Be a grownup - The Generous Husband

FF: The Power of Choice

by The Generous Husband | Jan 10, 2025 | Be a grownup, Change, Friday Flashback

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A full 20% of my posts carry the I_choose tag. Clearly, I see this as a big deal.

Choosing is powerful, and wise use of choice can make your life much better. Some thoughts on choice:

We usually have more choices than we think. For a variety of reasons, we tend to get tunnel vision, seeing only two choices when we have many, or only a few of the many we actually have.
We are often offered less than all the choices. People try to control and manipulate us by offering a limited set of choices; don’t fall for this!
Life is full of false dichotomies. Learning to question two answer choices is one of the smartest things you can do.
Wrong assumptions limit our choices. What we assume can cause us to think a choice is not available, or will be rejected.
Not choosing is actually making a choice, especially if you know what will happen if you don’t choose, or if by not choosing you leave the choice up to someone else. In other words, abdication is a choice, but a very poor one.
Doing nothing is a choice, and sometimes it is a very good choice.
Rushing to choose when choosing right now isn’t necessary often results in poor choices. Taking time to think/pray/sleep on it is always wise. If it is a major decision, seeking the wisdom of others is also a good idea.
What was a great choice in the past can be a poor or bad choice now. Re-examine your choices regularly.
Pride can keep us from changing once we choose. Being able to say “I was wrong” and changing direction is a sign of maturity and self-confidence.
Some choices are beyond our ability, we can’t choose something that requires others to act unless they’re willing to do what we want.
Our choices have profound effects on others, especially those closest to us. What you choose can help or hurt your wife, and can open and close doors for her.

The bottom line is, choice is a very powerful tool for good or harm. Choose often, and choose well.

[This post first appeared Oct 17, 2012.]

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Embracing Emotional Maturity: A Call to Christian Husbands

by The Generous Husband | Jan 9, 2025 | Be a grownup, Headship/Submission

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Yesterday I said a lot of bad marriage behaviour is a result of folks seeking attention and/or respect from their spouse. Then I told you to give your wife more attention and respect, as if you’re the only one guilty in this.

I have no doubt most of you need more attention and respect from your wives. But you telling her that is not likely to bring about positive results. I’m talking to you, and you can change you, so I focused on that.

The other thing at play here is that when both spouses need to change, the one who acts is the one who is more emotionally mature. The less mature spouse waits for the other to act, and then reacts to what was done.

I’m calling on you to be the more emotionally mature one in your marriage. In other words, grow up! As someone who believes in headship, I don’t think we have an option on this. Being the husband God called us to be requires us to relentlessly pursue emotional maturity.

If you want to make a serious run at this, I suggest the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature. I’ve read this book twice in the last decade, and will be doing it for a third time with our life group soon. It’s challenging, but if you work at it, you will grow up a bit. Or maybe a lot. And that will be very good for your marriage!

I went for the audio version this time, but you can do Kindle or old school book if you like.

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Healing Your Marriage: Resolving Conflicts Before the New Year

by The Generous Husband | Dec 30, 2024 | Be a grownup, Faith walk, Good Marriage

Before you ring out the old year and ring in the new year, is there any offence from 2024 you need to deal with? This is true across the board, but my focus is on your marriage.

I’m not talking about who’s at fault here, because really that’s not the issue. Romans 12:18 tells us:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. ~ ESV

I take this to mean God expects us to make an effort, even if we’re not the one who has done wrong. If there are hard feelings, you need to try to resolve them. If there’s unforgiveness, you need to offer forgiveness or ask to be forgiven. If something has become a land mine you both avoid, it’s time to deal with it.

If marriage baggage from this year goes into the New Year, let it be because you tried to work it out, but your wife refused. Only then can you be free of responsibility and right before God.

Still working on our year-end donations. Use the links below, or click here.

2024 Year End
48% of 15,000 raised as of 12/12

Help us meet our goal! Be a part of helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances.
Thanks, Paul & Lori

Donate with Check or BillPay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

[This post first appeared Dec 30, 2012.]

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FF: Scorched Earth: When Control Becomes Destructive

by The Generous Husband | Sep 20, 2024 | Be a grownup, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Series

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The “scorched earth” or “nuclear option” approach to control is the ugly result of deciding if you can’t be in control, then the next best thing is to make sure your wife is not in control either. It becomes okay, more or less, not being in control because you have ensured she doesn’t have any control. Any hint of control is attacked, and fairly stupid things are done in the name of making sure your spouse has as little control as you have. The methods for doing this are most of the ones I listed in 10 Sneaky Ways Men Try to Control Their Wives and Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Pitfalls and Better Solutions.

The less extreme and far more common form of this is done selectively; either in a few areas, or only when you’re feeling especially out of control. This form is less obvious, both to the one doing it, and the victim. Think about it a bit, does this explain something your wife does from time to time? Does it explain something you do from time to time? Does it explain some problem area of your marriage?

If you’re on the receiving end of this, study your lady and try to learn to anticipate when it is going to happen. Once it happens, you’re not dealing with her at her most rational, and your best options are to try to de-escalate the situation or just walking away as best as you can. If you realise you’ve done this to your wife, try to figure out what triggers it so you have a chance of preventing it before you get too far in to see or care.

