Hope - The Generous Husband

Friday Flashback: Stop Settling! You Can Have A Great Marriage!

by The Generous Husband | Apr 28, 2023 | Audio, Change, Encouragement, Good Marriage, Hope, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I get deeply frustrated at all the couples who are settling for a bad marriage; or a poor marriage, or even an okay marriage. Why would people do this? Why would they accept a shadow of what they could have?

My conclusion is people settle for one or both of two reasons: fear and ignorance.

Ignorance: I don’t mean stupidity, I mean just not knowing it can be better. When I was growing up, my parents had a fair marriage; not great, but not bad. Most others I saw were worse off than my parents, some much worse. For some reason (I blame God), I felt there had to be something better. I had no example, but I believed it. When our marriage had problems, I didn’t accept them as inevitable or unsolvable; I was sure we could work through them and come out the other end with a better marriage. And you know what? It happened! We lived what I believed was possible.

The point here is you’re not going to have a better marriage if you don’t think you can have a better marriage. Take my word for it, or ask God to put it in your heart as He did with me, but find a way to believe it can be better – far, far better.

Fear: I think some people would rather succeed at poor than risk failing at great. I think others want deniability – if they try to make the marriage better and fail, they worry they will be blamed for a divorce. Even if they’re sure doing nothing will end in divorce, they would rather wait for the divorce than try to make it better and risk blame. I don’t know how to help someone overcome such fears, other than maybe helping them see it’s possible, and thus changing the odds in their mind.

A friend of mine often quotes President Harry S Truman, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” Let me change that to “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you don’t care if you get the blame.”

Bottom line: PLEASE stop settling! I’m begging you, there is so much more. Marriage need not be a battleground, or boring, or just barely better than being single. Marriage can be deeply enjoyable and satisfying, a source of comfort and joy. Even if things are ugly now, it can change, and a change in your attitude and belief will start that process.

[This post first appeared Apr 23, 2012.]

A post worth reading:

Hot, Holy & Humorous | Why a Husband Helping Around the House Makes a Wife More Open to Sex ◄ It’s complicated, but sometimes it is a fact.

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Friday Flashback: Do Men Want More Sex Than Women?

by The Generous Husband | Dec 2, 2022 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Hope, Rethinking Sex, Sexuality, Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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When I was about to get married, an older gentleman at my workplace said something about sex in marriage. He indicated no man could keep up with a woman who enjoyed sex. Most of my co-workers had on occasion expressed they did not get enough, so he got the expected arguments – which he dismissed with a smile.

Of course, we all know men want more sex than women, right? We know a woman who really likes and wants sex is so rare as to be a freak of nature, right? I say no, this is not right. There are more women who really want and enjoy sex than we think. Beyond this, I think these women are supposed to be the norm. I don’t think God designed the system to produce the level of frustration that occurs in many marriages. I think God designed women to want sex as much, or more than, men and to enjoy it far more than any man ever could!

Indeed, this was the understanding of the Jews of old and I have to assume it was based on experience. While a Jewish woman was not allowed to divorce her husband, the civil law did allow her to ask the courts to force her husband to give her a divorce for one and only one reason; if he failed to provide her with regular sex. Additionally, there was a rabbinical list of how often a man was to have sex with his wife, depending mostly on his job. In short, if a man had a non-physically demanding job and was home every day, he was expected to have sex with his wife every day she was not unclean. That would be daily for several weeks each month! Finally, God said if a man took a slave for a wife, and then took a free wife, the man was not allowed to decrease the amount of food, clothing, or sex he gave the first wife. (Exodus 21:10) It seems God thinks women want plenty of sex!

Why then is the norm in our society men always chasing their wives for sex she doesn’t want? I think it is because we live in a sinful, fallen world. It is also because God did not give women the same kind of sex drive He gave men. For men, sex drive includes a strong physical component. A few women have a strong physical drive, but most not so much, and not all the time like men. When a woman desires a lot of sex, her drive is usually more emotional, mental, and relational. When a woman is free of sexual pain from the past, not exhausted or worried, and has a good solid loving marriage, she may want every bit of sex her husband can provide.

I realise this sounds impossible to you if you fight to have sex a few times a month, but it should give you some hope. I’m convinced God designed her to want sex, and lots of it. Beyond theory, we’ve talked to enough women and couples who are living it to know it does exist. We have also talked to couples who have moved into this after the woman was 40 or even 50 years old. I’m sure there is an age at which this change becomes unlikely, but it’s older than you might think.

How do you get from here to there? Start by believing it’s possible and that it’s what God wants. Beyond that, there are two sets of problems that may be keeping your wife from being the sexually hungry woman she should be.

