad feeling” about someone. Science has shown women as a whole are better than men at picking up clues about a person’s character and intentions. She’s not always right, but odds are she is right more often than you are in this area. Unless your experience with your wife has shown this is not the case, I suggest you do not ignore her when she has a bad feeling about someone or something.

[This post first appeared May 4, 2012.]

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Do You Need An Orgasm, Or Something Else?

by The Generous Husband | Apr 29, 2023 | Aff Link, Intimacy, Rethinking Sex, ZIMAGE

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I wrote Sex Without Scripts over on The XY code yesterday. I want to cover some of the same ideas here, with a focus on what this could mean for you as a man, and for your marriage and sex life.

The short version is that due to Lori’s uterine tumour and the aftermath of dealing with that, we went about half a year without having intercourse. And when we started up again, she was so tight it was a problem. So, at her suggestion, we did daily penetration without thrusting. We agreed to take care of each other in other ways as desired. At 62, I found I could sometimes be inside her and not feel an overwhelming need to climax. And so some days I choose to not orgasm. I found I really liked intercourse apart from coming. I couldn’t do that day after day, but occasionally it was a very nice thing. Intercourse is intimate and connecting, and in some ways I found it even more so without climax. Lori felt similarly.

So, let me ask you, why do you seek orgasm producing sex with your wife? I recall seeing an article entitled something like, “Is It Horniness Or Loneliness”? I think it’s a fair question, at least for men over thirty. I mean, yeah, sometimes sex drive is a big part of why we seek sex, but is that always true?

If you’re young or not getting enough, the idea of intercourse without a “proper ending” probably sounds like torture to you. But how might your wife feel about it? Sex has always been about your orgasm, hasn’t it? I mean, you care about her, and you want it to be good for her too, but the reality of your sex drive has probably made your orgasm non-negotiable.

The other side of this, which I’ve mentioned before, is that we sometimes seek sex when what we really want is physical intimacy or emotional connection. The sex gets us those things, but if we seek sex rather than those things and our wife isn’t’t up for sex, we get neither sex nor what we really needed.

What might you learn if you had orgasmless intercourse a few times? How might your wife feel about sex without you expecting to come? It’s way easier for her, with no expectations or mess.

If you dare to try this, I suggest being upfront with your wife that you have no idea how it will go. The first couple of times, I’d do it morning or afternoon with the intention of some form of sex to climax at bedtime. Once you get a feel for it, you might do it the day after you had an orgasm, if you think you can go till the next day for release.

An alternative to this is to gently fondle each other’s genitals for a few minutes. The goal is not orgasm or strong arousal, just some pleasurable feelings and a sense of connection.

If you do this, you will learn to identify the various things you get from sex. You can then ask for what you want. So you might say on one occasion, “I‘d like to come, but what I really need is to be in you and then hold you tight.” And another time you could let her know you really enjoy being in her, but what you most need right now is release, any way she is willing to provide it. You might learn when you can ignore the erection you get snuggling – and when you can’t ignore it. Learn to ask yourself if you could come, or you really need to. Sometimes doing it just because you can even when you don’t need to is nice. But learning when you need it and when you don’t is a really good thing.

Most women will find this nuanced understanding of your needs much better than just presenting as horny all the time. And that will lead to a better marriage and a better sex life.

I’m not suggesting here that you stop having orgasms but keep having intercourse. There are those who recommend this, and odds are someone will comment they do it and like it. I think God made our sex drive for a reason, and that makes completely denying it is wrong. There is also growing research that shows regular ejaculations reduce the chance of prostate cancer.

BTW, my XY Code post also recommended a pelvic floor program that my wife found very helpful. You might point your wife to Pelvic Floor Strong – most women would benefit.

A post worth reading:

Knowing Her Sexually | Episode 66: How to Really Connect with Your Wife (and How Trauma Has Impacted You Both), with Brad Aldrich, LMFT ◄ How do connection, curiosity, and past trauma impact sexual intimacy in your marriage?

