I realise this is kind of obvious, but the reality is most men hurt their wives from time to time despite knowing this truth.
So why do we do it? Why do we keep doing something we know is hurting her?
It might be a lack of self-control. In our anger, fear, or pain, we do or say something that makes us feel better, even though we know it’s hurting her and thus harming our marriage.
In truth, it’s rarely about self-control. If we don’t act that way with other people, then we have the ability to control ourselves. We do it with our wife, and maybe our kids, because we choose to do it. We like the way it makes us feel. Or we use it to avoid a discussion we don’t want to have. We do it to manipulate or control.
Of course none of this is wise, loving, or acceptable to God. And we know that, even as we justify it to ourselves.
When did you last hurt your wife because you chose to not control yourself? How did that work out? Was it a good thing to do?
So, Valentine’s is Wednesday. What are you doing to show your love for your wife?
Yes, it’s become way over-commercialised. Yes, it’s just another day. And yet, unless your wife is very unusual, she would like you to do SOMETHING to express your love on a day dedicated to expressing romantic love. Not doing that is playing Russian Roulette with five bullets!
For some of you, something small will do it. A card, a flower, or a box of chocolates. Some wives would really like a nice date. Given the day falls on Wednesday this year, you can easily go for the weekend after. A handwritten love letter is always a good choice. And coupons promising to do various things she enjoys is good too.
Recently, in the comments, someone asked me about my motivation to make changes that lead to improving my marriage. That’s an interesting story…
I grew up with parents who loved each other, didn’t fight, stayed together, and had a better than average marriage. However, it wasn’t a great marriage. Honestly, I can’t say I ever saw a great marriage growing up, but I was convinced there was something far better than I had ever seen. I didn’t believe it, I knew it. I knew it beyond any doubt, and I was determined to do whatever it took to have that kind of marriage. I married a lady who didn’t share my confidence in what could be, but did share my drive to do everything possible to make it as good as possible. It wasn’t easy, but it was certainly worth it! Today we have a fantastic marriage, and it just keeps getting better.
Why was I so sure a couple could have an awesome marriage when I’d never seen it? I can only blame God; I think He put it in my heart. When and how it happened I can’t say, but I certainly knew it by the age of eighteen. As for why God put it in my heart, I think it was about more than Lori and I having a good marriage. It’s no small part of why I do what I do here and in other places around the Interweb.
My encouragement to you is this: when it comes to marriage, there’s more than you’ve seen, and more than you’ve been told. It’s not easy, but you can have an incredible marriage, and it’s well worth the effort. I pray the Lord will put the truth deep in your heart and give you the faith to seek it. In the Old Testament, the Lord likens His relationship with His chosen people to that of husband and wife. Jesus calls the Church His bride. Paul also speaks of marriage as an earthy example of what we will have with God. I realise all analogies eventually fail, but surely, God intended human marriages to be a far better example of what we have with Him than most of what we see today.
Our survey on Why Men and Women Say No to Sex showed that 11% of men say no because of premature ejaculation, and another 11% say no due to erectile difficulty. There is probably some overlap, but basically one man in five is not having or is limiting sex due to these problems. That saddens me a great deal.
I’ve studied these issues for three decades. I know both issues present challenges, but I also know that neither has to keep a couple from having a mutually satisfying sex life. Today I will discuss erection difficulties, and next week climaxing too fast. Even if you’ve never had trouble with erections, I urge you to skim what follows so you’ll know if it ever is an issue.
Erectile Difficulty, aka Importance, aka “Why are you doing this, mini me?!”
She says yes, but your penis says no; major bummer, major embarrassment. Some guys would rather go without than risk not rising to the occasion. Many turn to masturbation instead, leaving their wife confused and hurting. PLEASE don’t just drop out of your sex life; there are solutions. First, let’s look at why this happens:
Temporary: Drugs and alcohol can impair your ability to get hard. Stress and tiredness can do the same. Emotional issues can also do this, especially relationship issues. If the issue happens suddenly, one of these is likely the cause. If you don’t tell your lady why you think it’s happening, she will probably blame herself. BTW, if she’s hot and bothered, at the very least offer to take care of her by hand or mouth. And see below for having an orgasm without an erection.