The first set of problems is things she brought into the marriage – fears, wrong ideas, uptight religious feelings about sex, negative body image, thinking her sex organs are gross, and the effects of molestation, rape, or consensual sex before marriage. To be honest, there’s not a great deal you can do about these things other than not make them worse. Encourage your lady to work on them and give her a lot of grace as she does.

The second set of problems is those you helped create. This includes whatever sex you had with her before marriage, any sexual selfishness, porn use, or adultery, but it goes way beyond the sexual. If her sex drive is based on emotions and her relationship with you, then anything that harms or limits her feelings towards you also reduces her desire to be sexual with you. For some women, it is not that simple, but for many it really is. If you want her to want sex, you will have to give her all those non-sexual things she must have first. The good news is you do have power over these things!

[This post first appeared Feb 11, 2012.]

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Friday Flashback: Is Your Shame Hurting Your Marriage?

by The Generous Husband | Feb 25, 2022 | Audio, GRACE, Hope, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I am of the opinion that shame is rarely (never?) from God and in no way helpful to us. I think the Spirit of God brings conviction, while condemnation comes from man or Satan. Shame seems, to me, to be at odds with a biblical understanding of grace. Shame tends to be crippling and causes us to lose all hope of ever being better. It leaves us feeling worthless and powerless, and results in our continuing in the behaviour that brought about the shame. We feel we can’t do well enough, so why bother trying?

If there is shame in your life it’s sucking the life out of you – and out of your marriage. Regardless of why you feel shame, it needs to be treated like the cancer it is. If you can’t deal with it on your own, please get some third-party help. A great book on this topic is Understanding Shame by Jonathan Daugherty. (Also on Lulu )

Part of the power of shame is that we’re sure that others would despise us if they knew the truth. In particular, we fear that our wife would leave us, hate us, or refuse to touch us if she knew what we have done or thought. While this may or may not be a realistic fear, the fear itself is crippling and ultimately far more difficult to live with than anything that could come from sharing the truth. Certainty one needs to use wisdom about how and when to share, but share we must if we want to ever be free of the shame.

BTW, while shame is also associated with sexual sin, there are plenty of other things that cause shame. Shame is harmful regardless of what it’s about.

[This post first appeared Sept 15, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Gifts and identity◄ A big part of who we are, but only a part.

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You Can Change Your Marriage All On Your Own

by The Generous Husband | Jan 17, 2022 | Good Marriage, Hope, ZIMAGE

My wonderful wife, who makes your reading experience here so much better by proofreading my posts before they are allowed to escape into the wild, commented a few days ago that I was posting a bit differently this year.

She’s correct and it’s intentional. I am increasingly frustrated by all the poor-to-horrible marriages I see. I want to help anyone who will listen to have a better marriage (and sex life).

To that end, I have started the year with some hard-hitting posts. And because I’m talking to you and not your wife, I’m talking about what you can do to change yourself and your marriage. I know from talking to many men that unilateral changes can and do make major changes. No, it’s not 100%, but if you spend this year really working at it, the odds of having a better marriage at the end of the year are better than fifty/fifty and way better than if you keep doing what you have been doing.

As I’ve said, you can do it and the results are well worth it. The only things standing in your way are choosing to commit to it and then sticking to it. Decide to do your part for one year, regardless of what your wife does or does not do. The worst-case scenario is that a year from now you will know she’s not going to change and then you can deal with that sad reality.

I won’t be pushing this hard every day. It will be a regular thing, but there will be plenty of other posts.

#Couple’sQuestion: What labels do you wear? What labels do you need to remove?

A post worth reading:

Knowing Her Sexually | Why Can’t My Wife Let Go and Enjoy Sex? ◄ And what you can do to help.

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Friday Flashback: The Belief That’s Sabotaging Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jan 14, 2022 | BE THE CHANGE, Hope, Links to good stuff, Series

I more or less stole the title of this post from a great article on how we feel about our ability to improve. As I see it, the belief sabotaging many marriages is “people don’t change” (or can’t change, or won’t change). Most of us have heard “a leopard cannot change its spots and a tiger cannot change its stripes” which is supposed to indicate that people don’t really change.

While most of us would agree that some people could change, I find many don’t expect others to change. Of course, often we don’t want others to change, even if we don’t like how they behave.

The truth is, people can and do change. You can change, and your wife can change. One of the biggest obstacles to your changing is thinking you can’t. Another big obstacle is your wife thinking you can’t change and possibly resisting change if you try.

Change isn’t easy. Our brains like the familiar and go back to it at every chance. Change takes effort and concentration.

Because our brains like what’s familiar, we tend to feel uncomfortable about changes in our spouse, even if those changes are good. We don’t trust change, and we will unconsciously work against change, even when that change could benefit us.

Over the next few days, I will discuss change. I hope you will read with a mind open to the possibility of real change in yourself and your wife.

[This post first appeared Sept 6, 2011.]

