Headship/Submission - The Generous Husband

Embracing Emotional Maturity: A Call to Christian Husbands

by The Generous Husband | Jan 9, 2025 | Be a grownup, Headship/Submission

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Yesterday I said a lot of bad marriage behaviour is a result of folks seeking attention and/or respect from their spouse. Then I told you to give your wife more attention and respect, as if you’re the only one guilty in this.

I have no doubt most of you need more attention and respect from your wives. But you telling her that is not likely to bring about positive results. I’m talking to you, and you can change you, so I focused on that.

The other thing at play here is that when both spouses need to change, the one who acts is the one who is more emotionally mature. The less mature spouse waits for the other to act, and then reacts to what was done.

I’m calling on you to be the more emotionally mature one in your marriage. In other words, grow up! As someone who believes in headship, I don’t think we have an option on this. Being the husband God called us to be requires us to relentlessly pursue emotional maturity.

If you want to make a serious run at this, I suggest the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature. I’ve read this book twice in the last decade, and will be doing it for a third time with our life group soon. It’s challenging, but if you work at it, you will grow up a bit. Or maybe a lot. And that will be very good for your marriage!

I went for the audio version this time, but you can do Kindle or old school book if you like.

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FF: Servant Leadership in Marriage: Debunking the Control Myth

by The Generous Husband | Sep 27, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Headship/Submission, Series

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I know, I know, you’re the husband, which makes you the boss. The boss is clearly in control, so that means you’re in control. The only control problem in marriage is women who won’t accept that their husband is in control!

A lot of us were taught something along these lines, but the Bible doesn’t actually say that. The Bible says husbands are to be servant leaders, just as Christ was a servant leader.

Some will argue Jesus is in control. Jesus Himself would disagree; He was very clear God was in control, while He, Jesus, only did what He saw God doing. Please don’t think this is just a technicality, it’s a critical fact we MUST understand if we have any hope of being the kind of husband and servant leader God calls us to be. Being the leader of your home is not about being in control, and it certainly is not about doing things the way you want them to be done. Jesus didn’t want to go to the cross, but He did. “Not my will, but your will be done” is what each of us needs to say to God about how we lead our family. Jesus was willing to go as far as dying; how far are we willing to go for our wife and children?

The other thing about being a servant leader is following such a leader is optional. It’s not optional if a wife wants to be obedient to God, but there is no provision for the servant leader to enforce following. Just as Jesus will let us go our own way, we have to be willing to let our wife ignore our attempts to lead. If you’re a true servant leader, and your wife chooses not to follow you, please pray for her, because it’s not going to go well for her. If you’re behaving rightly, and she’s not following you, it’s God’s problem to deal with. On the other hand, if you’re not leading properly, or are not leading at all, those are also God’s problems to deal with.

Enough on control; on to something new!

[This post first appeared Sept 11, 2012.]

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Husbands, Lead the Way in Slowing Down Your Busy Lives

by The Generous Husband | Jan 4, 2024 | Audio, Big Deal Post, Do It For Her, DoLessin2024, Headship/Submission, Marriage Killer, ZIMAGE

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I want to follow up on what I said about being too busy endangering our marriages, our happiness, and our very lives. I want to suggest this is a headship issue.

I don’t talk a lot about headship because it’s a hot button issue, and because I know some of you are egalitarian. If you’re the latter group, please look at this the way you would anything else that could make your wife miserable, kill her, or end your marriage.

Part of the issue here is the pressure society puts on women. They are held to an impossible standard, and given very little grace when they fail. A woman who sets a sane pace will be called unkind things by others. Your support can help her make the right choice, and protect her from those who don’t like her doing that.

Even if you expect a fight, you need to talk about this with your wife. Do it for her, for you, for your kids, and for your marriage. Do it because it’s the right thing to do.

BTW, I’d strongly suggest this is a place where you need to lead by example before you say words!

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Plan Now for Less Holiday Stress

by The Generous Husband | Oct 31, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, Headship/Submission

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The holidays are coming!

Does that fill you with joy? Or with dread? Or a bit of each? And how does it make your wife feel?

The holidays should be a time of friends and fun, but all too often it’s more about stress, over spending, and over eating. If you and your wife do some talking and planning now, you can make the holidays a good thing for yourselves and your children.

The two biggest holidays killers are busyness and family.

Busyness: Even those who usually keep their schedules under control are given to packing in too much for the holidays. Part of it is not wanting to miss anything. The uglier side of is feeling obligated. Learning to say no to things, and to those who try to get you to do too many things, is critical if you want to feel good about the holidays come January. Don’t let tradition dictate what you do. Ask yourself if you actually enjoy the activities you put on the calendar without even thinking about it. Even better, spend some time prioritising the things you do. Weed out what doesn’t bring blessing, and make time for things that do. And be sure to leave some margin, because you know there will be last minute opportunities.

Family: Friends and family important, but they have no right to ruin the holidays for you, your wife, or your children. Do you want your kids to look back on the holidays as a time of driving all over to see a lot of people for a short time each? Some sacrifice is appropriate here, especially for parents, but that must be balanced. If you’re attending some gathering out of guilt, something is wrong.

Bottom line: You can do the holidays, or you can let them do you. The former can be a joyful thing, the latter is not. The key to doing rather than being done is to think and plan now.

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Friday Flashback: Would You Rather Be In Control or Happy in Your Marriage?

by The Generous Husband | Oct 27, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Friday Flashback, Headship/Submission, Marriage Killer, ZIMAGE

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A question asked by a wise husband and wife I know when they talk to couples is “Would you rather be right or happy?” What they mean is that insisting on proving you’re right often gets in the way of being happy. If you can learn to let go of things, allowing others to “be wrong”, you can be more relaxed and happy. This is especially true in marriage, where fights over who is right and the “right way to do it” can tear a couple apart.

