DoLessin2024 - The Generous Husband

FF: Learn To Say No To Time Thieves

by The Generous Husband | Feb 23, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Margin, Money, ZIMAGE

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Did you read my post, about budgeting your time, and think “might work for you, but you don’t understand my life!”?

I get it, really, I do. I know when you have kids, things come up. I know friends, in-laws, your boss, and so many others drop things on you and expect you to spend some of your limited time doing something for or with them.

Maybe you need to learn to say no more often.

If you’re asked to spend time on something you don’t think is important, and it robs you of time you would devote to what you think is important, then no is the right answer. And it’s the right answer, even if it offends someone. Whom you offend and how much you offend them is a consideration, but letting others decide how you spend your time is like letting others decide how you spend your money!

If a certain friend or group of friends demands more time than you think you should give, perhaps they’re not such great friends. Are they worth the cost? Is what you get from them worth as much as what you would get from spending the time in another way? The same applies to extended family; being related to you doesn’t grant people permission to tell you how to spend your money or your time.

You can’t usually say no to your boss, but you can look for another job. If your job is keeping you from having a life, or keeping your wife and/or kids from having you with them, maybe you need to rethink the job. Possibly, you also need to rethink how much you have so you can work less and have more time for life.

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[This post first appeared Aug 01, 2012.]

FF: Budgeting Your Most Valuable Asset: Time

by The Generous Husband | Feb 16, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Her Needs, Margin, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs

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You can’t “spend” the same time twice; when you use it for something, you can’t do anything else with it. This is obvious, but we live in a culture that seems to be in denial about this simple fact. If we listed all the things we want to get done in a week, and how long it would take to do all those things, many would find the total greatly exceeds the number of waking hours in a week. Some try to fix this by sleeping less, which is harmful in a great many ways.

I used to run too busy most of the time. I had good reasons for this: ran my own business, raising a family, things to do at church, ministry on the side, and on and on. Gradually, I realised what I was doing wasn’t sane, and certainly wasn’t the best thing for the people I love most. I began to budget my time, much as one budgets money. Amounts of time are locked in for one thing. My sleep time is one of these; I get enough sleep to be healthy and functional, and exceptions to this are rare and for very good reasons. My time with my wife is another block I guard closely and only rarely violate. Certain meetings and activities are also protected; some of these are work or ministry related, but some are recreational.

I’m still busy, but my busyness is during parts of the day devoted to that. I sometimes work like crazy till the end of my “work day”, then I stop and kick back. Initially it was difficult to do this; I wanted to keep going, to finish something, to reach a certain point. And this is especially tempting since I work from home! However, doing that meant not doing other things, things I believe are important. This has become easier with time, and I see the benefits of living this way. I’m more relaxed, I feel better, and when I am working hard, I’m more productive.

There are times when I break my rules, but only with thought and discussion with my wife. I just finished a major project for the day job. There were deadlines, and then I had unforeseen problems. I was forced to take time from a couple of places, including part of what I normally give Lori. However, I was very aware I was doing this, and I was motivated to get past the need to do it. If I found I had to do this kind of thing regularly, I would know something was wrong, and it would be time to re-examine my time budget.

Try a time budget. Make blocks of time, and do only what you have scheduled for each block. No matter what is left to be done, when time it up, move on. Be sure to include time for sleep, for relaxation, and time with your wife.

[This post first appeared July 31, 2012.]

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Busyness is a Choice: Evaluating Our Priorities Against Christ’s

by The Generous Husband | Jan 25, 2024 | Audio, DoLessin2024, ZIMAGE

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There was an interesting comment on my post entitled If Your Wife is Too Busy, Expect Less from Her. The point is summarised in one sentence:

Being busy has very little to do with how much there is to do every day. It has everything to do with what is important to us.

Being busy is a choice, and unless we fight it, it’s a choice our society makes for us. And honestly, I find it to be an unbiblical choice!

Was Jesus busy? The knee-jerk reaction is to say yes, but think about how many times He went off alone to pray. Think about when He was told folks were looking for Him, and He didn’t rush to them.

Jesus had a lot of time when He was with just His closest disciples. This was intentional, and important. That extended time with them made them into the men who would change the world by spreading the word. And their testimony was believable because they knew Jesus so well.

What matters in this world is people. Our relationships are where we touch people for God. It’s where we make a difference. If we’re too busy to spend time with those who God puts in our lives, then we’re too busy. I’d go so far as to say we are sinfully busy. Busyness is an idol today, and many who follow Jesus are worshipping at it.

