Comments - The Generous Husband

Friday Flashback: Arguments – Skip The Martyr Routine

by The Generous Husband | Nov 16, 2018 | Comments, Friday Flashback, ZIMAGE

I am most fortunate that my wife has never been into playing the martyr. I would say I nudged on it a bit many, many years ago, but I saw it as counter-productive and never really went down that road.

That said, I had several “opportunities” to view marriages where one is forever playing the martyr card. “Woe is me, I always do what you want, I always give in, I always lose”. I’ve seen martyrs go out of their way to be inconvenienced, or to end up doing far more than their fair share.

I don’t see this tactic as overly successful. Those who are not close enough to know it happens all the time are often moved, but I’ve never seen it work on a spouse. If anything, the spouse gets tired of it and just refuses to engage when the martyr routine is used.

My guess is folks play the martyr not to win, but for some other reason. Sometimes it seems clear the effort is to garner sympathy from others. It’s “look how rude, negligent or horrible my wife/husband is – don’t you feel sorry for me?” Other times I think it’s because the person playing the martyr has significant self-image issues. They don’t want to be walked all over, but on some level, they think they deserve to be walked all over.

If you play the martyr, ask yourself first if it ever works. Then ask yourself why you do it. Figure out why, deal with that, and then find a better way of dealing with situations than invoking martyr mode.

If your wife is the one doing the martyr bit, deal with it straight on. Ask her why she does it, and point out that it doesn’t work out well for her. Ask her why she does it, and what she wants. Ask if she feels you take advantage of her, or if she feels that you don’t appreciate or respect her. Odds are she has been playing the martyr since before you met her, so it’s not likely that things will change easily or quickly – but stick with it, change can and does happen.

[This post first appeared July 30, 2010.]

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That’s Not How God is With Me

by The Generous Husband | Aug 16, 2015 | Comments, Good Marriage, Her Needs, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

Every so often some fellow shows up to set me straight in the comments*. Or maybe he comes around to caution those who read me.

He warns how following my advice will result in you being a doormat and not getting any sex. What’s left of your testicles will be kept in a jar held by your wife. These things will happen, he explains, because women are inherently sinful and selfish. (Apparently, this is a female condition, not a human condition.) Then he tells us how a real man keeps his wife in line.

If God treated me the way these guys suggest treating a wife I wouldn’t feel loving toward Him. I might follow His rules to avoid eternity in hell, but I might also conclude eternity with Him would be hell.

We’re told we love God because He first loved us. Jesus didn’t come to whip us into shape, He came to woo us into a lifelong, eternity long, love affair with Him. Yes, He had harsh words for the religious folks who had missed the truth of God’s love, but for the lost and hurt He had only love.

Why would I treat my wife in a way I wouldn’t want to be treated? Beyond the golden rule, the Bible tells me my relationship with my wife is to be an example of God’s relationship with us.

As to my advice, I’ve been living most of it for a very long time, and my marriage is awesome. It’s getting better all the time, and I’m having all the great sex I want.

It turns out women respond well to love. They like being heard, and they like being told they’re beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful. Sure, they’re sinful and selfish, but love and kindness are far more effective against these things than control, manipulation, or anger.

By the way, a post I wrote two years ago is a good fit with this. Check out Was the Proverbs 31 Woman Disobedient?

*Some of these comments are “bozoed” by the system and never seen. Others are removed due to users flagging them. Occasionally I remove one, but usually one of the other things happens before I even see it. This means you are spared most of these rants.

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Current TMB Survey:

Masturbation in Marriage Is it okay? Do you? If so, why?

Great tweet of the week:

Sex is about timing. The world says: any time, any place. God says: my time, my place. D.A. Carson @darrinpatrick

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart

Your Dying Spouse 41 – A Life In Ordinary Time ◄ Get to know Andrew a bit bettre.
Your Dying Spouse 42 – Stages of Grief: Bargaining ◄ “…when we bargain, we recognize that there’s something in our life that shouldn’t be there…” So ture!
Your Dying Spouse 43 – Learning To Let Go ◄ A difficult process done more than once.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Complaining is Good for Your Marriage ◄ I’ll get right on that.

The Generous Wife

In a Rut ◄ Time for a rut check.
Be Stubborn ◄ Your marriage needs it.

