Better Sex in 2012 - The Generous Husband

A woman’s view on women and sex

by The Generous Husband | Dec 29, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Guest Author, Sexuality, Understanding Her

When I started my “Better Sex in 2012” series a year ago, I asked several lady bloggers if they would help with some guest posts. Kate, of One Flesh Marriage, was on the ball, sending me two posts early in January. Unfortunately, I was not as on the ball, and the posts got buried. I came across them this week as I was doing my year-end mail and file purge. So here are some great thoughts from Kate on a couple of topics I suggested:

If her relationship is suffering, she won’t want or enjoy sex. Her body might, but she won’t.

For women, how we feel about our relationship with our husband, greatly effects whether or not we enjoy the sensations leading up to and during sex. For many husbands, this is not news, but why we are this way, remains a mystery. When we feel connected and close to our husband, we have the potential to feel sex all over, mind, body and spirit. When we feel distance in our relationship, we can still experience sex, and there is a physical response, but it is just not the same. Many women will struggle to experience sex even on the physical level when their relationship with the husband is strained.

God designed husband and wife to be one flesh. Sex and intimacy is so much more than simply a physical connection. Even though physical is vital (a need in my book, not simply a want) and needs great attention, it is not the only intimacy that needs nurturing. We all know that physical connections can happen without building intimacy on other levels, but there are consequences, one of which is that the intensity of connection will suffer. The four areas of intimacy that we like to point people to are, Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual and Physical. These are four areas we have identified as contributing the one flesh connection.

Spiritual Intimacy – Sharing your faith together. This could be through worship, bible study, prayer, etc. Having time where the two of you explore all that God has in store for his children as well as looking at God’s plan for marriage through His Word.

Emotional Intimacy – Sharing of your thoughts, dreams, fears, struggles, joys, victories-all of the things you are going through. Having openness and connection through those things allows you as one flesh to experience what your spouse is going through. When we neglect this kind of sharing and understanding, we feel misunderstood and forgotten.

Intellectual Intimacy – Spending time sharing with your spouse what they most enjoy learning in life. We all have the things that we truly enjoy learning about or doing. In some way finding time to share that with your spouse will bring you closer in understanding and sharing their passion, even if it is not a passion of yours. It is saying to them, that you value what they value, which is another piece to being one flesh.

Physical Intimacy – This is the most obvious of the types of intimacy and there is much to be learned where the physical techniques and what feels good is concerned. Yet without nurturing the other three, it can become a purely physical sex.

When you take the time to nurture these different areas of intimacy, you are encouraging a oneness that is not based on physical connection alone. Then when the time comes to share physical intimacy together, your wife will feel better about the overall relationship. She can look back and see how you have done things that interest her, that connect with her emotionally and that share your faith together.

Will working on these other areas of intimacy fix all your sex issues-no! That would be nice though, wouldn’t it? I do believe however that it will encourage a close oneness that will help your overall relationship and therefore affect your sex life as well. Keep loving and serving you wife, putting her needs first and you will find God blessing your obedience. .

Help men understand how and why things like doing the dishes, playing with the kids, and paying the bills on time make sex better for a woman.

Women are multitaskers, we often have a to do list running through our head that includes, but in no way is limited to: a grocery list, a list of social events, a list kids activities, things needed to be done around the house (dinner, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, etc), a list of phone calls and emails to return and many other things that sift through our thoughts every day. When it comes time to spend alone time with our hubby we snuggle up and make time for sex but those lists are still filtering, dashing, scurrying, scampering through our heads, at an alarming rate. Shutting off the list and thoughts of what needs to get done is, well . . . crazy hard. Some might say near impossible. For me, the longer and more extensive the list, the harder it is to let go and get in the “mood.” Sadly I believe for many, as the list gets longer, the idea of and motivation for sex moves further and further down on the list.

When my hubby comes home from his long day of work, I know that many times he would really like to sit and relax. For many years we did just that. He would be tired from work and veg out, usually in front of the TV or computer. I would continue on with my lists and eventually fall into bed with no interest in anything but sleep. Somewhere over the years, God opened our eyes to the fact that if we served one another first and thought about ourselves second, we both felt the love and help of the other. My hubby started coming home and asking what he could do to help get things crossed of my list so that I could relax after the kids went to bed. Sometimes I would let him do what I was doing and I would go and play with the kids. Other times when he asked, I would ask him to keep the kids occupied for a bit while I finished up. When my hubby took the time to put my needs first instead of just relaxing, he found that I was much more energetic and ready to spend time making sex a priority after the kids were in bed.