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Friday Flashback: Got Secrets? Stop.

by The Generous Husband | Oct 28, 2022 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Communication, Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Intimacy, ZIMAGE

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Aside from the good surprise kind, secrets have no place in a marriage. If your wife knows you’re keeping secrets it’s hurting your marriage. If she suspects you are keeping secrets that will hurt your marriage too.

What qualifies as a secret? Pretty much anything you don’t share; even if it’s “no big deal“. In part, this is about communication and intimacy; she wants to know all about you, your world, your thoughts, dreams, and fears. If you’re not sharing yourself in that way, it feels to her like you are keeping secrets.

Does that mean you have to share everything? Does it mean you need to give her every detail? Odds are she doesn’t care that much. Give her the highlights, then follow up if and where she shows interest. It’s more about being willing to share anything.

Does not keeping secrets mean you should share things others tell you in confidence? That’s a decision you need to make for your marriage – and I’d suggest you discuss it with your wife. If your job puts you in contact with classified or private information, you’ll need to work within the bounds of the law and any confidentiality requirements.

Beyond that, you need to be honest with yourself about your wife’s ability to keep a secret; if you share something with her, is there a chance it will go beyond her? Also, ask yourself if knowing something shared with you in confidence will change how your wife treats that person in a negative way,

If you decide to share anything and everything, be sure to make that clear to those who might be affected. Your friends need to know you’re not going to keep their secrets from your wife. That doesn’t mean you will share everything they say or do, but it does mean you might. Personally, I think this is a good thing and it can keep you from ending up in a bad spot.

[This post first appeared Jan 05, 2012.]

A post worth reading:

The Romantic Vineyard | Happy Place ◄ A great discussion to have with your wife.

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Sex Is Just One Part Of Physical Intimacy

by The Generous Husband | Oct 4, 2022 | Aff Link, Her Needs, Intimacy, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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I find that some men think the phrase “physical intimacy” means sex, and only sex. For example, the fellow who said, “My wife wants to hug me, but rejects all physical intimacy.”

Wikipedia has a good definition for this:

Physical intimacy is sensual proximity or touching. It is an act or reaction, such as an expression of feelings, between people. Examples of physical intimacy include being inside someone’s personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing and sexual activity. ~ Wikipedia

If you fail to understand your wife’s need for non-sexual physical intimacy you’re going to have problems. And not just sexual problems.

Humans need physical intimacy. Babies deprived of physical touch don’t develop properly, and in children, teens and adults a lack of physical intimacy can lead to depression. Some folks need more physical intimacy than others and women generally want more than men. Men on the other hand may shy away from non-sexual intimate touch for cultural reasons, to their detriment.

Most women need their non-sexual touch needs met before they want sex. They may have sex anyway, but it will make arousal and orgasm more difficult. A woman may seek sex because she knows it’s the only way to get intimate physical touch, but long term this will put her off sex completely.

On the male side, a man who’s not having enough sex will find any form of physical intimacy with his wife arousing. Women often get upset about this, claiming sex is all he wants or all he thinks about. If this has been a problem in your marriage, try to explain it to her. Tell her you enjoy cuddling, but it makes you aware of how horny you are and makes the horniness even stronger. Tell her she can ignore it or do something about it, but you can’t stop it much as you might want to.

Make a real effort to give your wife all the non-sexual physical intimacy she can handle. Hold her hand, rub her feet or shoulders. Sit close when you watch TV. Give her random hugs as you pass her. When you’re falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning do some cuddling. Giving her the touch she desperately needs will make her happier and easier to get along with. And if you keep it up, it might eventually improve your sex life.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Learning from our temptations ◄ Because what tempts you means something about you.

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Friday Flashback: Are Men Relationally Challenged?

by The Generous Husband | May 28, 2021 | Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Intimacy, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

Men as a group are not as good at relationships as women as a group. At birth, the female brain is better wired for relationships than the male brain, and because of this, women are better at empathy and reading others. Add to this the difference in how we are taught and raised, and the difference in how well we do with relationships is understandable. I am NOT saying men are stupid; just that we are less programmed for relationships and get less instruction on relationships. And as with many things, those who don’t fully “get it” also tend to not be aware that they don’t get it.

