Our society is increasingly willing to settle for less than the best. Marriage is a particularly bad place to apply “good enough”.
Among other things, men and women tend to have a different idea of what good enough looks like. Her good enough bar for sex may be lower than yours, but in many other places, she sets the bar higher. If it’s just good enough for you, it likely is not good enough for her.
I would argue these are gender-based differences put in us by God. He gave you a higher bar for sex to ensure the two of you have a good healthy sex life. He gave your wife a higher bar for relationship to ensure the two of you have a good solid marriage.
Doing well enough for her where she sets the bar higher seems to me to be the right thing to do. Anything less is selfish and unloving. You married her to bless and fulfil her, didn’t you?
Recently our pastor mentioned a true story about a church split. The two sides went to court (really?) but the court sent it back to the denomination. The denomination made a decision, but also tried to determine what caused the split. The conflict started at a church dinner when an elder received a smaller piece of ham than the child next to him did.
A church split over a serving of ham! Of course, it really split over the fallout from “the ham event”, and from all the hidden anger and agendas served up with the ham.
The same thing happens in marriages. Some ridiculously small and insignificant event causes undue offence. The offence is not addressed to the satisfaction of the one offended, and resentment sets in. The one who feels “wronged” withdraws. S/he feels justified in withholding what their spouse wants. Their spouse feels hurt and retaliates in kind. Both individuals look for additional wrongs to add to their score sheet. Pride keeps either from backing down. Years of anger follow, with each being 100% sure they are the innocent victim.
If you are in this ugly cycle, please crucify your pride and do whatever it takes to end the situation. It doesn’t matter what started it or who was wrong first. This sort of downward spiral feeds on selfishness, and it can only grow when both spouses are selfish. Regardless of who started it, you are both guilty of keeping it alive. Either of you can end it.
As I’ve said before, the mature spouse does more in the marriage. Be the mature one and end it!
Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, and give our shirt when someone takes our coat. If we’re to do these things with our enemies, how much more should be doing them with our wives? Do what’s right even when she’s wrong.
I recently heard from a man who is struggling to find time to be with his wife. In addition to his job, and her being a full-time mother and housewife, they serve a great deal at their church. They’re both frustrated at how little time they have together.
I hear this often and see it even more. Some see the problem, some do not. Sometimes one spouse sees it as a problem, while the other does not. Maybe they both see the problem, but neither of them has any idea how to make a change.
The only answer is to do less; probably a lot less. The problem is figuring out what to stop doing. The reality is you’re going to upset people – accept that and move on. People being upset is far less important than your marriage. Likewise, most of what you are doing is less important than your marriage. I would argue most (all?) of what you do for your church, or any other ministry, is less important than your marriage. Damaging or destroying your marriage in the name of serving the Lord is wrong and completely contrary to what the Bible says.
You and your wife will have to figure out what to cut out, but here are a few common things that eat time:
Church activities: I am all about being in a church and being active, but if you feel you must attend more than two church events a week, I suggest you rethink.
Ministry: I’ve been doing marriage ministry for over sixteen years, but if it regularly hurt or limited my marriage, I would walk away. There are, or should be, different seasons of ministry. When your life is otherwise crammed full you may need to limit the ministry you do.
Children’s activities: Sports, dance, music lessons, extracurricular school activities, clubs and so on are good, and I think children need some of these to become healthy, well-rounded adults. However, these events can easily become so many they hurt the marriage, the family, and even the children. Several recent studies have found that most children are too busy and it is hurting their minds and their bodies.
Recreation, clubs, sports, and so on: Again, you and your wife need some of this to be healthy, but not at the expense of your marriage. Things you do together are usually less of a problem since you are together, but you also need time for just the two of you.
Social Media, games, surfing the web, television et. al.: You know I’m not against these things, but if a person spends several hours a day doing these then says they are “too busy” for their spouse, something’s wrong.
Work: I know, I know, you have to pay your bills. Most of us are spending far more money than necessary to have a good, healthy life. Nothing wrong with that, unless it means we have to work an extra job or a lot of over time. For example, having a boat for family fun on the weekends is great, but if the kids only see dad on the weekends because he is always working to pay for the families’ toys and lifestyle choices, is the boat really a good choice?
I realise I’ve stepped on some toes here, but if you’re doing some of these and can’t find time for your wife I think someone needs to step on your toes. Your marriage is extremely important, and you should be ready to cut lose just about anything to keep it healthy.
Recently I’ve seen the issue of control a number of times. In my own life, in the lives of others, in the books I’m reading, on-line, and even in my dreams. I figure it’s not suddenly everywhere, rather I’m more aware of it because God wants to deal with me about control. Oh joy.