As we all know it is a two way street, as I began to make sex a priority there were times I had to tell myself that certain things on my list could and would have to wait. I was putting my hubby’s and our marriage’s needs above that of my own desire to get all the things checked off of my list.

Wives, I believe God has designed us with the amazing ability to keep many things running in our brains at one time. Husbands, you helping to check a few things off the list, or to take the kids so your wife can get some things done uninterrupted, is an immense help and frees our minds up to think sex! Not only does it allow us to think about sex and time alone with our husband, it also encourages better sex. How you might ask? When we are not feeling stressed and bogged down by the entire list running through our heads – our mind, emotions, and body have a better chance to respond to the pleasures sex brings. For many women “getting in the mood” means shutting off all that is going on in our brain. If you help to shut some of that off for her then she can get into the mood and enjoy the experience. The best way to see if this is true is to give it a try. Not just once, but often! See if helping your wife to get things done or off her list, encourages intimacy together. Pray as you are helping, that you would have eyes to see and ears to hear what your wife needs. You will be helping your wife to potentially enjoy time alone with you so much more!

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How you ask (begging is a bad plan)

by The Generous Husband | Dec 1, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Sexuality, Understanding Her

Last week in Keep asking and you might get lucky? I talked about the ineffective strategy of asking for sex every chance you get. I suggested figuring out when she would tend to be open, and when she was too tired or overwhelmed to care, could help you. In short – improve your batting average by not swinging at every wild ball that goes by.

So, how should you ask when you ask? As with many things, it will depend on her personality, your personality, and the current situation. Some women will respond well to joking, others will take offence. Some are turned on by certain slang terms, while others want nothing to do with their hubby when he uses such words. This is more study, more trial and error, and being sure to keep mental notes on how she responds to various approaches.

A few methods are bad for almost all women:

Begging: It’s not sexy; it’s pathetic. You might get sympathy sex, but sympathy sex is not what you want or need, and it tends to put her even more off sex.
Dealing: Offering her something in exchange for sex is very close to prostitution, which is a good way to offend her a great deal. Things are even worse if it works, because then you will be expected to “pay” every time, and she will be setting the price!
Veiled, or not so veiled, threats: Hinting you might be tempted to look at porn, or commit adultery, or drive into a tree, are not a good way to get sex. Even joking about any of these is a very bad plan. Threatening (even by past example) to be as grumpy as humanly possible if she says no is also a bad plan.
If you loved me: Yes, love should motivate her to take care of you sexually. Love should also motivate you to do many things for her – are you doing all of those, and doing them well? This one is not really wrong, but it is a no win plan.
Smacking her upside of her head with a Bible: As in, “The Bible says you can’t say no!” Again, not factually wrong, but you are not in the place to be telling her this fact. Besides, as many men can tell you, it does not work.

Things that do tend to improve the odds with most women:

Empathy: Understand sex is far more effort for her than it is for you, and find ways to tell her you know this fact. (No, this is not true for all women, but those for whom it is not true are usually saying yes nine times out of six.)
Be sure she is full up: She is going to be more interested in and better able to have sex with you if you have been taking care of her most important needs. This is not tit for tat, but rather giving her what makes it easy for her to give to you. This is also leading by example.
Give her advanced notice: Even a couple of hours will help; she can get her mind into it, which can help a great deal.
Give her options: Yes or no, right now, is a bad choice. Asking her when today she can have sex is far better. Giving her some options of what to do is also a good thing.
Be willing to accept something just for you: I don’t mean mercy sex, I mean sex where you climax and she does not. Some women do not want to climax every time, or do not feel the need to climax very often. If this is the case, she may be happy to have sex “just for you”. It might be intercourse, or it might be something else. If you have never had this discussion with her, do so. Be clear you are all about her pleasure when she wants it – including if she changes her mind halfway through – but you wonder if a solution to your “higher drive” might not be her sometimes doing something just for you.