Medical issues: These generally happen gradually, although you may miss the early signs. Your erections become weaker and weaker until you’re not firm enough to penetrate, or can’t stay hard long enough to finish intercourse. Most of the medical causes of ED arethings that can kill you, and loss of erections may be the only warning sign you get. The message here is, if your loss of erections can’t be tied to anything listed above or below, take it as a loud warning buzzer telling you to see a doctor before you make your wife a widow. If I’m scaring you, good; this is serious.
Testosterone: This is the first thing most men think, or hear from a friend, but it is really not a common issue. Unless your T levels are very low, they’re not going to affect your erections. Low T levels will usually end your desire for sex before they end your erections, so if you want it and can’t get hard enough, it’s probably not testosterone. Regardless, checking this is part of what a doctor is going to look at after excluding things that will kill you.
Age: Recent studies say impotence is not an inevitable part of ageing. It’s more about erection killing conditions becoming more common with age. That said, age does change how our body reacts sexually, and some men misunderstand these changes and what they mean. When we were young, just the thought of sex meant an immediate, full erection that was going to be with us until we had completed the sex act. With age, this all changes. We don’t get erect as fast, don’t reach full erection as quickly, and may not get to what we once knew as 100%. It takes more than a “yes” or a bit of nudity to get us hard, and most men will eventually need manual stimulation of the penis to become firm enough for intercourse. Additionally, erections tend to wax and wane far more as we age. You might get erect early on, and then lose most or all of your erection during foreplay. Or you might get hard and go soft several times during foreplay. None of this is a problem; it is just the new normal.
Obesity: Being overweight wilts erections. That could mean less hard, or not hard at all. Being obese about doubles your odds of impotence, and BMI predicts ED more accurately than age. Losing weight will help. Getting more exercise will help even without weight loss.
Porn: There are a growing number of reports of men who can only get an erection when they use porn. Prior to the Internet, most men couldn’t get enough porn to have this problem, but now there’s an unlimited amount of porn of every kind. The brain just can’t cope with this, and after a while, it becomes difficult to get an erection without some new porn image. The solution to this is to go cold turkey – no more porn, period. It takes 30 to 60 days for the brain to reset and have erections apart from porn. On the other hand, porn may be masking another issue. The arousal factor of porn may get you hard where other things can’t. This is generally a short term “fix”. As the condition gets worse, even porn won’t make your penis stand at attention.
What you can do about it
Viagra® and other such drugs can help most men. If you do go with pills, you may be able to cut your cost by getting the higher dosage and cutting the pills in half (you can get a splitter on-line made to cut the oddly shaped pills). You can also save a great deal by getting generic versions from Amazon Pharmacy. Note: Viagra® requires time to work, and only lasts a short time. Cialis® is good for up to 36 hours, so you can have sex when you like.
If you can get an erection but then lose it, or get only a partial erection, a penis ring may be all you need. Do NOT use a ring of any kind for more than half an hour.
You can have intercourse without an erection by using a support rod system such as The Elator, which stretches the penis and leaves the head exposed. It looks odd, but I’ve talked to men who used it and found it was a great solution.
A vacuum pump will give any man who with a pulse an erection – as long as the pump chamber remains in place. If you use a pump to get an erection, a constriction ring will keep your penis erect. This results in an erection from the body out, whereas a normal erection is the entire penis, including the half that’s inside the body. Without the root being erect, the penis will pivot where it joins the body. Some men find this a problem, many do not.
Sex without an erection is an option. You can pleasure her in a number of ways, and she can bring you to orgasm without an erection. Oral sex is particularly good, but with practice, she can learn to bring you to climax with her hands as well. A powerful vibrator will also work, or get a vibe that wraps around the head of the penis.
Pseudocourse is a near intercourse act which can be done with a partial erection. You lie on your back, legs together; she mounts you as if you were going to have intercourse with her on top. Your penis is against your body, pointing towards your chin, so that the underside is exposed. She positions herself so your penis comes into contact with her vulva, between her outer lips. She then either pushes against you (as if thrusting), or slides up and down the length of your penis. With her clitoris rubbing against the most sensitive part of your penis, you can both reach climax. Changing the point of contact and the amount of movement will change the intensity of the stimulation for each of you, making it possible to orgasm at about the same time. Pseudocourse is more than just physically enjoyable; it can provide the emotional contact which many find missing in manual or oral sex.
