2014 Marriage Upgrade - The Generous Husband

Needs

by The Generous Husband | Sep 14, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Be a grownup, Change, Her Needs, YOU4HER, Your Needs

I’ve been in many discussions about “needs”. I find people have a narrow definition of “needs” when they’re looking for an excuse not to do something. A much wider definition is common when we want others to do something for us.

Some want to define needs in terms of what is needed for survival – air, water, shelter, food. While this is technically correct in a way, it’s hardly useful for everyday life. This definition eliminates a good many things, including things we need to be mentally and physically healthy. We don’t “need” interaction with others to “survive”, but without it, we’re less happy and we will die sooner. The same is true for physical touch, encouragement, music, beauty, and many other things. God made us complex beings and living as He intended means we need many, many things.

It would be nice if men and women stopped drawing lines to exclude certain needs. Just because you don’t need something doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t need it. Just because your spouse needs something less than you do doesn’t mean you want it too much.

Start validating, honouring, and trying to meet your spouse’s needs – even if you don’t feel the same need.

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This Week’s TMB Survey:

Best Sex Ever? When, and with whom.

Last Week’s TMB Survey Results

Is There Sin in Your Marriage Bed? 28% of women and 15 & of men say yes, there is.

Great tweet of the week:

Silence and stonewalling do not resolve conflict. Find a way to talk about it. @ForBetterOrWhat

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Ferguson Values

How to Create an Abundant Marriage ◄ What does abundance mean to you?

The Generous Wife

Something Different ◄ We all know this, but we tend to forget to do it.
Care More ◄ Not easy, but important.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

5 Reasons to Stop Using Porn…Now ◄ All valid, and do NOT underestimate #2!
What’s the Aim of His Sex Drive? ◄ Could be a good article to pass on to your wife.

Husband Revolution

An Urgent Reminder For Husbands ◄ The battle is real.

refine us

So Long Perfectionism ◄ Ready to give it up?

Stupendous Marriage

He Touched My Sisters Bum ◄ Getting past the past.

Being A Student of Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Aug 26, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Understanding Her

Yesterday I mentioned being a student of your wife. I recommend every man and woman be a student of their spouse.

Some of the benefits:

The better you know her, the better you can love her.
Knowing her better will allow you to avoid some problems and minimise others.
You’ll learn to time things for the best effect. This could mean so she is more blessed, or it could mean so she’s most likely to go along with what you would like to do.
You increase your ability to communicate so she hears what you’re trying to say.
You’ll be better able to hear what she means when she speaks.

Look at being a student of your wife as detective work. Her life is full of clues, your job is to find and interpret those clues. Look for patterns. Look for recurring themes. When something seems out of place, ask yourself why and try to find the reason.

To help your sleuthing:

Keep notes. Really.
Watch how things like tiredness, stress, and her cycle affect her behaviour.
Try to find patterns based on the day of the week.
Ask her why she did something, or how she felt when she did something.
Talk to other men. Your wife is unique, but in some ways, she’s like other women.
Read anything you can about women and marriage.

Your goal is to become the worlds foremost authority on your wife!

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How Would God Have You Treat Her?

by The Generous Husband | Aug 18, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Headship/Submission, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

Yesterday in Rejecting What God Offers, I talked about how God sees you. What He thinks you should have, and how He thinks you should be treated.

What about your wife? What does God think she should have, and how does He think she should be treated? More importantly, what does He want you to give her, and how does He want you to treat her? If you’re a follower of Jesus I think this is the only standard that matters.

I regularly talk about how you should treat your wife. Often I mention that changing the way you treat her will likely change the way she treats you. I think this can make it easier to do the right thing, but it shouldn’t be the primary reason we do what God would have us do. We should treat our wife the way God wants us to treat her, regardless of what she’s doing. We should keep treating her as God says even if she doesn’t change. It has nothing to do with her; it is between God and us.

How would God have you act towards your wife? Where are you missing the target*? What does God say your wife should receive from you? Where are you falling short?

