Friday Flashback - The Generous Husband

FF: Applying the S-Curve Model to Strengthen Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Feb 21, 2025 | Change, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

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Whitney Johnson, a Harvard Business Review blogger, has some interesting ideas I think apply to marriage nicely. In Throw Your Life a Curve Johnson talks about the S curve model for understanding how we learn new things.

You start to do something new to improve some aspect of your marriage, or just to make your wife happier. This could be a change of habit, trying to listen better, a new approach to sex, whatever. You start at the lower left of the curve, in the yellow area of the chart above. You are unsure how it’s going to work or exactly what to do. After you struggle for a while, you get the hang of it, and you start to improve rapidly. You get positive feedback from your bride because she is seeing the rapid change; this is the green area. Finally, you have almost mastered what you’re doing, which means there’s not much room to grow or improve. Your wife may stop bragging on you; you may start doing whatever out of habit without much thought, or you may get bored with it. This is the red area.

Each phase has dangers:

YELLOW: The danger here is giving up. This is the most frustrating part of doing something new. There is little growth, plenty of failure, and little or no recognition of what you’re trying to do. The important thing here is to just keep going.
GREEN: The greatest danger here is getting a big head. Don’t let your success or her praise cause you to slack off here or in other areas. You need to add this to the other ways you meet her wants and needs. Another danger is thinking that you’re owed something (see Say no to Quid Pro Quo).
RED: One danger here is backing off just before you master whatever it is you’re doing. Another danger is slipping into autopilot, which means you won’t do as good a job. You might also get so bored you stop doing it, do it less often, or don’t keep doing it as well.

Do you see any of this in your past when you tried to improve your marriage? Do you tend to drop out in the yellow zone? Do you think too much of yourself in the green zone, or think she owes you? Do you get to the red zone and drop what you are doing to start a new curve?

[This post first appeared Nov 29, 2012.]

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FF: Decoding Her Desire: Stop Shooting Blind

by The Generous Husband | Feb 14, 2025 | Communication, Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Rethinking Sex

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Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach, figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes or no, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hoping you hit the target occasionally!

I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it didn’t work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you couldn’t stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate?

Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?

Yes, I know you’re not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.

The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a number of factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher.

Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation, which is 14 days before her next period. The week before that, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. Just before and during menstruation varies from women to woman.
Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
Stress from a long day, and ongoing stress, are also big factors.
How well she has connected with you the last 24 to 36 hours is important. Remember, her love language determines how she feels loved and connected.

There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about the 24 hours before when she says yes, and likewise when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking doesn’t help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that’s good for both of you.

[This post first appeared Nov 24, 2012.]

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Embracing the Whole Package, Quirks and All

by The Generous Husband | Feb 7, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Gratitude, Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her

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My wife puts up with me.

It’s not that I am a horrible person, but I know I can be a challenge. I see life as an adventure looking for a place to happen, and I feel obligated to make room for as much adventure as possible. In addition, I figure if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess. Case in point, last weekend I spent a good deal of time turning sixty pounds of home-grown tomatoes into 7 gallons of tomato purée. This tied up the kitchen for a good while, and I required help from Lori a couple of times.

My point here is we’re all complex people, and the “other side” of something we like in our spouse can be something we have to put up with at times. You married her because she was so outgoing, but her always wanting to go out sometimes wearies you. She married you because you had the self-control and money sense she lacked, but she gets upset when you’re “stingy”. She married you because she loved how creative you are, but it comes with a messy side that drives her crazy.

Behaviours, personality types, and other preferences have both an upside and a downside. Expecting your wife to remove the “annoying part” while maintaining the part you like is asking something impossible. The best option is to accept the parts you could do without as part of the whole. Focus on the good, and downplay the annoyances. My wife has been greatly enjoying some of the best tomato basil soup ever made. She also says she loves the adventures I get her into, at least most of them. And she is never bored… even if she might like to be on occasion.

If the annoying side is destructive, to her, you, or others, or if it just bothers you so much you can’t ignore it, ask her to tone it down some. But understand it’s part of the whole, and not easily limited.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

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FF: Why Can’t She Be The Way My Girlfriends Were?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 31, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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A comment on a recent poll read, “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”.

I suspect many men who did more than hold hands with someone before their wife have had similar thoughts. If you got more, or better, when you were single, it’s understandable to think this way. What you need to realise is this is comparing apples to orange juice.

What a woman does sexually before marriage has little or nothing to do with drive, desire, preferences, or enjoyment.

Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates. In marginally Christian or non-Christian circles, the expectation is greater. Going from dating to a serious relationship means more is expected, and if you want to get married, you better be ready to do just about anything he wants.

Try to put yourself into this reality, the reality of many young women in Western cultures:

You want companionship, love, and eventually marriage. You like guys, but you don’t have a huge sex drive, and you feel being sexual is questionable if not wrong. If you engage in sex, the guy is usually done before you really get started. At best, they get theirs, and you get nothing. Or even worse, he gets his and leaves you horny. If it were up to you, you would avoid sex at least until you were engaged. However, you find most guys expect sex, and expect more as the relationship continues. You feel your choices are offering sex you do not really want or being alone. Being alone seems a worse fate, so you engage in sex. You don’t want to be doing anything, and you don’t get much pleasure out of what you do, so it doesn’t matter much what you do or how often you do it. It all feels wrong on one level, so how can you say, “I don’t like that” or “I think that is wrong” to anything?

Gentlemen, can you grasp this? Can you understand the bad, no-good-choices situation many women experience when single? Can you understand why they say yes when they want to say no? Can you see why they say yes to things they don’t want to do? What they offer is not real; it is just them playing a part. This has two bad results: it creates men who want from their wives what their girlfriends did in sin, and it creates women who neither want nor enjoy sex. When such a man and such a woman marry, it is a given they are going to have sexual problems.