The bottom line is to not let embarrassment and fear rob you, and your wife, of a great sex life. I’ve spoken to a couple of men who said they had better sex after they become impotent because it forced them to really talk about sex and think about what they could do. Even if you’re willing to forego sex, you owe it to your wife to find a way to make it happen. Erection difficulties change sex, but it only ends your sex life if you choose for that to happen.
I have a confession. I expect far too much of others. I don’t do this to my wife, and usually not to my friends, but my standards for everyone else are unfairly high. And when they fail to meet those unrealistic expectations, I silently judge them.
As I have been thinking and praying on this, I have come to suspect a big part of the problem is I think too highly of myself. I generally set a higher standard for myself than I do for others, but I suspect I’m not a fair judge of how well I meet my standards. Beyond that, I give myself grace based on my past and other things, but I don’t extend similar grace to strangers.
Doing this to strangers is wrong. Doing it to friends is a problem. Doing it to your wife is a disaster.
My wife gets a pass on this for three reasons. First, I know her history, and I give her grace based on that. Second, I chose to give her grace in general. Third, I have to live with her, and judging her the way I judge strangers would make that difficult!
I’m not saying I never question or confront my wife. I do. But I try to think and pray before I do that, and then I make a concerted effort to approach her in a soft, loving way.
I’ll be working on doing better with strangers. Or at least giving them grace in my mind. Do you need to do the same? Do you need to start with your wife?
I want to follow up on what I said about being too busy endangering our marriages, our happiness, and our very lives. I want to suggest this is a headship issue.
I don’t talk a lot about headship because it’s a hot button issue, and because I know some of you are egalitarian. If you’re the latter group, please look at this the way you would anything else that could make your wife miserable, kill her, or end your marriage.
Part of the issue here is the pressure society puts on women. They are held to an impossible standard, and given very little grace when they fail. A woman who sets a sane pace will be called unkind things by others. Your support can help her make the right choice, and protect her from those who don’t like her doing that.
Even if you expect a fight, you need to talk about this with your wife. Do it for her, for you, for your kids, and for your marriage. Do it because it’s the right thing to do.
BTW, I’d strongly suggest this is a place where you need to lead by example before you say words!
Yesterday I said being too busy was a big marriage killer. Today, another one: defensiveness.
I’ve been guilty of this most of my marriage, and I can see how it’s hurt my wife. I still feel it inside on occasion, but most of the time I am able to keep it under control or rein it in before it gets bad.
For me, being defensive is a knee-jerk reaction from my childhood. My mother was demanding, and I often felt accused in some way. I know now there were better ways of handling it, but back then it was a way to protect myself. Today, it’s a habit that’s not doing me any favours.
My wife is reasonable. She doesn’t attack me, so being defensive is neither necessary nor helpful. And when she questions me, she has what seems like a good reason to do that. So either she misunderstands, or I need to think about my words and actions.
Even if your wife does edge on attacking you on occasion, defensiveness is not the answer. Yes, you should address the issue and correct as needed. But defensiveness is argumentative. It is generally rejected because it’s argumentative, and it brings about fights and hard feelings.
Because it’s such a reflex reaction, this marriage harming act is difficult to change. But if you work at it, you can beat it.
I’ve added a new category – Do Less in 2024, and it will be an ongoing theme for this year.
More and more I am seeing how our insane busyness is a massive problem. It hurts virtually all of us, both directly and indirectly. Our busyness means we don’t have time for what matters. It also makes us grumpy, or worse. Our wives and kids get cheated because of our busyness. And we get cheated because of their busyness.
I see how busyness is making our society angry, selfish, and unaware. We do rude things, and don’t even see, much less take, opportunities to help and bless others. As for marriages, I strongly suspect busyness is a primary cause of most divorces, and it’s certainly why most of us are having less sex than we want.
We can change, but it’s not easy. It’s countercultural, and folks won’t understand. However, if we become less busy we will be happier, and healthier, and we will live longer. Seems worth the effort to me!
Year-end giving:
I’ll give a total when we add last minute online donations and what come in by mail over the next week. As of Saturday afternoon.
You can have intercourse without an erection by using a support rod system such as 
Sex without an erection is an option. You can pleasure her in a number of ways, and she can bring you to orgasm without an erection. Oral sex is particularly good, but with practice, she can learn to bring you to climax with her hands as well. A powerful vibrator will also work, or 