Intimacy in Marriage

Are Society’s Standards Destroying Sex in Your Marriage? ◄ I wanted to do this topic, but Lori Lowe beat me to it – and did a great job.

One Flesh Marriage

5 Things Marriage Has Taught Me About Myself ◄ Marriage teaches us a lot about ourselves, if we pay attention.

The Romantic Vineyard

Considering This Question Could Change Your Marriage–What Identifies You? ◄ This is an important and defining question.

Is What’s On the Other Side Important Enough?

by The Generous Husband | Aug 3, 2015 | Comments, Communication

I got an email from one of you on a recent post. It said:

“What, opened end questions? Always the minefield with wife.“

I’m sure a number of you feel his pain.

My reply to him was:

“I guess it depends on how much you want what’s on the other side of the minefield.“

This is true for all marital minefields, regardless of how and why they are constructed. Sometimes what we want is easy to get, but other times it’s difficult and costly. If it costs too much, avoiding it might be a good plan. If you really want what’s on the other side, you have go for it.

I say “avoiding it might be a good plan” because the other factor is doing what’s right regardless of the cost.

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Angry Husbands

by The Generous Husband | Sep 10, 2014 | Be a grownup, Comments, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly

I’m seeing more comments from “angry husbands”. I’m well aware those who comment are not representative of the average reader, and I know those with an axe to grind are far more likely to comment. Still, it’s an issue worth addressing.

A few thoughts about anger:

Being angry doesn’t mean you’re right. Neither does it mean you’re wrong.
Anger is natural and to some degree unavoidable. However, we can (and should) learn to control our anger.
Letting anger run wild may feel good, but it makes things worse, not better.
Angry people are seen as unreasonable and unreachable. If you want to drive people away and prevent positive changes, anger is your play.
Being angry is bad for our health. Angry people die younger and enjoy life less along the way.
Anger blinds us to things that might help us facilitate change.

I’m not saying anyone’s anger is wrong, nor am I suggesting anyone lacks a valid reason to be angry. What I’m saying is anger does more harm than good in marriages. Regardless of why a husband or wife is angry, the anger will become a problem if allowed to become a permanent resident. Ongoing anger and a good marriage are mutually exclusive; if you want the latter you must deal with the former.

A few relevant passages on which to meditate:

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. [Pro 14:29 ESV]
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. [Pro 15:18 ESV]
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger… [Gal 5:19&20a ESV]
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. [Eph 4:31 ESV]
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. [Jam 1:19-20 ESV]

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5 Marriage Coaching Questions

by The Generous Husband | Aug 13, 2014 | Comments, Her Needs, Marriage Coaching, Your Needs

If I were doing marriage coaching* with you, I would start with five questions.

What is good about your marriage?

It is easy to be so focused on the bad we fail to see the good. This is a dangerous place to be. Please realise not seeing good doesn’t mean there’s no good. Being able to see the good, even if it’s small and infrequent, is an important skill to learn.

What is bad about/wrong with your marriage?

Being able to state this clearly is important.

What do you think your wife needs to change/do differently?

This one isn’t as easy as it seems. Can you intelligently communicate what you think she should change to another person without seeming petty, selfish, or controlling?

What do you think you need to change/do differently?

If you can’t come up with a list for this one you are:

A narcissist. If this is the case, I can do nothing to help you.
Unwilling to be open and honest. I get that. Hopefully, it changes as we get to know one another and built trust.
Unwilling to be honest with yourself. If we admit we’re wrong we must either work on it or admit we’re unwilling to change

In my experience, most men have no problem with this one.

What would your wife say she wants you to change/do differently?

This is not about agreeing with her, it’s about showing you have heard what she says. If you communicate most of what she says she wants you to change, it shows you’re listening. Likewise, if she can relate what you think she should change. If either of these is lacking, fixing that is a high priority.

*Marriage coaching is about helping a couple have the marriage they want. Often a big part of the process is the couple coming to have a joint goal.

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What was a Problem?

by The Generous Husband | Dec 26, 2013 | Change, Comments

What didn’t go right the last few days? What frustrated you? What frustrated her?

While it’s still fresh in your minds, talk about how things went this Christmas. Talk about what you enjoyed, what you would like to do again, and what you hope never happens again. Talk about what was more work than it was worth, and ways to make things more efficient.

Make notes as you talk, and save them where you can find them again (hard copy or computer file, whatever works best for you). Put a reminder on your calendar to check the list mid-November of next year. Then have an even better Christmas next year!