Mentionables, which has beautiful lingerie at a great price, is having a pink Friday sale. Get 20% off on everything today (Friday, Jan 14th) only!

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Friday Flashback: Start By Ringing Out The Old

by The Generous Husband | Dec 31, 2021 | BE THE CHANGE, Hope, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

Ring Out, Wild Bells is an old hymn. You can find all the lyrics here; below are the second verse and a few selected lines:

Ring out the old, ring in the new
Ring, happy bells, across the snow;
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out the grief that saps the mind,

Ring out the feud of rich and poor,

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;

Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

We can’t make room for the new, for change, for good things, unless we get rid of the old. If you want to be a better man/husband/father in 2022, you have to let go of the past. Regret that leads to change is good, but regret often becomes an anchor that keeps us from moving on. Wanting to make things right is good, but if you can’t make it right you have to let go so you don’t get stuck. Being forgiven is great, but you have no power to make that happen. You can say you’re sorry, you can apologise, and you can forgive others unilaterally.

Do what is in your power to make up for the past, and then move on.

Please don’t be a slave to who you have been in the past; move beyond that. Let go of the past. Let go of those who want to keep you in the past and those who refuse to see real and sustained changes. Be more, be better. You can if you want it enough to work at it. And prayer is always a help!

[This post first appeared Dec 30, 2011.]

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We hit our fundraising goal Wednesday afternoon! A huge thank you to all who contributed, and to the many kinds comments, we received. It is a big blessing to know that God is using what we do to help people.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Facing the unchangeable ◄ Speaking of what you can’t change…

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Friday Flashback: A Confession

by The Generous Husband | Oct 15, 2021 | Big Deal Post, Friday Flashback, Hope, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

I have a confession: I’m selfish. I do not mean a bit selfish around the edges, I mean deep inside I am all about me.

I realise selfishness is a basic human condition and maybe I’m no more selfish than most folks are. Then again, maybe I’m more selfish than average. I don’t know anyone else as well as I know myself, so how would I judge? My wife seems to me to be far less selfish than I am, but then I’m comparing what I see her doing to what I know is in my heart, so it’s not exactly an accurate comparison.

Having confessed my selfishness, I suspect most who know me would say I’m a bit less selfish than most. At least I hope that is what they would say! I do know that what I do, and thus what others see, is far less selfish than what I feel within. The reason for that, and the point of this post, is that I choose to fight my selfishness. Because of my choice, I’m often able to avoid acting on my selfish urges.

If you’ve read me long, you have probably figured out that I’m big on the power of choice. The tag “I_choose” is my second most used tag. I’m convinced that we can choose to be different. We can choose to not do things we feel like doing and do things we don’t feel like doing. We can choose not to indulge things within us that are wrong, self-destructive, other-destructive, unwise, or just plain stupid.

I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites… ~ [John Nash in A Beautiful Mind]

I challenge you to put yourself on a diet of the mind. Choose not to indulge appetites that you know you should not include. Choose to be better. Choose to do more giving and less taking; more right and less wrong; more loving and less selfishness.

Yes, it is difficult at first, just like any diet. However, the longer you do it, the easier it becomes. When you feel you can’t do it, know that the Lord is there to help, if you will let Him. In our own strength, we can do a little better, but with His help, we can do much better.

A post worth reading:

Mike Glenn | How to Have a Stronger Marriage (Hint: You already know how to do this)◄ “It’s the same skills.”

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Friday Flashback: It Can Be MUCH Better!

by The Generous Husband | Jun 4, 2021 | Friday Flashback, Hope, Links to good stuff, The "D" word, ZIMAGE

Bottom line up front: No matter what your marriage is like now, it can be much better. Whether it’s currently good or bad, it can be better. If you both think it’s over, it can be better. If one of you has moved out or divorce has been filed, it can be much better. Even if divorce has occurred, as long as you are both single, you can have a great marriage. I can say this with confidence because I know couples from each of those categories who now has a fantastic marriage.

So, what does it take to have a much better marriage? Long term it requires that both husband and wife be dedicated to making a better marriage. But short term it only requires one person to make that commitment. The majority of the time (not 100%, but the vast majority), if one spouse really starts to do what’s right, the other will eventually make changes as well. It’s human nature to reciprocate love, kindness, and changes that benefit us.

The real issue here is this: How far is each of you willing to go to have a better marriage? How much are you willing to change? What are you willing to give up for a better marriage? How much time and effort are you each going to devote to getting a better marriage?

Is it worth it? I’ve never heard anyone who gained a great marriage say it cost too much. Those who achieve it are unanimous – it’s worth everything it costs and then some.

[This post first appeared June 15, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Kevin A. Thompson | Can You Hit a Curveball? ◄ If not, you better learn. Because life is going to throw them at you!

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