Beyond the Marriage - The Generous Husband

Unsung Heroes In Action

by The Generous Husband | Dec 17, 2024 | Beyond the Marriage

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I talk a lot about serving others. Today I want to share about some folks who are doing that in very real, practical ways. The names have been changed.

Mary, an elderly woman, can no longer drive. For several years, Joe has picked her up at her home, driven her to church, and helped her from the car to her seat and back again. Lori and I assumed Joe was related to Mary. But he’s not. He saw a need, and moved to fill it.

Sally ran a coffee shop in Deer Park. One day, when I was at Costco in Spokane, I saw her pull up in a big van. Several of her customers who don’t drive got out. There is no public transportation from Deer Park to Spokane, so Sally was providing that for folks she knew needed it.

I know others who take an elderly person shopping, or go shopping for them. It’s not glamorous, and most of the time no one even knows they’re doing it. But they’re very much obeying Jesus’ command to help the least of these.

During this season of giving, think about how you could help someone. And then keep doing it all of next year.

TEN DOLLAR TUESDAY: Speaking of giving, our Year End Donation Drive is ongoing. Today is ten dollar Tuesday. If everyone reading gave ten dollars, we’d blow our goal out of the water.

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When Ageing Parents Test Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Nov 26, 2024 | Beyond the Marriage, Marriage Killer

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Let’s talk about ageing parents. This is a common marriage problem for middle age couples, and it seems to be getting worse.

There are plenty of potential struggles. It could be mom’s memory, or that dad should no longer be driving. It might be health issues, or a parent who can no longer live alone but still wants to. Some parents fight help they need, while others expect their kids to give up their lives to be there for every little thing.

If you and your wife are in agreement, and both work to do what you think is right, it will be difficult. But it’s not going to derail your marriage. However, real problems can arise when you and your wife don’t agree about what is needed, or how much you should be doing.

We are told to honour our parents, and I certainly think helping them as they age is a part of that. But there must be boundaries. Expecting you to regularly drive across the state, or fly across the country, is unacceptable. We told Lori’s mom we would gladly care for her, if necessary, but she would have to move to us for that.

You have to decide what are real needs that no one else is going to meet. And you have to consider the time and energy your kids and your marriage need from you.

Additionally, your parents have to be reasonable to you and your wife. And her parents need to be reasonable with both of you too. Don’t put up with abuse or bad-mouthing.

If you’re not yet in this season, this is the time to talk with your wife about what’s to come. It’s also a great time to start setting better boundaries. If you’re already in this, ongoing discussions are critical. If the two of you can’t find common ground, you might need to get some help.

Sacrificing your marriage for parents is both wrong and unbiblical!

Friday Flashback: When Friends Hold You Back From a Better Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Nov 3, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Beyond the Marriage, Change, Friday Flashback, ZIMAGE

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I came across The ‘Busy’ Trap on the opinion pages of the on-line NY times. Since I just wrote on this, I took the time to see what the fellow had to say. The whole thing is good, but one pull quote really jumped out at me:

It’s not as if any of us wants to live like this; it’s something we collectively force one another to do.

That’s the real issue: busyness is a disease, a social disease spread by repeated contact with carriers. This means getting free of busyness may be difficult or impossible if you stay immersed in a busy culture. And even if you do get free, you could be reinfected. This is part of a bigger issue I’ve mentioned more than once – we tend to mirror the folks we hang with. You shape your friends, and they shape you. Individuality within groups is not nearly as great as we like to think. This is true of busyness, how we spend our money, how much we exercise, the kind of sex we have, and how we treat our spouse.

The hard fact is, our friends can anchor us to things we don’t like, things we would like to remove from our lives. What’s more, if you’re strong enough to change despite your friends, they may drop you because of the changes. Most groups expect certain behaviours and beliefs, and those who stray too far are marginalised or outright excommunicated.

Does all of this mean you have to choose between your friends and making changes in your life? Sometimes it really does come down to that, or at least to being willing to lose friends if that’s what it takes. The question then is what’s more important to you, your friends or being healthy; your friends or doing what’s right; your friends or your marriage? Are you ready to declare independence from the crowd and do what is right?

[This post first appeared July 4, 2012.]

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The Blessing of Living in Community

by The Generous Husband | Nov 2, 2023 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, ZIMAGE

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This post will be a bit different. It has a massive marriage impact, but it’s not directly about marriage. This post is in praise of living in community.

I’ve desired to live in community since I moved out of my family home at the age of twenty. In the book of Acts, we see the early Christians doing this. Not because they were commanded to do so, but because it was a natural result of the lives they were living. I’ve always felt we should feel pulled to community living. But western culture has moved away from that, being all about privacy and independence.

I’ve tried living in community in big and small ways for forty years. If you’ve read me for a long time, you have seen two of those attempts fail badly. But for the last seven years we’ve been doing it, and it’s been great. Our community includes my son, his wife, and their two children. It also includes his mother-in-law, his brother-in-law, and his wife and their kids. Additionally, we’ve had others here, including extended family members looking for a soft launch into adulthood, and a couple with a baby who was about to be homeless. We live in four homes on ten acres. We see each other all the time, but we each have our own space.

The benefits of community are huge. There’s always someone to lend a hand when needed. In the case of an emergency, everyone comes together. When a vehicle breaks down, there’s another that can be used. We have pooled resources to buy things none of us could have afforded together, and we work together to make the property so much better.

There is less privacy than if we had our own place, but it’s not a problem, as everyone respects whatever boundaries are set. We have traded independence for the safety of others who have our back. The kids have far more love and care than they would otherwise have, and none of them will ever know daycare. And as Lori and I age, we will be cared for in our own home by folks who love us. Likewise for my son’s mother-in-law.