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What Do Our Possessions Say About Us?

by The Generous Husband | Jun 2, 2013 | Comments, Good Marriage, Margin, Money

What do the things we own say about us? Better yet, what do we think the things we own say about us to others?

Does what we have make us feel successful? If we have “a lot” do we think this is a sign God is favouring us? Does how much we own show we are better than those who own less, but not as good as those who own more?

While we all know on some level these things are not true, most of us also feel them on some level. It’s how the world “keeps score” and we are swayed by it. The real danger comes from what we fail to do if we try to be a success by the world’s standards. Grabbing all things is always done at the expense of spouse and children. It also results in short changing God and what He has called us to.

One thing our possessions say about us is where our heart lies. I’m not saying it is wrong to have things, or wrong to have nice things, or even wrong to have many things. The issue is what, and who, our things cost us. If this is not a discussion you and your wife have had recently, I suggest it would be a very good discussion to have.

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” [Lk 12:34 ESV]

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Great tweet of the week:

Perhaps marriage isn’t just about finding the right spouse; it’s about becoming the right spouse. @sheilagregoire

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:

Scott of Journey to Surrender posted Reclaiming the Marriage Culture ◄ It will take a grassroots movement – are you in?

Assume Love

Be Happy? ◄ Odds are a divorce will NOT make you happier.

Do Not Disturb

Don’t Just Be There, Be Their… ◄ Cute, with great points.

The Generous Wife

Preferential Treatment ◄ What do you do because you know who she is?

Joe Beam’s Blog

Commitment in Romantic Love ◄ Joe talks about bedrock.

Marriage Gems

Is Your Family Choosing Money Over Time? ◄ This is an excellent post, and it fits perfectly with my rant above.

Marriage Life

That Same Old Fight ◄ Stuck? Check this.

Romantic Marriage

Nobody Has a Perfect Marriage ◄ But your marriage can be ever improving.

The Romantic Vineyard

The Advantage of Vantage Points ◄ Your spouse’s different vantage point means they see things differently, not wrongly.

Safe at home

Bold Love: Laying Aside The Past Wrongs in Your Marriage ◄ Go bold, or forget about it.

…to Love Honor and Vacuum

What is Intimacy? ◄ A great guest post on his and her thoughts about intimacy.

Infective vs Effective Escalation Curves

by The Generous Husband | Feb 11, 2013 | Change, Comments, Communication, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly

I see couples deal with frustrations and problems in their marriage in ways that fail to bring about change. At some point, after month or years, they reach their limit and blow up, shut down, or leave.

If we plot this approach, we get something like the infective escalation curve below:

The level of confrontation, or voicing of the problem, has some ups and downs, but for months or years it remains about the same. This would be an on-going grumbling with a more pointed complaint every few weeks or months. Some of the ups and downs happen because of hints there might be a chance, or minor improvements. Some of the peaks are the result of built-up of frustration. While there is some on-going effort to deal with the issue, the reality is the person who does not like the situation is basically putting up with it. Then, when they reach their limit, they escalate dramatically in a short time.

If you’re on the receiving end of an infective escalation curve, you probably do ‘t see the issue as serious. Sure, your spouse says it is a problem, but they keep putting up with it. They gripe and nag, but that’s about it. When they suddenly go ballistic, the tendency is to think, “What triggered that?” There is no clear trigger, and the easy assumption is something has changed in them. The sudden escalation doesn’t make sense. Given months or years of begrudging acceptance, the escalation is easily tagged as irrational, which excuses the spouse from feeling they need to do anything about the issue.

Below is a different approach, an effective escalation curve:

First notice the time scale here is much shorter;no allowing the situation to go on and on without real confrontation. Initially the confrontation is small. Maybe there is a short-lived improvement, maybe not. When it becomes clear the other person is not taking the issue seriously enough, there’s an increase in frequency and forcefulness of voicing the problem. Time is given to see if this will result in change. If there’s no change, or not enough change, steady escalation follows.

An effective escalation curve sends a much clearer message. Reasonable amounts of time are offered for change, but when no change occurs the issue is pressed. The person on the receiving end can’t miss the fact their spouse is upset about the situation, nor is there any reason to think they’re going to put up with it. The message is clear – this is unacceptable to me, and I’m going to push for it to be resolved.

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