I agree with this concept, mostly, as I’ve explained it. However, I’ve always had a problem with the saying because on some issues right and wrong are important. As a semi-reformed black and white thinker, the right or happy choice seems like a false choice to me.

So let me offer this: would you rather be in control or happy? No doubt, some of you will think, “what about headship?” I don’t see headship as being in control because submission is a choice, and headship is about SERVANT leadership, which is not the same thing as being in control. Done right, headship is about God being in control; if you never lead into things you wouldn’t choose to do, then God is not in control. Control is about power, not loving and serving. It’s natural to want to be in control. We see it in our children; even before they can talk, they want control. Most problems with preschoolers come down to the child wanting to be in control. In fact, most problems in life – from problems on the highway to wars – come down to struggles for control.

We think being in complete control would make us happy. We think it would make us feel safe. However, we could only have such control if others were willing to give up all control, which isn’t likely. In marriage, having complete control would require our wife to give up all control. Aside from being unlikely, would you really want to be with a woman who would do that? When we struggle for control we hurt each other, feel hurt, and neither of us is happy.

You and your wife would both be happier if you could do less fighting to be in control. I realise this is a scary suggestion if your wife’s the “control freak” in your marriage. Find a few places where you can stop fighting for control, a few places where it really doesn’t matter. Let her have her way, even if “it’s not fair”. See how it makes you feel, and see if it makes your relationship easier. If you’re the control freak (be honest with yourself) then you have the power to make changes here. Relax, let go of a few things, and see if it makes life better for you and your wife.

[This post first appeared July 3, 2012.]

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Love Sacrifices

by The Generous Husband | Oct 12, 2023 | Apply the Bible, Audio, Headship/Submission, ZIMAGE

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Another look at how Jesus would have us love our wives. I’m going to use a Pauline text for this one, but the idea is certainly found in how Jesus calls us to behave.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ~Ephesians 5:25 ESV

The Message drives the point home well, saying:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. ~ MSG

I would put it this way: Love sacrifices for the one it loves. This is the hallmark of love. If this is missing, it’s probably not love, and it’s certainly not mature, healthy love.

Of course, there are seasons to this. There are times when one spouse does far more sacrificing. But if that’s the norm, something is wrong. Both husband and wife need to sacrifice regularly.

BTW, when I say sacrifice, I don’t just mean not doing something. I also mean doing something you have no interest in doing because your wife wants it. That means watching a show with her that she really wants you to watch with her. It means rubbing her back when it’s sore, even if you’re exhausted and just want to sleep. It means making time to talk with her when you feel no desire to talk, and actually engaging well. It means letting her choose the restaurant, even though you know it will be one you would never choose. Love says, “I have no interest, but will gladly do that with you because I love you.”

Do you sacrifice for your wife? Do you do it often enough?

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Serving Your Wife Changes How You See Her

by The Generous Husband | Sep 12, 2023 | Acts of Service, Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Headship/Submission, ZIMAGE

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A few weeks ago, when it was really hot (for here) we were on the way to the grocery store and I saw a group of homeless people trying to find shade. I clearly felt God nudge me to get them water. So when we got to the store, I bought a case of bottled water. As we drove out I stopped, got out of the car, went over to the homeless folks, and said “I’ve got water”.

Since then, I’ve done something similar a couple of times. On a hot day, I got a bottle of sports drink for a fellow on the street corner. I drove by and held it out as I slowed down to make the turn. And then I took a group of homeless a dozen doughnuts, saying “Donut break”.

What I find interesting is how these actions have effected me. I see these folks differently. I see them as people, with worth and value. I see them as people Jesus loves and died for. Each time I’ve done this, I’ve said something that should identify me as a follower of Jesus. Perhaps that will make a difference to one of them, but probably not. But being obedient to God has changed me, and that’s a big deal.

And yes, I see a marriage application in all of this. Serving someone changes how we see them. It softens our heart towards them and makes us think about their needs. And this is as true with serving our wife as it is with serving the homeless.

Jesus called us to be servants. He told men to be servant leaders in their marriages. When we do that, it changes us in ways that can only improve our marriage.

How should you be serving your wife?

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Do You Want Growth or Control?

by The Generous Husband | Mar 2, 2023 | Audio, Big Deal Post, Good Marriage, Headship/Submission, Links to good stuff, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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A couple of times recently, my pastor has said, “you either structure for growth or control” – something he read in his school work. I think the idea is both true and important. And I think it’s valid in marriage.

If you want your wife to grow, you can’t be controlling. And if you want to control her, she can’t grow very much.

I think this is why I’ve always had a problem with how many have taught complementary headship. Regardless of the intention, it becomes all about control, and that means the wife can’t change and grow. That’s a problem because God expects us to change and grow, and a healthy marriage requires it. Hardline complementarianism hurts women and marriages. Headship is not about control, and it’s certainly not about limiting or preventing growth.

Of course, our human nature is to want control. Control feel safe. We think if we’re in control, we can’t get hurt. But the truth is, trying to be in control means our marriage can’t experience the kind of change and growth that makes it become better for both husband and wife.

So ask yourself honestly, are you trying to control your wife or your marriage too much? Are you unhappy or having issues because of this? Are you setting yourself up for a major blow up or even a divorce?

A post worth reading:

Honeycomb & Spice | Let’s Ditch Doggy Style ◄ It’s not the position that’s the problem…

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