The next time you’re upset by how your wife is treating you, or what she’s failing to give you, stop, and pray. Ask God how you should react to what your wife is not doing.

Work on being the husband God wants you to be, and let Him worry about making her the wife He wants her to be.

*The Greek word we translate as “sin” means, “miss the mark”.

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Is She Good Willed?

by The Generous Husband | Jun 3, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Good Marriage, Seeing Clearly, Series, Understanding Her, Your Needs

In the Love and Respect Live Marriage Conference DVDs Emerson Eggerichs repeatedly talks about “good willed” husbands and wives. I think this is a critical concept, and I don’t see it addressed nearly often enough.

Do you think your wife wants what’s best for you? Is doing what she thinks she can reasonably do to make marriage better for you? Regardless of how poorly she may be doing, do you think her desire it be respectful and supportive? If so, she’s good willed. If you think she’s out to get you or is just so selfish she doesn’t care, she’s not good willed.

How should you treat a good willed wife? How much forgiving and grace are reasonable when your wife is good willed? I’d say a good willed wife should receive plenty of both! She should receive the benefit of the doubt on every occasion, and you should assume she intends love unless you have overwhelming evidence she does not. When one of you is upset, assume she misunderstood you or you misunderstood her. Sure she can hurt you without intending to do so, but if she’s good willed you shouldn’t have your shields at full all the time.

Being good willed is an across the board thing – either she is or she is not. Don’t tell yourself she’s good willed in most areas but is not good willed in a few. If she’s good willed, then those few areas where she’s driving you crazy aren’t intentional. While it may seem she’s out to get you, she’s not. In those areas, she’s clueless or wounded. Because she’s good willed she will likely change if she gains understanding and/or healing. Threats and ultimatums are a poor choice in this situation, as they by-pass her good willed nature.

If your wife is good willed, she deserves a certain kind of treatment from you. Is she getting it?

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What Are You Sowing in Your Wife?

by The Generous Husband | Apr 27, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Communication, Good Marriage

I was reading the parable of the sower recently, and as is my want, I thought about how it could apply to marriage.

You sow into your wife daily. Your words are seeds, and many of those seeds will take root and grow. Some will not sprout, and some will not come to fruit, but many will produce a harvest. If you sow careless, rude, or angry words, you’ll harvest something you do not want. If you take care to sow words of love, encouragement, and generosity, you’ll reap a harvest of blessings.

You could also go beyond tossing out seed and hoping for the best. Learn to cultivate your wife’s soil. Water the seeds you want to grow, and pull weeds as soon as you see them. Plant truth and weed out lies. Water love and grace, and protect them from harsh conditions. Work for a good harvest so you can both enjoy the sweet fruits of your labours.

Every word you speak to your wife is a seed. Which are good, and which should you not plant?

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This Week’s TMB Survey:

Sexual Abuse Survey For all women AND MEN, abused or not.

Last Week’s TMB Survey Results

Circumcision and Sex Act Preference Some small differences in what intact and cut men prefer.

Great tweet of the week:

Your attitude is YOUR responsibility regardless of what your spouse has or hasn’t done for you. -RCS @PressurePts

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

New blog this week – Bowling With Ed. My lovely wife ran across this blog a few weeks ago. Not always marriage focused, but great thoughts every time.

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:

Chance Scoggins postedI Quit! ◄ A great less is more post with a strong marriage message.

Black and Married with Kids

If There is an Attack on Marriage, We Might Be Personally Leading the Army ◄ Deal with your stuff before you blame Satan.
The Most Damaging Words & Phrases Ever Said in a Marriage ◄ If either of you says these things, you have trouble.

Bowling With Ed

Why My Wife’s Job Is Harder Than Mine ◄ Being a SAHM is a tough job!
5 Things You Should Always Say to Your Spouse ◄ Plenty of wisdom here.
Advice on Love from The Princess Bride ◄ Looking for trew love?