Imagine if all men were completely colour-blind, while all women could see colours. Men would have no problems communicating about what they see with other colour-blind men, but would be frustrated by women who claim to see things that they can’t see. The women would get on just fine with other colour-seeing women and would be frustrated with men who say they can’t see what is so clearly there in front of their eyes.

While that might help you see the issue, colour-blindness is a poor metaphor because men can learn to be much better at relationships. We can learn to be more empathetic and to notice subtle clues about how others are feeling. Given the handicap we start with, we will never outclass some women, but we can get much better and that can make our marriages better.

Am I saying guys should change to be like women? Why not ask them to be more as we are? The reality here is that the women are seeing something that is there. This is not about right and wrong, but about seeing and not seeing. It would make no sense to say the people who can see colours should pretend they don’t exist – especially if there is a way for those who don’t see colours to learn to see them.

[This post first appeared June 10, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

As Life Spins Back Up | ◄ How about living deeper with your wife?

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Friday Flashback: Little Things Make Or Break Marriages

by The Generous Husband | Apr 9, 2021 | Friday Flashback, Intimacy, Links to good stuff, The "D" word, ZIMAGE

When I read Seth’s Resilience and the incredible power of slow change post I made a note to myself with a link to Seth’s post, and “small foxes verse”.

Few marriages are killed by the big stuff – deaths, illness, job loss, bankruptcy, and so on. Marriage death is usually a result of “the small stuff”. Not one small thing, but many, many small things over the months and years. As Seth suggests, we are more aware of the big stuff, which means we are more likely to deal with it. The small stuff sneaks by, especially when we’re busy. Each thing seems too minor to matter and so we let it go onto the ever-growing pile of things too small to matter. Gradually that pile becomes a problem. At best it weighs the marriage down, keeping it from being as good as it could be; at worst it kills the marriage.

Yesterday I came across an article that seems to say much the same thing. The Newlywed Game Was On to Something: Knowledge About Partner is Key in Relationships discusses research done by Dr. Robert Epstein and student Rachel Smith which shows that knowing our spouse is vital to a healthy marriage. Also important are basic life skills, such as paying bills on time and being able to deal with stress. These were found to be more important than good communication skills.

“Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” [SS 2:15 ESV]

Foxes, which are small and sneaky, are attracted to the blossoms of grapevines. They destroy the blossoms (meaning no fruit), and in the process can do significant damage to the tender growth on which the vine blossoms. Foxes – small things that often go unnoticed – are like the small problems in our marriages. Let too many foxes in and there is no fruit this year and next year’s harvest is reduced. Likewise in our marriages, let too many little things go, and the marriage suffers both now and in the future.

By the way – Dr. Epstein has an online Love Competency Test that will score seven areas important for a good marriage. A good way to see what needs work.

Seth’s Blog | The things we go back to ◄ Are you going back to things that hurt your marriage?

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[This post first appeared May 23, 2011.]

Make Some Fun

by The Generous Husband | Jul 23, 2020 | 1 + 1 = 1, Good Marriage, Intimacy, ZIMAGE

Life is crazy right now and it’s easy to feel down or get shut down.

Make a point of having some fun with your wife. Be intentional about it, think about how to add a bit of fun.

Fun is good for you, it’s good for her, and it’s good for your marriage. Win, win, win!

A post worth reading:

Knowing Her Sexually | The Myth of Make-up Sex ◄ It may not do for her what it does for you.

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Following Jesus Together

by The Generous Husband | Jan 6, 2019 | Faith walk, Intimacy, ZIMAGE

Many couples struggle with sharing their Christian walk with each other. This is understandable, as our faith is personal and our relationship with God is private. But for these same reasons, sharing our faith with our spouse can be intimate and powerful.

To that end, Lori and I are both reading Paul David Tripp’s daily devotional this year. As we drive together it’s easy for her to read it aloud and then we can discuss it. When we get home I suspect we will read it individually and then discuss it at lunch or dinner.

If you think this would work for you, check out New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional by Paul David Tripp, or find another daily devotional you would both like.

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