Generosity - The Generous Husband

Transform Your Marriage in 2025

by The Generous Husband | Dec 31, 2024 | ~ list info, Generosity, Good Marriage, GRACE

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Would you like a better marriage in 2025?

If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you can expect more of the same. While there is no guarantee doing things differently will make your marriage better, not doing things differently guarantees it won’t get better.

You can greatly improve the odds of things getting better by making smart changes. More kindness, grace, and generosity are a solid plan. Watching the tone of your voice and those not quite unheard comments is a smart move. Doing more of what you know she wants and likes, and less what you know she dislikes, can only help.

I know she has her issues. But being nicer will affect her. I know you think she won’t ever change, but everyone changes.

There are times when you have to take a stand. But if you’re loving and generous in general, taking a stand isn’t more of the same. And that improves the odds she will listen to you.

Praying 2025 is an awesome year for your marriage!

If you want a 2024 tax credit for a donation, it needs to be made before midnight your time.

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Strengthening Your Marriage Through Serving Others

by The Generous Husband | Dec 3, 2024 | Generosity

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Today is #GivingTuesday, an event following Black Friday and Cyber Monday that is all about radical generosity. Lori and I usually kick off our year-end giving campaign on GivingTuesday, and I’ll nag you about that at the bottom. But I want to talk about the concept of giving in general.

There’s a lot of need out there.

Last month, I became a board member for The Greenhouse, a local food and clothing bank. A couple of days before Thanksgiving, I joined volunteers to package 250 turkey meals for our clients. We move a lot of food, and we’re barely scratching the surface. Next year I will be working to get more support from area churches, and helping to build a coalition with other food banks in our area. This is part of how I’m working to be radically generous.

I’ve suggested more than once that volunteering as a couple is good for your marriage. A food bank is a great way to do that, and most of them are always looking for help. You can also work with the homeless, or adult literacy. The YMCA needs volunteers, as does Meals on Wheels. Catchafire matches your skills with a non-profit in need of those skills, and VolunteerMatch makes it easy to find a need near you.

As for Lori and me, we are able to do what we for marriages because of the generosity of folks like you. Please pray about helping us help others. Links below.

Donate with Check or BillPay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

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Move from Enough to Generous in Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Feb 27, 2024 | Audio, Generosity, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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Enough ≠ Generosity

This blog is not about being enough, it’s about being generous.

Let’s get a definition:

gen·er·ous
/ˈjen(ə)rəs/
adjective
(of a person) showing a readiness to give more of something than is strictly necessary or expected.

More than is necessary or expected. Bingo.

I have been asked many, many times about the minimum a husband or wife must provide to their spouse. The question always makes me sad, became it shows a stingy heart, and you can’t build a good marriage on stingy.

I realise there is some value to knowing the minimum so you can be sure to not fall below that. But here’s the thing. If you are getting the bare minimum of something, there is no wiggle room. If you’re giving your wife just enough and something keeps you from doing that for a few days, your wife will feel unloved, uncared for, or unappreciated. But when you’re generous, your wife has extra, and a short term drop in what you do won’t be a problem.

And of course, generosity tends to inspire generosity. And being stingy inspires stinginess. Which do you want to sow into your marriage?

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Being Proactively Aware of Her Needs

by The Generous Husband | Jan 31, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, Generosity, Her Needs, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

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I swim at the Y twice a week. They have six lanes. On Tuesdays that’s usually enough, but on Fridays there are always more than six people at some point. The lanes are wide enough to share, and the big black line down the middle of the lane makes that easy to do.

I’m sure most of the folks there would be willing to share their lane. The couple of times I’ve asked someone, they were open to it. But many folks won’t ask, so I decided to be aware of people waiting on the side. When I do my turn, I holler at them that they can use half my lane.

Because I am proactive about this, I share a lane more than others. They’re willing, but I go beyond willing.

You can do this with your wife, and I strongly recommend it.

For example: from time to time, Lori says to me, “I need a hug”. I have become proactive, trying to be aware when she might need a hug, so I can offer before she asks. It feels even better when your spouse sees your need and offers.

What could you learn to offer your wife before she asks for it?

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Our Delilah ◄ An interesting thought.

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Minimum Power Maintenance Mode

by The Generous Husband | Aug 3, 2022 | Audio, Generosity, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I was talking with a fellow who is remarried after a less than wonderful first marriage. He said he felt a bit guilty about doing things for his new wife he would not have done for the last one. He understands why he didn’t feel like doing those things before but said he has to own his part of it regardless of how his ex made him feel.

Very insightful on his part.

I see couples who are both in what I call minimum power maintenance mode. They do the minimum to get by, never going out of their way for their spouse. Usually, you can look at the relationship and understand why neither is inspired to do anything for the other. If you could look back you would find a time when at least one of them was different and if you went back far enough, you could probably find a time when they were both different. For whatever reason, one stopped being a loving generous spouse and the other gradually did the same. Now they both feel justified in not going out of their way for the other and their marriage is doomed to many more years of the same unless one gets so frustrated they leave.