We all want to be in control of our lives. We want self-determination. We want to know where we are going and we want to be free to change directions whenever we feel like it. There are several problems with this, especially when we take it too far. A few of the big problems:
The more I’m in control, the less control my wife has in our marriage and in her own life. I can exert control at her expense, or try to exert control and end up in a power struggle.
Some things are beyond my control. Trying to exert control over those things is frustrating at best, and it can be downright destructive.
I think the Bible says something about God wanting to be in control of my life.
Are you trying to control your life or marriage in places where control isn’t possible? Are you controlling your life or marriage in ways you should not?
It is often the conversations that we DON’T have, which single-handedly hold the power to hurt a marriage. @mrgwrks
Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:
Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week: Leadership Freak posted Servant not Slave ◄ This is written for businessmen people, but it is an excellent explanation of what a husband should look like.
When we know our emotions and take the time to feel them and think through them we can be in control. When we’re not aware of our emotions they can easily allow us to get into bad situations, and can push us to do things we shouldn’t.
If my wife were neglecting me, and I’d thought about it and how it makes me feel and had worked through it in my mind, I think I would be rather unlikely to fall into adultery. On the other hand, if I were stuffing my pain and not working through my feelings in my own mind I think I would be far, far more in danger of cheating.
Buried emotions are like land mines scattered across our lives. We can get hurt by stepping on them, and others can be hurt by us when they step on them. A common result/sign of buried emotions is anger that seems to come out of no place for a minor issue.
I know dealing with “bad” emotions is no fun, and I get why it’s tempting to stuff them. Unfortunately, they always catch up to us, and when they do it almost always ends badly for us.
Are you in touch with your emotions? If not, learning to be will make you a much better husband.
When you think about sex, about what are you thinking? And, who fills those thoughts?
Back in December, I did a survey on Premarital Porn Use. The numbers are scary! Half of men under 35 masturbated to porn more than 500 times before marriage and a third did it more than 1000 times! What we have in our minds when we are aroused affects our thinking, and what we are looking at and thinking about when we orgasm is even more powerful. Masturbating to porn hundreds of times hurts your ability to connect sexually with your wife; long before you met her, you had well established sexual preferences – preferences your wife may be unwilling or unable to fulfil.
This week I am doing a survey on sexual fantasies (you can participate here), and the early results are eye opening. Just 24% of men say they only fantasise about their wife while another 24% fantasise about someone else more than a quarter of the time.
What you do when you have sex with your wife is only part of your sex life. Your past sexuality (including porn), and your current thoughts, fantasies, and any porn use are a part of your sex life too. We can’t put these parts in separate boxes; they mix, mingle, and colour each other.
Odds are your thoughts and attitudes about sex are a much bigger problem than you have been willing to accept. Your thoughts and attitudes strongly influence your wife’s sexuality – be that for good or bad. I’m not letting her off the hook for her choices, but if what’s in your mind has been pushing her away from wanting or enjoying sex you need to accept and deal with that.
What happens in your mind has a great deal to do with the quality of your sex life. Your wife doesn’t have to know what you’re seeing or thinking, it will show through in how you approach her sexually. If you have years of sexual garbage it will take some real effort to change, but you can do it if you are willing.
Controlling what you see sexually is good; controlling what you think is far better. If you want to bless your wife, and/or if you want a great sex life, you must learn to control your sexual thoughts.
Have you been invited to a number of Christmas parties this year? Attending all of them could be bad for your marriage!
I know a very few couples where both husband and wife are all about parties, but this is a rare animal indeed. Odds are one of you is far less into partying than the other, which can lead to problems. Aside from how many parties you attend, there’s how long you spend at each party. Another possible problem is leaving an introverted spouse on their own – especially in a group where they don’t know many people. Being too loud or telling embarrassing stories or jokes are other issues.
It may seem these problems are just part of the season and the damage is limited to the season. This may be true the first couple of times, but frustration and resentment will build and then the damage from Christmas parties may become the gift that keeps on giving.
If you have no problem with your party schedule, then odds are your spouse does. Have a talk, and really listen to her concerns.
It may be too late to cut back on parties for this year, but you do not have to show up early and stay late. What’s more, you can choose how you behave. Some self-control for the sake of your spouse is likely to be appreciated, and it will probably be rewarded in some way in time.
Bottom Line: Party on, dude, but be excellent to your spouse!
If you and your wife are both Christians, the odds are very good she would like you to pray with her more. For her, it’s a form of intimacy, and like any intimacy it makes her feel more connected to you.
Does praying together make you feel uncomfortable? I get it (see I Love God, I’m Just Private About it), but “I’m not comfortable” is a poor reason to avoid intimacy. Start small, but do start.