Bottom line: Try thinking about how you want to be asked for things, especially things that are sometimes difficult for you to do. Apply to how you ask for sex.

Well this is awkward… Should a post with a London underground “NO BEGGING” sign include a link to our donation page?

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Decoding Her Desire: Stop Shooting Blind

by The Generous Husband | Nov 24, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Communication, Her Needs, Sexuality

Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach, figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes or no, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hoping you hit the target occasionally!

I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it didn’t work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you couldn’t stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate?

Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?

Yes, I know you’re not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.

The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a number of factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher.

Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation, which is 14 days before her next period. The week before that, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. Just before and during menstruation varies from women to woman.
Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
Stress from a long day, and ongoing stress, are also big factors.
How well she has connected with you the last 24 to 36 hours is important. Remember, her love language determines how she feels loved and connected.

There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about the 24 hours before when she says yes, and likewise when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking doesn’t help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that’s good for both of you.

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High drive, low drive, and perception trumping reality

by The Generous Husband | Nov 17, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Seeing Clearly, Series, Sexuality

In the last two weeks, I have been involved in and read a number of discussions which throw around the terms “high drive” and “low drive”. In several of those discussions, I have expressed my frustration over the terms.

I think the terms imply abnormality. She called him high drive to excuse not giving him all he wants.¹ He calls her low drive to justify demanding rather than asking. Many men start emails to me by calling themselves “high drive” which I find sad and wrong. I know many men masturbate because they think their drive is high and it is not reasonable to expect their wife to take care of all of it; in our survey on masturbation 46% of men said they masturbate because “My drive is higher and I don’t want to bother her.” Just to show how weird it gets, I might get an email from a fellow who says he is high drive, wanting sex twice a week, followed by an email from a “high drive” woman complaining her husband will not have sex more than twice a week.

Some use the terms higher and lower drive spouse, which is at least accurate, but I still think it fails to deal with the perception and reality issue we really need to addressed: how much sex is right? Is someone’s drive “too high” or “too low”? Should we, as some have suggested, talk about healthy and unhealthy drive rather than high and low?

As much as I would like to give the answer for the rest of eternity on this, I have not been granted that right. However, I do have some thoughts I think are relative.

A growing body of well-done research says sex is good for us.² Good for us includes a longer and healthier life, and many of the benefits seem to be “dose related” meaning more sex results in more benefits.³ From a health standpoint it would be wise to “prescribe” sex at least every other day for all couples.
A number of studies have found that all other things being the same, the more sex couples have, the less they fight and the less likely they are to divorce.⁴
More sex has been found to result in being happier.⁵
God told us not to say no.⁶

This means frequent sex is good for our bodies, our minds, our emotions, and our marriages – in addition to making us right with God. Based on that, if someone does not want sex, or only wants it infrequently, I think something is wrong. There are a good many things that could be wrong, and in some cases much of what is wrong is the fault of the “high drive spouse”, but something is wrong. Given this, the whole “high drive” thing looks to me like an attempt to change reality by painting over it with a skewed perception.

I suggest we 1) stop talking about individuals and talk instead about couples, and 2) discuss what a healthy sex life looks like, and 3) tell those who do not have a healthy sex life they need help.

If you have been called high drive, or thought you might be high drive, I suggest you rethink. Unless you know you would be dissatisfied with sex six times a week, I do not think your drive is abnormal. How you express your desire, or what you want may be an issue, but it is not an issue of drive strength. Among other things, I suggest you need to see your drive as being covered by 1 Cor 7, meaning your spouse, not you, should be meeting your need.

If you have been called low drive, or thought you might be low drive, I suggest you ask yourself if you are opposed to more sex, or just don’t feel much of a “drive”. A growing body of research indicates most women (and some men), do not feel much of a drive, but are still open to and able to enjoy far more sex than they would choose based on their own drive.⁷ It’s like never feeling hungry, but still being able to eat and enjoy a meal. Never feeling hungry does not mean you have no need for food, and not feeling a sex drive does not mean you have no need for sex. I would also gently suggest your “higher drive” spouse probably has a valid need, and =as the only person who is supposed to have sex with them, you should find a way to meet that need.