The fellow I was talking to realised his behaviour was not acceptable to God. How his wife treated him didn’t justify his actions. She made it easy to back away and it would have been difficult to keep loving and giving, but that’s what he should have done.

If your wife stopped treating you well because of a temporary problem or stress and you followed suit, you resuming loving, generous behaviour might get her to do the same. If it’s more how she is and she’s not dealt with whatever made her that way, then you changing won’t get you much. If you backed off first, she might follow your lead if you change. But being loving, kind, and generous is the right thing to do regardless of how it plays out for you.

A post worth reading:

The Art of Non-Conformity | To Stop Comparing Yourself to Others, Decide in Advance What Success Looks Like ◄ Totally works for marriage!

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Underlying Conditions, Part Two

by The Generous Husband | Jul 6, 2022 | Audio, Communication, Generosity, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, The "D" word, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday I talked about how underlying marriage conditions could make us ripe for divorce when we are hit with something a marriage should be able to survive.

Today I want to discuss some of those conditions.

Lack of communication: Working through problems requires being able to talk about them. If you haven’t developed good communication or haven’t communicated well for some time, you’re in big trouble when problems hit.
Always tired or stressed: Being tired and/or stressed makes both our bodies and our minds less able to deal with things. Be it a virus or a marriage problem, you will be more likely to succumb.
Busyness: Even if busyness doesn’t lead to tiredness or stress, it means you don’t have enough time for your marriage. That means your marriage is weak and you don’t have what you need to get through a difficult stretch.
Disconnected: This is often a result of busyness, but some couples with plenty of time to spend together don’t. Being disconnected is like already having one foot out the door.
The wrong friends: Studies find we are more likely to divorce if we have divorced friends. Beyond that, friends who will encourage you to fight for your marriage are a plus, while friends who encourage you to badmouth your wife are a detriment. I’m not telling you to ditch anyone, but I would encourage you to consider how much time you spend with various friends and how that might encourage or discourage a divorce if you had marriage problems.
You and your wife are not friends: If you enjoy being together, that’s going to help you when things are difficult. If you’re not friends, it’s easy to wonder why you should fight for your marriage.
A lack of sex: Regular sex doesn’t mean your marriage is solid, but sexual problems mean your marriage is hurting. Good sex can be a way of staying connected when things aren’t going well.
Porn: Most women see porn use as a problem even if they don’t push the issue. That means some additional problem that should be survivable becomes the straw that breaks the marriage.
Abuse: I don’t mean beating her, although that certainly makes divorce more likely. I’m talking about yelling, controlling, and trying to limit her. Sometimes when a woman claims abuse as the reason for leaving she has put up with emotional abuse for years and decides she’s had enough when some new problem is added to the mix.
Selfishness: A lot of selfishness means your wife is already wondering why she is staying in this marriage. That means it will take far less for her to bail out.

Generosity and kindness create a marriage safety net. Friendship, enjoying things together, and a mutually enjoyed sex life do the same. If you work on these things and deal with any underlying conditions, you can survive things that would end most marriages.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | I don’t know ◄ Can you freely say those three words?

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Reconsider The Things/People Balance

by The Generous Husband | May 12, 2022 | Audio, Generosity, Good Marriage, Her Needs, Links to good stuff, Series, ZIMAGE

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Another lifestyle issue is how we treat people and things. It’s correct to say we should use things and love people, but it’s also simplistic and therefore not sufficient.

How much do people matter to you? I mean people in general. Do you care about those in Ukraine? What about the hungry, poor, and homeless in your own backyard? What about those who have a different political opinion? And to be totally meddlesome, what about those who root for your team’s rival? Jesus had some very definite ideas about this and some strong words for those who don’t see people, in general, as important.

I mention these more distant people because if you only care about those who matter to you, you’re not really caring about people. As Jesus said, even sinners love those who love them. If you struggle to show your wife love when things are difficult, perhaps the issue is not your wife, but how you see people in general.

As for things, they should be tools used to help and care for others. I’m not suggesting it’s wrong to have a new car or a nice home, but those things need to be weighed with the rest of your life carefully.

A good way to measure how you feel about people is to look at how you spend your time and money. What does your metering of those resources say about you?

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Creating space for others ◄ Does your wife feel safe being herself with you?

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Enough ≠ Generosity

by The Generous Husband | Feb 24, 2021 | Generosity, Her Needs, ZIMAGE

“Enough” is a tricky concept. It’s said enough is enough, but in a marriage, I don’t think that’s true.

Enough is the bare minimum. It’s the lest you can get by with. And what does doing the bare minimum you can get away with communicate to your wife? Is that really the message you want to send? Does that seem like an expression of love?

There’s a reason this blog isn’t called “The Enough Husband”.

A Note For Email Subscribers:

A couple of years ago we stopped adding email users to the very old and no longer updated FeedBurner system. We moved to a system created by WordPress which works better and looks better. Recently we’ve had some problems with the old system, and I would suggest you move to the new one. If you’re not sure you know which system you’re on, check the image below. The top half is the newer system, the bottom is the older one.

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