Sure, we all have busy seasons, and often that can’t be avoided. But a season and a lifestyle are not the same thing.

Bottom Line: To a great extent, how busy you are is your choice. How do you think God would have you choose?

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How Does Your Commute Affect Your Marriage?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 16, 2024 | Audio, DoLessin2024, ZIMAGE

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How is your commute affecting your marriage?

A study in Spain found that commuting to work in your own car is associated with poorer mental health. And the more time and money you spend doing it, the worse you rate on things like sleep loss, stress, and being unhappy or depressed. I suspect the aim of this study was to move folks to public transportation, which was, unsurprisingly, found to be less harmful. But the study looks to be well done, so the results are still valid, and all of those negative things are bad for you and your marriage.

A grad student in Sweden put a finer point on it, finding that those with longer commutes had a 40% greater chance of divorce. The author of the dissertation pointed out people do long commutes to improve their income. In the States, we also do it to live in a more desirable place. While these are good things that could benefit a marriage, we need to also look at the possible downsides.

This very much fits with my Do Less in 2024 theme. It also shows the difficult decisions that come with trying to do that. Reducing your commute may well mean reducing your income. That would require changes to your lifestyle. The real question is this: Would more time with your wife and kids and less stress and being happier offset the loss of income? If you accept society’s “wisdom” about success and money, the answer is no. If you look to the wisdom of the Bible, it might be a solid yes.

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If Your Wife is Too Busy, Expect Less from Her

by The Generous Husband | Jan 9, 2024 | Audio, DoLessin2024, Her Needs, Marriage Killer, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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If your wife is too busy, your only loving choice is to expect less from her.

Of course, you should get more and better than others, but too busy is going to impact every area of her life, including her marriage. And her sex life. Expecting from her what would be reasonable if she were doing half as much is unkind and selfish.

If you’re not happy with what you should expect given how busy she is, then it’s time to find ways to help her be less busy. That could look like you doing some of what she is doing. And while that is appropriate, unless you have a lot of time on your hands, it’s not a long term solution. For most of you, the only real fix is both you and your wife having less busy lives.

If your lives are too full, many things will get short-changed. And right or wrong, your marriage and sex will be on that list.

99.9%! As I was making sure I had thanked everyone who donated, I found some I had not thanked, and had not added to the total. With all of that fixed, we are $10.00 short of our goal. So I’m going to call that a success, and say a huge thank you to all of you.

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Husbands, Lead the Way in Slowing Down Your Busy Lives

by The Generous Husband | Jan 4, 2024 | Audio, Big Deal Post, Do It For Her, DoLessin2024, Headship/Submission, Marriage Killer, ZIMAGE

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I want to follow up on what I said about being too busy endangering our marriages, our happiness, and our very lives. I want to suggest this is a headship issue.

I don’t talk a lot about headship because it’s a hot button issue, and because I know some of you are egalitarian. If you’re the latter group, please look at this the way you would anything else that could make your wife miserable, kill her, or end your marriage.

Part of the issue here is the pressure society puts on women. They are held to an impossible standard, and given very little grace when they fail. A woman who sets a sane pace will be called unkind things by others. Your support can help her make the right choice, and protect her from those who don’t like her doing that.

Even if you expect a fight, you need to talk about this with your wife. Do it for her, for you, for your kids, and for your marriage. Do it because it’s the right thing to do.

BTW, I’d strongly suggest this is a place where you need to lead by example before you say words!

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Do Less in 2024: Busyness is Ruining Our Health, Happiness, and Marriages

by The Generous Husband | Jan 1, 2024 | Big Deal Post, DoLessin2024, Marriage Killer

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I’ve added a new category – Do Less in 2024, and it will be an ongoing theme for this year.

More and more I am seeing how our insane busyness is a massive problem. It hurts virtually all of us, both directly and indirectly. Our busyness means we don’t have time for what matters. It also makes us grumpy, or worse. Our wives and kids get cheated because of our busyness. And we get cheated because of their busyness.

I see how busyness is making our society angry, selfish, and unaware. We do rude things, and don’t even see, much less take, opportunities to help and bless others. As for marriages, I strongly suspect busyness is a primary cause of most divorces, and it’s certainly why most of us are having less sex than we want.

We can change, but it’s not easy. It’s countercultural, and folks won’t understand. However, if we become less busy we will be happier, and healthier, and we will live longer. Seems worth the effort to me!

Year-end giving:

I’ll give a total when we add last minute online donations and what come in by mail over the next week. As of Saturday afternoon.

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