Footnotes:

1 I do know the wife is the one who wants more sex in 20% of so of marriages – swap pronouns as needed for your reality.
2 The often-missed caveat is monogamous heterosexual contact is better than other options, but since we are talking about marriage here, we can assume those for this discussion.
3 A couple of links touching on this – Orgasms, Health and Longevity: Does Sex Promote Health? and Sex does the body good
4 Sex – important to husbands and wives
5 Would more sex make you happier? Studies say yes and Sex – important to husbands and wives
6 1 Cor 7 – Sexual Responsibility
7 Sexual desire in women – spontaneous or triggered?

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How about A LOT of great vanilla?

by The Generous Husband | Nov 3, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Sexuality

This post is, in part, a reply to some of the comments on my I sinned, I expect you to pay for that post. It is also a practical solution for something I see in many new marriages.

Young men are, in general, far more excited about sex than young women are. Some of this may be cultural, but I think a great deal of it is based on innate male/female differences. Men have a stronger physical drive, their genitals are out there for them to see and touch, the sight of their beloved naked drives them wild, and for men sex is easy, fast, sure to “work” (they reach climax) and low risk. Women tend to have less experience with their sexual parts, due to culture and to their bits being hidden. They have a much weaker physical drive, especially during their teens and twenties, and many can be content without the sexual part of a relationship. Finally, for women sex is not easy, or fast, or sure, and there are far more risks both real and imagined than for men. The first time we men learn sex involves our penis entering a woman’s body, we generally do not find the idea unpleasant. However, many women (most?) find the idea far from pleasant when they first learn about it! Sex is invasive for women, which makes it more personal and maybe a little threatening.

Based on this, even when a sexually inexperienced couple gets married, his sexual interest is significantly higher than hers is. She is thinking about moving to the foot of the mountain while he has long since started to climb. This difference creates a problems: he feels held back, and she feels dragged along. He is frustrated at her, and she at him. If the difference is not great, and they can both be loving and offer grace, they can work it out. The greater the difference in their starting places, the more trouble they are going to have. If he is well up the mountain before she even starts, the frustration and problems are significant, and without some help or one person sacrificing significantly, they are never going to be on the same level.

If he has used porn, he has moved up the mountain, possibly a great distance. This means the difference in their starting places is far greater than it would normally be, and they are going to have a very hard time. She needs to get her feet wet slowly, and he is way past that. He is too excited to slow down, which means she does not get what she needs. Sex becomes increasingly difficult, with him being frustrated she is so slow and far behind, while she is hurt he will not slow down so she has a chance to catch up. His porn use has caused a significant problem, and expecting her to catch up is not only wrong, it expects of her something she cannot possibly do.

The usual response from the man it to push for everything he wants. He does not simply push for more sex, he pushes for variety. She has not even gotten the basics down, and he is demanding things well beyond the basics. It is as if she is learning addition and he wants her to do algebra. She does not have the basis for what he wants, and no amount of complaining will change her ability. The nearly inevitable result of this is the woman pulls back sexually, in all ways. She says no more and more often because she feels she has no hope of ever satisfying him. Her best is not good enough, as he has made very clear to her, so why should she bother?

If the man has created the problem, then it seems he is the one who needs to change and sacrifice. Beyond this, on a practical level, it is the only real solution.

What exactly is the solution? Limit yourself to the basics – to the most vanilla of sex. I am not talking about sex without passion, just keep it simple. Kissing, manual breast play, manual stimulation of the genitals, and sex in a couple of basic, face-to-face positions; no oral sex, no wild lingerie, no sex toys, no rear entry, just simple sex. I realise this sounds boring if you have gone way beyond it in your mind with porn or in the flesh with some former girlfriend. Again, this is your sin and you, not your bride, should be the one who has to deal with your sin. I am not saying you should be punished; rather you need to limit your sex to the basics to give your bride a chance to become comfortable with sex. Let her learn how her body works, how your body works, how they fit together, and how great sex can be. Let her learn to feel a build-up of sexual tension and pleasure. Let her learn to climax with ease. Let her learn how to give you pleasure and to feel good about being able to do so

While you stick to the basics, work on having sex often. Practice does matter, so the more often you do it, the better. This is another reason to limit what you do – it is easier to get good at a few things than to work on many things at once.