Ferguson Values

10 Benefits of Perkiness in Marriage ◄ Should you be perkier?

The Generous Wife

Say Something ◄ Follow sex with some loving words.
Zing ◄ How could you put some zing in your marriage?
Running Interference ◄ A very practical gift.
The Talking Pillow ◄ This silly game could be a huge blessing for your wife.

Leading Men Only

Work Doesn’t Pay: Confessions Of A Workaholic ◄ A must read post for anyone working 50 plus hours a week.

One Flesh Marriage

Marriage on Minecraft ◄ Is your play in balance?

refine us

30 Something Things I Love About Trisha Davis ◄ A great way to say happy birthday to your wife.
Check Your Texts ◄ Texts can get you in trouble.

The Romantic Vineyard

Walking Wednesdays ◄ Grab her hand and take a walk.

Safe at home

Risk and Change: You Can’t Grow Without Them ◄ Is fear of risk holding you back?

Stupendous Marriage

100 – Thanks to You ◄ My favourite podcast hits 100!
My Husband Doesn’t Understand my Feelings ◄ Another great episode.

Are You Winning her Heart Daily?

by The Generous Husband | Apr 8, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Change, Seeing Clearly

In the “What Your Wife Wants You to Know” survey, several women said something to the effect of “Treat me the way you did before we were married.”

I’ve heard it said men are all about conquest. Once they marry a woman they’ve “won her” and go on to other conquests. I think there’s a good deal of truth in that. We should also see it as a warning. Just as you married your wife for who she was when you were dating, she married you for who you were back then. Did you change how you treated her once she became your wife? Can you understand why she might be unhappy about such a change?

I hear many men complain their wife has changed over the years. Most have a valid complaint, but what about how they’ve changed? Who change first? Might some of her changes be a reaction to his changes? Some of his changes are likely a reaction to her changes, but shouldn’t he have stood strong despite her changes?

Think back: What’s changed? Regardless of who changed it, what can you do to change it back?

Be the man she fell in love with. Not for what you might get, but because it’s the right thing to do. Be a man of your word by being who you portrayed yourself to be when you were chasing her.

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Have You Validated Your Wife Today?

by The Generous Husband | Apr 2, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Encouragement, Gratitude, Her Needs, XY link

One of the things mentioned in the What Your Wife Wants You to Know? survey was the need to be validated.

We all have self-doubts, and most of us are fighting past failures. We need validation not just to feel good, but also to give us direction. We need to know when we’ are on the right path, and we need to be encouraged to keep going.

It seems women struggle more with not feeling validated than men do. Some of this is the negative messages they get from the world – and the church. I think women are also more affected by these messages because they’re more socially minded. Regardless of why, your wife probably needs validation even more than you do. This is especially true if she’s a stay at home mom.

In order to validate her, you must know what she’s doing. You have to listen to her, and she must know you have heard her. Validate the same thing more than once and in more than one way. If she argues with you, don’t allow it to become a fight. Just tell her it’s how you see her and move on.

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The Desires of Your Heart

by The Generous Husband | Mar 30, 2014 | 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Change

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” [Psalm 37:4 ESV]

Does this mean God will give us anything we desire? We know it doesn’t. If we are delighting in the Lord, our desires will be in line with His will.

I’ve always taken this further. I think God can create in us desires for things He wants us to have. I can’t support that biblically, but I have no doubt God can change what we want, and even change our emotions – if we let Him.

A human example: Your child doesn’t like vegetables. You know they need a balanced diet. Imagine if you could change their taste buds so they enjoyed vegetables. Then they would take pleasure in something they needed! In some areas, we do shape our children’s desire somewhat but think how much better God would be at it.

If God wants to change your desires and feelings about your marriage, are you willing? If He wanted to give you a deeper, more sacrificial love for your wife would you be okay with that? If He wanted to remove a wrong sexual desire, would you say yes? What about something not wrong your wife is never going to enjoy? Would you like Him take that, and remove the tension caused by the desire?

Lord, please change my heart to be what you know is best for me. Give me the right feelings and desires for my wife, and remove what should not be there.

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