Yes, it’s a radical, countercultural choice. It’s also a wise one, especially now. My experience certainly shows it can go wrong, but when it’s good it’s amazing. I feel extremely blessed to live in this community, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

BTW, one of the keys to successfully living community is to keep short accounts. Deal with small issues quickly. A mixture of good boundaries and grace will cover much of the rest. Being able to accept others as broken and not seeing it as your job to “fix” them is critical.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly
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Good Friends are Good for Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Oct 30, 2023 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, ZIMAGE

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It’s been said a true friend will help you hide a body. I think a true friend will help you move an upright piano – from the basement!

Whatever criteria you use, Lori and I are spending some time with that kind of friends. We’ve known each other almost thirty years, and while we’ve both moved to different states, we still get together and love the time together.

Good friends are good for our marriages. I’ve got my friends, and Lori has her friends. We also have a few couples who we enjoy together. Finding great couple friends can be difficult, but when you do, you’ve hit pure gold. Lori and I have three couples in that category, and happily one is local. What a blessing!

Is there a couple or two that you and your wife both enjoy? If so, spend more time together. If not, be on the lookout.

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Playing “The Kids” Card

by The Generous Husband | Oct 19, 2023 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Friday Flashback, Margin, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, Series, ZIMAGE

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Some folks seem unable to think clearly when things involve “the children”. Others get guilted into doing things they don’t feel right about doing because they’re chided to “do it for the children” or asked “how can you say no to the children”. This is usually worded to suggest the only reason someone would say no is selfishness.

This thinking can easily lead to one or both spouses being far too busy, as they drive kids to sports, dance, band, clubs, meetings, and so on. I knew one couple with three children who had several months each year when 8 PM was the earliest both parents were home for the night. Occasionally they were both home for dinner, before going out again, but that was rare. This couple’s effort to give the kids everything was destroying their marriage. He eventually said he was tired of it, but she just ignored him. Last I heard, they were in separate bedrooms and married in name only.

Aside from what it does to the parents, and their marriage, busyness is even more harmful to children than it is to adults. A poll of 882 children ages 9 to 13 found 41% report feeling stressed most of or all of the time because they had too much to do. Additionally, 77% wished they had more free time. Our society is teaching our children to be even busier than we are, and it is not good for them. If they don’t learn to play and relax now, their lives will be full of stress and anxiety!

If your kids are doing too much, you need to put a stop to it for them. If their activities are making you and/or your wife too busy, you need to put a stop to it for the kids and for yourself, your wife, and your marriage. Parents having a strong marriage is critical for emotionally healthy children; don’t put that at risk for a few extra activities!

Reference: Is Your Child Too Busy?

[This post first appeared June 25, 2012.]

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Serving Your Wife Changes How You See Her

by The Generous Husband | Sep 12, 2023 | Acts of Service, Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Headship/Submission, ZIMAGE

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A few weeks ago, when it was really hot (for here) we were on the way to the grocery store and I saw a group of homeless people trying to find shade. I clearly felt God nudge me to get them water. So when we got to the store, I bought a case of bottled water. As we drove out I stopped, got out of the car, went over to the homeless folks, and said “I’ve got water”.

Since then, I’ve done something similar a couple of times. On a hot day, I got a bottle of sports drink for a fellow on the street corner. I drove by and held it out as I slowed down to make the turn. And then I took a group of homeless a dozen doughnuts, saying “Donut break”.

What I find interesting is how these actions have effected me. I see these folks differently. I see them as people, with worth and value. I see them as people Jesus loves and died for. Each time I’ve done this, I’ve said something that should identify me as a follower of Jesus. Perhaps that will make a difference to one of them, but probably not. But being obedient to God has changed me, and that’s a big deal.

And yes, I see a marriage application in all of this. Serving someone changes how we see them. It softens our heart towards them and makes us think about their needs. And this is as true with serving our wife as it is with serving the homeless.

Jesus called us to be servants. He told men to be servant leaders in their marriages. When we do that, it changes us in ways that can only improve our marriage.

How should you be serving your wife?

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Caring for Ageing Parents – Plan Ahead to Protect Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Aug 29, 2023 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I’m having more and more conversations with couples who are or soon will be caring for ageing parents. Lori and I walked this path, so I know what it involves. It can be a lot of work, and there is a cost to each of you and to your marriage.

I’m big on honouring our parents, and caring for them when they can no longer live alone is part of that. But I’m not saying you have to do that, and in some situations I know it’s a bad plan. If a parent is abusive or has medical problems beyond your ability to meet, then something else must be done. Beyond that, you must balance the needs of the parent with your needs as a couple and your children’s needs. Some degree of sacrifice is right and good. Destruction of your marriage or harm to your children are not.

When my mom needed it, we were in an excellent place to care for her. I owned my own business, so I could be somewhat flexible, and could reduce my work load. Lori was an at home mom, and our son was homeschooled. Our house was far too small, but mom’s was large enough for us to move in. On the other hand, my mother-in-law lived two days away by car. Lori let her know we would take care of her, but she would have to move to us. In the end, Lori’s sister, who was single, moved to take care of her.

My reason for this post is to encourage you to talk with your wife about this now, even if the issue seems years down the road. Decide what you’re both willing to do, and what you’re not. Talk about how you would do it, and how it would affect your life, your marriage, and your kids. Set boundaries and limits when there are no strong emotions in the mix. Then, when a parent needs care, you can do what you have already decided to do.

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