This approach, with a focus on frequency and not on variety, is far more effective than trying for both more sex and more variety. This approach is one she can actually do, and it allows her to learn and grow.

Does this mean nothing but vanilla sex the rest of your life? First, realise a lot of great vanilla sex is better than what most men have. If you never have more, you still have a great deal – vanilla sex can be awesome. That said, the odds are she will eventually be open to more; she might even suggest more. If she feels comfortable with sex, if she enjoys it and knows she is making you feel good, she can risk moving beyond the basics. Once she has a solid foundation, trying to add more is no longer a scary thing. She will still have things she is unwilling to try, or things she tries and does not like, but that is different than feeling pressured to do things she does not even want to think about.

As someone suggested in the comments, this is how Lori and I handled it many years ago. And you know what? It worked. It took me a couple of years to wise up, and I did a lot of additional harm before I did, but once I backed off everything other than frequency things started to change. I gave her a safe place to heal, learn, and grow. I gave her a consistent goal, and she was able to find a way to meet the goal. We both felt a lot better once I backed off, and after that any growth (and there has been a lot more) was just a bonus.

Someone said in the comments this is not the only way to deal with this problem. I agree, it is not. However, it is successful far more often than any other way I have seen.

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I sinned, I expect you to pay for that.

by The Generous Husband | Oct 28, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality, YOU4HER

Yesterday I wrote, “If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created by that sex as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins.”

Added for clarity: By expectations I am talking about specific sex acts, not frequency.

The sinful sex I was discussing yesterday was any premarital sex, but there is another very common sinful source of sexual expectations – pornography.

I have had women tell me they have a right to say no to fill-in-the-blank because their husband would not want it if he had not seen it in porn. I have had men argue they would want fill-in-the-blank even if they had not seen it in porn. While both want to be convinced they are right, neither can know, much less prove, they are correct.

My opinions on this:

Some of what men see in porn they would have come to want even if they never saw porn.
Seeing something in porn makes the desire to do it greater than if the man had never seen it in porn.
Some things men see in porn they would never have desired had they not seen them in porn, but having seen them in porn, they develop a desire for it.
No one can prove any particular desire would or would not have happened had the man never seen it in porn.
Regardless of what he would have wanted had he never looked at porn, viewing porn changes a man’s desires.

The last part of the last point is critical; it means when a man chooses to use porn, he is choosing to change his sexuality. He probably has no idea he is doing this, and he may deny for the rest of his life his sexuality was changed, but numerous studies on how what we see affects us leave no doubt exposure to porn changes a man’s sexuality.

So, who should bear the consequences of sexuality changed by wilful sin? Be it premarital sex, porn, or adultery, your sin changes your sexual desires. If those changes cause a conflict with your spouse, who should bend? It seems wrong and selfish to expect your wife to do anything to accommodate the consequences of your sin. Perhaps this is not controversial, maybe this is why we have a debate about whether or not certain desires come from sinful exposure – he claims they are not so she will “have to” do what he wants, and she claims they are so she feels free to say no.

My take on it is your choice to sin means you gave up the right to expect or claim anything. You created the possibility what you want, or how strongly you want it, is the result of sin, and one of the consequences of that is setting down the desire. Does that bother you because you feel I am giving all the power to your wife? As I see it, you gave her the power when you chose to sin. Sin has consequences, and some consequences are things we must live with the rest of our lives.

In short, if you have sin in your sexual past, I think you need to be willing to accept a “vanilla” sex life. I realise this is a very difficult thing to say, and I realise no man is going to like hearing it. However, it seems to me anything else is asking your wife to bear the consequences of your sin. I find that and deeply wrong, the epitome of selfish, and not at all loving.

Please know I say all this as someone who has been down this road. I saw a lot of porn as a kid. I stopped (completely, 100%) around my 15th birthday, but I know what I had seen had a profound effect on my sexuality. When Lori and I were first together I tried to get her to be the woman of my porn fuelled dreams, and I did a good deal of harm to her. I finally decided I could not stomach what I was doing to her, and piece by piece, I gave up all but the most basic, simple sex acts. I prayed it would change, but I was determined to set those things aside and learn to have a great sex life without them. Those things were off the table for years. Eventually, as Lori got more healing, she started to think and talk about some of those things. Some we tried, both liked, and kept. Some we tried, we did not both like, and we set them back down. I lost interest in a few, and some just did not seem to fit our lives, or I came to realise they were not right or reasonable.

