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Resolving Marriage Issues Before the New Year

by The Generous Husband | Dec 29, 2023 | Aff Link, Be a grownup, Faith walk, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, ZIMAGE

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Before you ring out the old year and ring in the new year, is there any offence from 2023 you should deal with? This is smart across the board, but my focus is on your marriage.

I’m not talking about who’s at fault here, because really that’s not the issue. Romans 12:18 tells us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” [ESV] I take this to mean God expects us to make an effort, even if we’re not the one who has done wrong. If there are hard feelings, you need to try to resolve them. If there’s unforgiveness, you need to offer forgiveness or ask to be forgiven. If something has become a land mine you both avoid, it’s time to deal with it.

If marriage baggage from this year goes into the New Year, let it be because you tried to work it out but your spouse refused. Only then can you be free of responsibility and right before God.

[This post first appeared Dec 30, 2012.]

FIVE DOLLAR FRIDAY:

As we close out our year-end giving, I’d like to encourage those of you who have not given to toss five dollars our way. This is more than reaching our goal, we’d like the number of supporters to be in the hundreds! Of course, if you want to make it fifty dollar or five hundred dollar Friday, we won’t be upset.

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

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Devotional for a New Year: Embrace Spiritual Growth and Strengthen Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Dec 26, 2023 | Aff Link, Apply the Bible, Big Deal Post, Sharing Life, ZIMAGE

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Please see the year-end giving plea at the bottom!

Do you have a devotional for next year? Yes, I mention this the end of every year. I do that because I think it’s a big deal.

Devotionals are a great way to grow in the Lord, which is a good thing for your life and your marriage. And doing a devotional with your wife is especially good for your marriage. When I say “with” that could mean reading it together, or reading it separately and then discussing it later. My two favourites are Live in Grace, Walk in Love: A 365-Day Journey by Bob Goff and New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional by Paul David Tripp. The Goff choice is an easier and funnier read, but still hits home. The Tripp offering is theologically deeper.

I’ve downloaded Live in Grace, Walk in Love from Audible, and will make it part of my morning routine on my phone. So after I get weather, what’s on my calendar, and a fun fact about this date in history, it will play the devotional for Lori and me to hear.

I strongly urge you to find a devotional for 2024. If you do, and stick with it, you will be a better man in 2025.

GIVING:

This plea is bigger than just Lori and me. Most non-profits rely heavily on year-end giving, and that has gotten a lot less sure the last few years. Please consider the ministries and non-profits that bless you and do good things. Without donations, they have to cut back, and some will die.
Lori and I have reached 70% of our goal. We’re not in danger of going hungry, but we really need to hit our goal.

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

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Making Memories with the Grandkids and Applying it to Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Dec 19, 2023 | Aff Link, DateNight, Quality Time, ZIMAGE

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So Sunday night we took our grandsons out for the annual meal and look at Christmas lights event. This year we added their cousin. So we had three boys from five to ten for an hour plus drive both ways, plus an hour in a restaurant. Yes, we’re crazy.

It’s not something either of us was just dying to do. We’d much rather have had a peaceful meal together and then drive around to look at the lights without constant noise. But we love our grandkids. We also love their parents, who got four hours without them. We’re building memories and relationships, and because we’ve come to understand how important that is, we’re very intentional about it.

The same dynamic should be an intentional part of how you love your wife. You need to build good memories together, and you need to engage in activities together. Sometimes you will be all about those activities, and other times you will do something you have no desire to do because your wife wants to do it. A marriage can’t be strong and healthy without this kind of sacrifice from time to time.

Often we avoid doing things we don’t want to do by telling ourselves we’re too busy. But that’s a self-serving lie that only hurts those around us. Making time for what your wife wants to do with you is making time for a good marriage. Not making time for those things is telling her you don’t care about her very much.

It’s not too late to schedule a date to look at Christmas lights. If you don’t want to do a meal out too, stop for pie and coffee after, or take a thermos of hot chocolate. You should be able to find good lightseeing locations by Googling “Christmas lights in my area“.

Donations continue to come in. But we are still short by a good deal. Can you help?

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

Image Credit: © Lori Byerly
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We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Last-Minute Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Dec 18, 2023 | Acts of Service, Aff Link, Gifts, Her Needs, Quality Time, ZIMAGE

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Running out of time to get your wife a gift? Have no idea what to get her? Want to get her something that you can’t put in a box and wrap? We have you covered.

I mentioned our printable Christmas Gift Certificates in passing, but I want to highlight them today. I’m sure your wife wants something in the way of Acts of Service from you or Quality Time with you. A gift certificate is a great way to give those things. Be specific, or leave it open-ended.

A couple of ideas to make it ever better. Give her one or more that allow her to repeat any certificate. This helps you see what she most wants. Or give her an hour of your time, with no limits other than being sane and not costing too much.

This year, give yourself!

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Do Your Part Even When She’s Missing It

by The Generous Husband | Sep 19, 2023 | Aff Link, Communication, Seeing Clearly, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Over on The XY Code, I did a rerun last week that I modified based on a discussion Chris of Honeycomb & Spice and I had in the comments of the original post. I think that discussion is worth sharing with you gentlemen.

I agree that my husband should be trying to express his love in ways that make it easier for me to feel loved. I am one who used to say “you don’t love me” quite a bit, and it always hurt my husband.
Just as you say that “his loving you and you feeling loved may not go hand in hand,” I would add that knowing I am loved and feeling I am loved don’t always go hand in hand, either. I frequently observe my husband being loving to me, and those observations help me know, in my mind, that he loves me. But sometimes, those actions just don’t reach my heart–which leads to my second reservation, which is that my husband is not responsible for how I feel; I am.
No matter what he knows about making me feel loved and no matter what he does, at the end of the day, I still might not be feeling it–and that’s on my shoulders, not on his.

