Unfortunately I feel the opposite, my mask is on at home just to keep the peace. As soon as the door opens my authentic self is gone, and I try not to make waves, stay in the background, etc.. I am more myself in front of friends and people that I know love me unconditionally. Makes for a difficult, but content life. We all give up something. ~ Seen on Quora
I got that in reply to my saying my marriage is where I can be myself. The comment made me very sad for the person who shared it.
I get why people do this, and I know there are times when it seems the best option available. But when you live a lie in your marriage, your marriage is crippled. Or worse. Your marriage will never get better, and it will shrivel over time. You are setting yourself up for divorce or living as roommates.
If you’ve done this for years, changing is going to be difficult, for both of you. But it’s the right thing to do. The best approach is to be honest up front. Tell your wife you have been hiding part of who you are to avoid difficulties. Explain you realise this is bad for you and for your marriage, and you want to change. Ask for grace, and promise to give plenty of the same.
This tree has been the view from the window by my computer for a couple of weeks. I built it on a twelve-foot pole we will be moving our Starlink to in the spring.
I said I did it for the grandkids. But I also did it for me. And most of the adults on the property have made over it. Win win!
I pray your Christmas is full of family, joy, and the love of Jesus.
I find myself asking this question all the time. I ask it here, in sermons, and during coaching. I ask Lori, and I ask myself.
I think “Who am I?” is probably the most important question in life, and for those who follow Jesus, God has the only valid answer. But it seems many of us don’t spend much time looking for an answer to that question.
If you figure out who God says you are and be that person, life makes more sense. Some parts will likely be easier. And honestly, some parts will be more difficult. But it will be a good thing.
The difficulty with figuring out who God made us to be is the much louder voices telling us who we are. Your parents had/have strong opinions about that, as do your children. Your wife knows who she wants you to be, and so do your friends. Your employer and/or employees have ideas about who you should be. Society has an opinion, and so does the church. And odds are most of that has little to do with what God wants. Others ideas about who you should be are based on societal norms and their needs, not what’s right for you,
Being yourself is often swimming up stream. But what God has for you is up that stream, so swim with all your might!
2024 Year End 19% of 15,000 raised as of 12/17
Help us meet our goal! Be a part of helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori
Donate with Check or BillPay
Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.
Mail to:
Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173
Why do we feel the need to be right so strongly that we’re willing to make a mess of our marriage to prove ourselves?
I ask this as a guy who has made the wrong choice on this many, many times. I’m getting better, but even after forty years it’s still a fight at times. And honestly, I find it more tempting with my wife than with others.
I’m sure pride is involved, but I think it’s more about self identity. I’m very close to Lori, and I love that. But I think I feel a need to differentiate myself from her. Psychology talks about self-differentiation, which is distinguishing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours from others in your family system. We all did this with our family of origin when we were growing up. If mom and/or dad made that difficult, we may be more prone to get agitated about it with our wife.
It’s good to be your own person. It’s good for your wife to be her own person. The trick is embracing the differences between you and your wife in a loving and grace-filled way. Making a choice to do this is a great starting place.
Along these lines, a reminder to myself. Even if you’re right, being a jerk makes you wrong!
The donation widget is not working via email. You can give here.
Happy Independence Day to those of you in the USofA. Don’t eat too much, and don’t blow off a hand.
Those who live in the States are big on freedom, or at least the American version of freedom. But what about God’s version of freedom? In The Message* the fifth chapter of Galatians is titled “The Life of Freedom”. Paul had a good deal to say about freedom. So did Jesus. However, what they meant by freedom is not what we’re celebrating this July 4th.
In Galatians, Paul is upset that some who have accepted Jesus are trying to live according to the Law. He asks them who has bewitched them, and why they think having started in the Spirit they can finish in their own strength. He explains those who live the Law (or legalism) forfeit the benefits of being in Christ.
Verse one of chapter 5 says, “Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.” [Gal 5:1 MSG] Strong words! Sadly, many modern Christians have accepted a harness of slavery in the form of rules made by men. Such man-made additions to the Word of God are no different from the well-meaning additions condemned by Jesus, Paul, and other New Testament writers. Being free in Christ requires us to flee from such things!
A couple other things about freedom from Galatians 5, as found in The Message:
“My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?” [Gal 5:16-18]
Sounds like a great plan to me! Reject what can never work, and follow God’s Spirit into freedom!
“Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom.” [Gal 5:14]
Freedom is not about doing what we want; it’s about loving and caring for others. When we walk in freedom, we find ourselves wanting to help others because that’s a natural result of walking with Jesus in true freedom.
Are you ready to celebrate God’s freedom?
* Yes, I know The Message is not a literal translation. I’ve done a lot of checking on it, and often it brings out valid nuances not found in literal translations. I always fall back to something else when in doubt, but I find the fresh way it puts things can open God’s Word to me in new ways.
I talk a lot about Becoming Yourself. Most of the time I make it clear that what I mean is becoming the man God made you to be. That’s an important distinction.
I’ve heard people complain they can’t be themselves with certain people. Often what that means is that person won’t put up with their bad behaviour.
Being yourself is not an excuse to be rude or unkind. It’s not justification for a lack of love or grace. And saying “This is how God made me” when you cause harm to others is usually a lie. The world may have made you mean. Your mother may have made you selfish. Your friends may have made you cynical. But God did not make you any of those things!
God calls us to be loving, kind, and gentle. We are to be full of grace and patience. We are called to peace, kindness, faithfulness, and self-control.
If you can’t be yourself with someone, something is horribly wrong. Maybe they are just too sensitive. But it might be you, not them.
As for marriage, if you feel you can’t be yourself with your wife, that’s a disaster in the making. If you feel this way, please get help ASAP.
I realise we all give a knee-jerk “of course” answer to this question. But if we actually think about it, a man who acted like Jesus in our circle of friends might not be seen as very manly. And if we’re honest, most the folks in our church would feel the same.
The whole chasing the money changers out of the temple with a whip fits our version of a real man. But what about not defending Himself physically or verbally when the religious folks came for Him? He was all kind and gentle to people. He made time for women, which was scandalous, and for children, which should have been beneath Him. He could have called down angles to wipe out the Roman army, but He allowed them to nail Him to a cross. And then there was that whole washing of feet thing!
I bring this up because of an article I read that said, “Men tend to die earlier in life in countries where the belief that manhood is ‘hard won and easily lost’ is more widespread‘”. Joseph Vandello, the author of the study cited in the article, says he thinks “manhood is seen as a precarious social status”. I know a lot of men who feel that way.
Men who feel a need to continually prove they are men are more prone to aggression, risk-taking, and treating women badly. It’s easy to see this dynamic when we look at inner-city gangs, but it’s far more widespread than that. Some folks take the time to put a nice mask on it, but it’s still ugly and destructive to the men doing it and to those around them.
What makes you feel like a man? Do you need others to see you as a man to feel like you are? What if being a man is more about self-control than aggression? What if it’s more about compassion than controlling people? What if being a man means being more like Jesus than Rambo?
The hard truth is, being a godly man means we will sometimes not be seen as manly by the culture in which we swim. This is a big and difficult issue. John Eldrege has been talking and writing about this for years. Check out his book Wild At Heart and the website for a lot of good stuff on this.
A while back, Lori and I were watching “The Feed”. In one scene, a character named Gil was talking with his girlfriend and said he liked who she was. When she then asked him to change something he was doing, he said, “I like who I am”. His point was he was doing what she wanted him to change because of who he was, and he liked who he was.
WOW!
Many of us are not nearly self-aware enough to know that changing certain things would mean violating who we are. And how many of us can honestly say, “I like who I am?”
I found myself wondering when that statement started to be true for me. Certainly not at thirty, or forty. Maybe fifty, and certainly by sixty. This is not to suggest I’m perfect. I’m more aware of my imperfections now than I was in years gone by. But I have a more balanced view of myself and a better handle on the reality that we’re all both broken and beautiful.
Additionally, I’ve learned to see both others and myself as a package deal. You get the good with the bad. And in most situations, I think I offer a lot of good and not too much bad. I certainly feel that is true for me as a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a friend. I also feel it’s true for what I offer when I minister to people, be that in person or online.
The danger in this, I suppose, is to stop seeing or caring about the places where I need work. Seeing the package as a good deal is nice, but I need to continue to work on the places that are broken or not right.
What about you? Do you like who you are? Do you think you’re a good package deal as a husband, father, employee or employer, and friend? Can you see that and also see where you need more work?