I cannot promise you that if you lay things down you will one day get to pick any of them back up. However, I can promise laying them down is the only way to have a healthy sex life your in which your wife enthusiastically involves herself. I can promise you laying these things down gives your wife her best chance at learning to want and enjoy sex and I know the longer you hold onto these things the less chance there is she will ever get there. I can also tell you a regular “simple” sex life is far more enjoyable than doing more because you push and beg and occasionally guilt her into doing something she really does not want to do.

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Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Assume Love

Two Thoughts about Love ◄ I suspect Patty is right – which of these two do you need to work on?

Battle for a Great Marriage

I Started Caring For My Wife and She Got Mad ◄ Yes, this is a fairly common reaction after a prolonged time of not caring.

Black and Married with Kids

Am I The Only Husband Who Missed Sweetest Day…Again! ◄ Raising my hand …
Stop the Madness! 3 Ways that Facebook is Ruining Marriages ◄ Any tool can be used for good of harm!

The Generous Wife

One Small Step ◄ How would you respond to a request like this?
Where is That Charger? ◄ Are you staying charged up?
Living Out Kindness ◄ Following on my recent kindness post very nicely.
Getaway Zone ◄ How can you help this happen?
Tired ◄ Notice what I posted the day before this. Yes, I got a great woman!
Use Your “PAUSE” Button ◄ I could sure use one of these!
Are You Prepared? ◄ A major sanity saver.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty? ◄ A great read, comments and all. If you’ve not had this talk with your bride, I suggest you do so.
How Often Should You Have Sex? ◄ Join the debate!

Intimacy in Marriage

3 Reasons Sex is GREAT When You are Old(er) ◄ Yes, it can get better and better.

Joe Beam’s Blog

May a Christian masturbate? May a Christian use porn? Questions from a divorcee… ◄ Joe covers this very well.

Journey to Surrender

Do You Assume Love? ◄ I pointed to this as the reason for my recent post on Assuming love. If you missed it, check it out.
Unloving or Unloved ◄ Great follow up to the above.

Marriage Missions International

Weaknesses: A Doorway to Growth ◄ Great way to look at weaknesses, both your weaknesses and her weaknesses.

One Flesh Marriage

Your Secret Sexual Fantasy ◄ Sharing is scary, but it can end very well.

refine us

Strip Me of My Titles ◄ “The titles we give ourselves are often better than the titles we deserve” so, so true.
A Few Months from Now ◄ There is great wisdom here for those who will hear it.

Romantic Act of the Day

When Your Love Tank Runs Dry ◄ It happens to all of us sooner or later …
When Your Love Tank Runs Dry – Part 2 ◄ The wrong way to refill!
When Your Love Tank Runs Dry – part 3 ◄ Don’t let loose lips sink your marriage!
Have You Washed Her Feet Lately? ◄ Learn what servant leadership looks like.

Stupendous Marriage

Feeling Pressure to Get Married! ◄ Good discussion on a couple of difficult issues.

…to Love Honor and Vacuum

Shelia did a great, very scriptural and very well balances series on the issue of “refusing”
What Does 1 Corinthians 7:5–Do Not Deprive Each Other–Really Mean?
Do Not Deprive Each Other Part II: What is Regular Sex?
“Do Not Deprive” Roundup

Sex for Her – when she resists or limits sex

by The Generous Husband | Oct 25, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Seeing Clearly, Series, Sexuality

If your wife limits or resists sex it is difficult to impossible to make it good for her. If she “could live just fine without sex” or “only does it for you”, you will need to deal with that, and key to dealing with it is to understand why she is uninterested, unwilling, or fearful. I have written a good deal on this over the years, so most of the following links to full posts on each subject.