I replied:

Would you agree with: His part is to do his best to love you in a way you can hear/feel, and your part is to try to see his intent even when you do not feel it.

And Chris said:

Yes, that works for me.

All too often when our wife is wrong, or falling short, or not seeing things clearly, we decide that means the problem is hers. We may then decide we have no responsibility, or that there is nothing we can do. But often both spouses have missed it, and both need to do their part. When the issue is her perception, how you have presented things may be a big part of the difficulty, and you need to work to deal with that.

Doing your part better can only improve the situation!

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Improve Your Sex Life By Sharing New Experiences

by The Generous Husband | Jul 29, 2023 | Aff Link, Big Deal Post, Sexuality, Sharing Life, ZIMAGE

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Last week, I pointed to a study on how self-expansion can improve sex for a couple. Today I want to dig into that concept.

Self-expansion theory says that when we spend time with people we like, we become more like them. Our relationships change and shape our identities and perspectives. And these changes are a good thing. People who expand and grow throughout their lives are more satisfied with their lives. We crave self-expansion, and we like those who offer us a chance to do it.

As you might guess, a desire for self-expansion can be at the root of an affair. The excitement of being with the other person includes that they are different and as such give us a chance for self-expansion. The self-expansion might well be the cause of an affair, because of how it makes us feel about the other person draws us to them.

Both as a protective measure and to improve your marriage, you want to offer your wife the chance for self-expansion. To do that you have to learn, share, and do new things as a couple.

So yeah, self-expansion makes for being happier with our lives and our spouses. But it goes even further. When a couple engages in self-expression together, it causes them to feel closer, and that creates greater sexual desire for each other. Coupes who self-expand together desire each other more, and enjoy sex more. One study found that greater self-expansion lead to an increase in drive for women who have been diagnosed with clinically low sexual desire.

If this sounds like a lot of work you just can’t fit into your schedule, fear not. One study found that it only took ninety minutes a week doing new things to have the desired effect. What you do is up to you. Starting a garden together would work. You could start going to a comedy club from time to time, learn a language together, take dance lessons, or take up hiking. You could try reading together a book unlike what you usually read, or doing an in-depth study of some biblical concept. Making new friends, as a couple, or working together at a non-profit would also be good. And of course sex itself can lead to self-expression.

Further reading:

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Express Love to Your Wife Early and Often

by The Generous Husband | Jun 26, 2023 | Aff Link, Communication, Simple Ideas, Words of Affirmation, ZIMAGE

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Years ago, I heard a joke about a gruff farmer and his wife who have been married for decades. The wife was crying softly when she thought he was asleep. The farmer asks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I’m not sure that you still love me.” The farmer takes her hand and says, “Dear, I told you I loved you the day we married. If that ever changes, I’ll let you know.”

We laugh because some men are like that. Women married to such men often figure out that is just who they are and make the best of it, but it’s not what they want or need. Most women need to hear “I love you” often, and some need to hear it multiple times a day. I’ve never heard of a wife complaining her husband says it too much, so don’t hold back!

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Friday Flashback: High Drive/Low Drive Is A Harmful Dichotomy

by The Generous Husband | May 26, 2023 | Aff Link, Links to good stuff, Rethinking Sex, Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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For years, I’ve heard people talk about high drive and low drive with regard to a couple’s sex life. I’ve never been happy with those terms. To start with, the terms are completely arbitrary – is the person who wants sex three times a week the high or low drive person in the marriage? It depends on whether their spouse wants sex once a week or once a day. Another problem with the terms is they focus on physical sex drive, what is known as libido. However, libido is only one of a number of things that can move a person to want and enjoy sex. Making sexual desire only about the physical drive skews the issue in a way that hurts a couple’s sex life.

Let me offer some different ways of looking at this issue. I will pose these as if the man is the individual with the “higher drive” because my audience here is primarily male. That said, I do know a growing number of wives are struggling with wanting more sex than their husband seems interested in having.

I’m ready for sex almost any time, while she needs time to get her mind into sex.
I need sex to always include orgasm, she does not.
A significant part of my desire for sex is physical, while her desire is more emotional (or mental, or relational).
I can hit the bed running; she requires at least ______ minutes of foreplay.
I get aroused because I feel desire; she feels desire after I get her aroused. (This is actually the case for most women, and understanding this can completely change your sex life.)
I want sex more often, but she is willing to accommodate me if I don’t expect her to be as into as I am every time. (I’ve heard this from a number of women – they feel he will only take 100%, making their choice all or nothing. If she’s not feeling all, then it’s nothing, no matter how close to all she may be.
A lack of sex makes me feel unloved; a lack of love makes her feel unsexual.

How we frame things is important, and changing how you frame something can eliminate or shrink problems. Among other things, it helps to see the issues as “this versus that” rather than “good versus bad” or “right versus wrong”. Maybe the only change you need it to accept the differences. Alternatively, perhaps accepting those differences will allow you to find solutions not available before. While it is linguistically accurate to say every marriage has a high and a low drive spouse, it is a counter-productive way to think.

[This post first appeared Apr 28, 2012.]

A post worth reading:

Seth’s Blog | Choosing your pacemaker ◄ What about your marriage pacemaker?

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