If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins. If you’ve been doing this, you need to deal with it, seek her forgiveness, and promise to change.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

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FF: Understanding Her Sexuality: A Guide to Pleasuring Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Jan 24, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal.

Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating.

What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure.
Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered.
Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her.
The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues.
Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt)
She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while others agree that for them, the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word.
If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, or has never had one, the problem could be between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help.
Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her.
Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no)
Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one.

[This post first appeared Oct 23, 2012.]

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FF: God’s Design for Her Sexual Pleasure

by The Generous Husband | Jan 17, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality

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Sex is not just for men. God intended women to enjoy it too. How can I say that? Because His design leaves no other rational conclusion. While female orgasm is not necessary for conception, the clitoris has no purpose other than pleasure. Additionally, women can have multiple orgasms, their orgasms tend to last longer than the male version, and when they have a good orgasm it is far stronger than anything a man will ever experience.

Sadly, many women are not enjoying sex, or at least they’re not enjoying it nearly as much as they could. There are several issues here: men who do not really try, men who don’t know what to do, and women who resist or limit sex. I will devote a post to each of these.

Men who don’t really try:

It is tempting to say rude things about a man who doesn’t make a real effort to give his wife as much sexual pleasure as she can handle. Certainly, some men in this category are guilty of selfishness, but there are other possibilities:

He has no idea what to do, and isn’t getting any help or feedback from his bride. (See Tuesday’s post)
His bride has shown no interest in sex. (See Wednesday’s post)
Exposure to porn has given him a greatly skewed idea of what a woman wants sexually, and how a woman should react to various sexual situations. If you keep trying what you “know”, and it doesn’t work, you eventually just give up.
He is so sexually starved he can’t see past the end of his own, ah… nose. This isn’t a valid excuse, but it’s easy to understand why it happens. If you have this problem, at the very least, you need to be all about her pleasure after you get your pleasure.
He has bought into the lie women don’t really care for sex much. This lie is still circulating in the church, with both men and women spreading it. If he thinks she is “supposed to” spread her legs and just lie there, he doesn’t even know there’s a problem.
Premarital experience has convinced him women don’t want or enjoy sex very much. Often women see sex as the price they must pay for dates, or to get a husband, and this doesn’t inspire passion or pleasure on her part.
Fear. Yup, just plain afraid of what a turned on wife would be like. I don’t know how common this is, but I’ve had a couple of guys express this concern, saying “What is she starts to want more than I do” or “What if I can’t keep up” or “What if I can’t satisfy her?” If a man sees her enjoying sex as Pandora’s Box, you can understand why he might try to avoid her enjoying sex.
Laziness. In general, women need more time and attention to get aroused and to climax. A man who got used to his own pace during years of masturbation may find her pace frustrating. If he doesn’t understand this is a normal male/female difference, he may think there’s something wrong with her, or think she doesn’t desire orgasm.

If you aren’t giving your wife all the effort needed to make sex fantastic for her, please ask yourself why. She needs and deserves to enjoy sex as much as you do. Don’t be the reason she’s not enjoying it to the fullest.

[This post first appeared Oct 22, 2012.]

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FF: The Power of Choice

by The Generous Husband | Jan 10, 2025 | Be a grownup, Change, Friday Flashback

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A full 20% of my posts carry the I_choose tag. Clearly, I see this as a big deal.

Choosing is powerful, and wise use of choice can make your life much better. Some thoughts on choice:

We usually have more choices than we think. For a variety of reasons, we tend to get tunnel vision, seeing only two choices when we have many, or only a few of the many we actually have.
We are often offered less than all the choices. People try to control and manipulate us by offering a limited set of choices; don’t fall for this!
Life is full of false dichotomies. Learning to question two answer choices is one of the smartest things you can do.
Wrong assumptions limit our choices. What we assume can cause us to think a choice is not available, or will be rejected.
Not choosing is actually making a choice, especially if you know what will happen if you don’t choose, or if by not choosing you leave the choice up to someone else. In other words, abdication is a choice, but a very poor one.
Doing nothing is a choice, and sometimes it is a very good choice.
Rushing to choose when choosing right now isn’t necessary often results in poor choices. Taking time to think/pray/sleep on it is always wise. If it is a major decision, seeking the wisdom of others is also a good idea.
What was a great choice in the past can be a poor or bad choice now. Re-examine your choices regularly.
Pride can keep us from changing once we choose. Being able to say “I was wrong” and changing direction is a sign of maturity and self-confidence.
Some choices are beyond our ability, we can’t choose something that requires others to act unless they’re willing to do what we want.
Our choices have profound effects on others, especially those closest to us. What you choose can help or hurt your wife, and can open and close doors for her.

The bottom line is, choice is a very powerful tool for good or harm. Choose often, and choose well.

[This post first appeared Oct 17, 2012.]

FF: Strengthening Your Marriage: Year-End Review & Vision for 2025

by The Generous Husband | Dec 27, 2024 | Communication, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly

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Christmas has passed, so we will now be swamped with “Year in Review” stories.

Why don’t you do a year in review with your wife? Take some time to discuss both the good and the bad of 2024. Discuss how you can repeat the good, and avoid repeating the bad. If there is bad you can’t avoid, talk about the best ways to deal with it. In short, devise an informed plan to make 2025 better than 2024.

Then make this a monthly habit. Set a hard date on the calendar. If you can, do it at a local coffee shop. It need not be a long appointment.

[This post first appeared Dec 27, 2012.]

Year-end giving is lagging this year. As of yesterday we were at 46%. Can you help us?

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