First, please understand not wanting sex when the relationship has problems is normal for women. If she does not feel safe, does not trust you, does not feel valued, or is not having her needs met, not wanting or enjoying sex is not a sexual problem. The same is true when there is nothing horribly wrong with the marriage, but there is no real non-sexual intimacy. You can argue she “should” be there for you sexually regardless, and you might pressure or guilt her into sex, but doing so is only going to create new problems that will further prevent her from wanting sex. I think it is right and good to try to find a way to accommodate valid sexual needs as non-sexual problems are being resolved, but this is short-term workaround at best.
The above said, some women find an endless stream of non-sexual “problems” to avoid sex, or set an impossible level of “performance” before they will even think about being more sexual. Arguing about this will be fruitless if she is in fact, trying to avoid sex. If you suspect this is the case, call her bluff. Meet with third party help who says s/he values both sexual and non-sexual intimacy in marriage, and let that person call foul on either or both of you.
Several of the things I mentioned on Tuesday are valid here too: the pill can destroy sex for a woman, sexual pain is a huge turn-off, she may lack the time or energy for good sex, and she may be trying to work up a male sex drive, rather than being the way God made her.
Guilt over past sexual activity is a big problem for many women. This can be sex she choose or something done to her against her will. It can be what she did with you before marriage, porn use, or masturbation. Some women carry this kind of guilt their entire life, preventing them and their husband from having the sex life God intended. Odds are she will need third party help with this, but I have a few suggestions if she wants to start the process on her own.
Some women feel guilty for wanting sex with their husband, or for enjoying it. Alternatively, they feel wrong if they want it “too much” or enjoy it “more than they should”. This is the whole “good girl” lie. She may know in her head it is good and right to enjoy sex, but that may not free her from her shame. Again, third party help may be required.
Body image is a huge issue, and it extends to her breasts and genitals. It is difficult to want or enjoy sex when you are convinced your body in general, or your sexual parts in particular, are ugly, deformed, or not nearly as nice as other women’s are. Do all you can to convince her you like how she looks. (However, if you look at porn, nothing you say will matter to her, and your porn use is making this situation far, far worse.)
Maybe she just does not enjoy it. If sex does nothing for her, she has no internal motivation to have sex or to work on making it better. Even if she believes it could be great, she thinks she is fine without it, and she may reason it is just not worth the time and effort required to start enjoying it. My suggestion here is to tell her gently great sex is good for her, for you, and for your marriage.
You may think she enjoys sex when in fact, she does not. The fact a woman has an orgasm does not mean she is glad she had sex.
She may have fallen into the “We will have more sex when …” trap. Julie over at Intimacy in Marriage did a great post on this recently.
Some women are hung up on the gross factor of sex. I suspect this is usually about wrong teaching from a parent.

I realise this can seem confusingly impossible, but there are specific reasons for her lack of sexual interest, or dislike of sex. Addressing and resolving those root issues will bring about change, which should make the effort worthwhile. Your bride may or may not know why she feels as she does, and may have no interest in dealing with the issue. We are not usually motivated to work on things we dislike, and even if she believes she could learn to enjoy it, you are asking her to start while she does not enjoy it. The best motivation to work on sex varies from woman to woman. Some see it as the right things to do. Some want to get over “being broken”. Some do it because they love their husband and want to meet his needs.

One motivation that usually does not work is “so hubby will stop hassling me”. However, that does not mean you should be silent about your desire for the situation to change. If you put up with it for too long, she will reason it must not be as bad as you claim, because you make a lot of noise but just keep putting up with it. If she can get you to drop the subject by being upset, or by saying no completely instead of 70% of the time, she will keep doing those things. You need to let her know, as lovingly as possible, the current situation is unacceptable, and you will not let it go. If she is significantly refusing you, it is wrong, and it needs to be resolved. I strongly suggest you share with her a series Sheila of to Love Honor and Vacuum just finished. This is a very well done, balanced treatment of 1 Cor 7:5, and it is a woman talking to women. See What Does 1 Corinthians 7:5–Do Not Deprive Each Other–Really Mean?, Do Not Deprive Each Other Part II: What is Regular Sex, and “Do Not Deprive” Roundup.

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Understanding Her Sexuality: A Guide to Pleasuring Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Oct 23, 2012 | Better Sex in 2012, Links to good stuff, Series, Sexuality, Understanding Her

Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal.

Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating.

What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure.
Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered.
Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her.
The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues.
Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt)
She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while other agree that for them the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word.
If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, or has never had one, the problem could be between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help.
Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her.
Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no)
Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one.

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