[This post first appeared Sept 10, 2012.]

Don’t Blame Your Wife for Your Choices

by The Generous Husband | Feb 22, 2024 | Audio, Be a grownup, ZIMAGE

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From time to time over on Quora, some fellow tries to excuse physically harming his wife because of her actions, words, or choices. Yes, he abused her, but it was her fault. Of course, this is what abusers do, and none of us are like that.

Or are we?

I’ve never hit my wife, so I’ve never tried to blame doing that on her. But if I’m honest, I’ve blamed her for plenty of things I CHOSE to do. Maybe I didn’t tell her it was her fault, but in my mind I told myself it was. I lost my temper, or got upset, or ignored her, or stonewalled or slow walked what she needed because of what she said or did. Yes, I treated her wrong, but it was her fault.

I’ve heard plenty of men attempt to defend treating their wife wrong by pointing to what she said, or did. That includes having an affair or using porn, yelling, denying, and refusing to do things they should do.

When we do this, we’re as wrong before God as the men who beat their wife and put the blame on her.

We can do better. We must do better.

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Resolving Marriage Issues Before the New Year

by The Generous Husband | Dec 29, 2023 | Aff Link, Be a grownup, Faith walk, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, ZIMAGE

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Before you ring out the old year and ring in the new year, is there any offence from 2023 you should deal with? This is smart across the board, but my focus is on your marriage.

I’m not talking about who’s at fault here, because really that’s not the issue. Romans 12:18 tells us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” [ESV] I take this to mean God expects us to make an effort, even if we’re not the one who has done wrong. If there are hard feelings, you need to try to resolve them. If there’s unforgiveness, you need to offer forgiveness or ask to be forgiven. If something has become a land mine you both avoid, it’s time to deal with it.

If marriage baggage from this year goes into the New Year, let it be because you tried to work it out but your spouse refused. Only then can you be free of responsibility and right before God.

[This post first appeared Dec 30, 2012.]

FIVE DOLLAR FRIDAY:

As we close out our year-end giving, I’d like to encourage those of you who have not given to toss five dollars our way. This is more than reaching our goal, we’d like the number of supporters to be in the hundreds! Of course, if you want to make it fifty dollar or five hundred dollar Friday, we won’t be upset.

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

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FF: Breaking Free From Your Past: Gaining Control When Stress Hits

by The Generous Husband | Dec 1, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Change, Do It For Her, Friday Flashback, ThePast, ZIMAGE

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Do you have a handle on your past, and what it can cause you to do or not do? When you feel the urge to react out of your past, are able to choose not to follow those urges. And if you can usually do that, do you maintain control under stress?

What we learn early in life becomes deeply rooted in our minds. These “early lessons” tend to surface when we’re stressed, or tired, or we feel out of control or threatened. When circumstances push us to our limit, self-control weakens, and we may react out of our oldest fears. This can cause us to feel threatened when there’s no real threat, or see disrespect when there’s no disrespect. We may not feel the love and concern of others, even though they are trying to express those things.

Over the next weeks, I’ll talk more about this, and what we can do about it. The first step is to own it when we slip into the past and say or do something unwarranted. Don’t excuse or blame, just admit you let the stress get to you and you did something you wish you hadn’t done. Honestly, owning it when you blow it can make your wife feel better. It’s not a solution, and you need to deal with any fallout from what you said or did, but owning your stuff shows you’re a grown up whose trying to improve.

[This post first appeared July 13, 2012.]

Donate with Check or BillPay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

Image Credit: © SHOTPRIME STUDIO | stock.adobe.com
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We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
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Friday Flashback: When Friends Hold You Back From a Better Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Nov 3, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Beyond the Marriage, Change, Friday Flashback, ZIMAGE

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I came across The ‘Busy’ Trap on the opinion pages of the on-line NY times. Since I just wrote on this, I took the time to see what the fellow had to say. The whole thing is good, but one pull quote really jumped out at me:

It’s not as if any of us wants to live like this; it’s something we collectively force one another to do.

That’s the real issue: busyness is a disease, a social disease spread by repeated contact with carriers. This means getting free of busyness may be difficult or impossible if you stay immersed in a busy culture. And even if you do get free, you could be reinfected. This is part of a bigger issue I’ve mentioned more than once – we tend to mirror the folks we hang with. You shape your friends, and they shape you. Individuality within groups is not nearly as great as we like to think. This is true of busyness, how we spend our money, how much we exercise, the kind of sex we have, and how we treat our spouse.

The hard fact is, our friends can anchor us to things we don’t like, things we would like to remove from our lives. What’s more, if you’re strong enough to change despite your friends, they may drop you because of the changes. Most groups expect certain behaviours and beliefs, and those who stray too far are marginalised or outright excommunicated.

Does all of this mean you have to choose between your friends and making changes in your life? Sometimes it really does come down to that, or at least to being willing to lose friends if that’s what it takes. The question then is what’s more important to you, your friends or being healthy; your friends or doing what’s right; your friends or your marriage? Are you ready to declare independence from the crowd and do what is right?

[This post first appeared July 4, 2012.]

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