1 + 1 = 1 - The Generous Husband

Ready To Come Out Of Your Cages?

by The Generous Husband | Feb 22, 2022 | 1 + 1 = 1, Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Links to good stuff, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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A couple of weeks ago I was introduced to the group “We The Kingdom” via their song “Cages“. You can watch the video, or just run through some of the lyrics below.

What if I got real honest?
What if I took a risk?
What if I opened up my heart
And let you see in?
What if I took my mask off?
Trying to fit in
I don’t wanna be a mannequin

…

I’m so tired of pretending
I’m comin’ out of my cages
I’m steppin’ down from my stages
I’m sick and tired of faking it
What I wouldn’t give to be known
What I wouldn’t give to be known

Have you ever felt “What I wouldn’t give to be known”? I suspect we have all felt that way. We want someone to know us fully and still love us. We know God does that, but we long for another person to do that. And most of us would like to have that with our wife.

You can make an effort to have this by following the suggestions in the song. Get real honest. Take a risk. Open up your heart, take off your mask, and let your wife really see you.

And yes, there’s a risk. But if your wife doesn’t know who you really are, how can she really love you? What if she keeps loving you when you’re honest? What if she loves you even more? What if your wife follows your lead and takes off her mask too?

God calls a married couple to cleave and becomes one. We can’t do that if we hide behind a mask. Are you ready to come out of your cages and down off your stages so you can have the kind of marriage God intended you to have?

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Opening our hearts as a path toward romance ◄ Romance is about sharing your heart.

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My Sexuality Ended When I Got Married

by The Generous Husband | Aug 14, 2021 | 1 + 1 = 1, Links to good stuff, Rethinking Sex, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

No, I’m not telling you sex stopped when I got married.

When I was single, it was my sexuality. I was 100% in charge. If I felt like masturbating, I did it. If I wanted to make it fast, it was fast. If I wanted to make it last a long time, I did.

When I got married my sexuality ended. Same for Lori’s sexuality. When we become one, our sexuality also become one. No more my sexuality and her sexuality, it was our sexuality.

I used to eat what I wanted when I wanted, but when I got married we did most meals together. That required some discussion and some compromise. Meals were more complicated because there were now two people involved. Sex is the same; there are now two people, each with their own timing, preferences, and desires. If either person dominates “our” sexuality that is selfish and it means the other is not getting what they want and thus not enjoying sex as much as they should. As with food and so many other things in marriage, the solution is discussion and compromise by both spouses. Because you can’t read each other’s minds, and because men and women are different sexually, getting this to work requires a good deal of talking. Sadly most of us fell well short of that early in our marriages and many are still paying for that failure. It’s never too late, but it’s more difficult the longer you take to do it.

BTW, the idea of our sexuality is why I have a problem with solo masturbation. It’s going back to my sexuality and that hurts our sexuality.

A post worth reading:

The Generous Wife | Love Makes Room ◄ Speaking of give and take…

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Friday Flashback: Change Your Outlook, Change Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | May 21, 2021 | 1 + 1 = 1, Friday Flashback, Links to good stuff, Quality Time, ZIMAGE

I often mention the need for couples to take vacations together. The CNN article Why your brain needs vacations takes the idea much further. The article says “…many people have epiphanies when they travel because they can view their life back home from a more detached, outsider’s view.”

One part of life that we can see differently when we vacation is our marriage. Getting out of the “rut”, having more time together, less we have to do, less stress, and more sleep, and possibly more sex all change our perspective. Even a couple of days is good, a week is much better. And if you can do it without the kids, that’s way better.

Long vacations help some couples reconnect. Others “remember” why they love each other. Some get radical and decide to make major life changes based on what they discovered during a long vacation.

The last few years Lori and I have taken at least a week-long vacation for our anniversary. The first time we did it, it seemed extravagant, and not something we would do every year. However, that first weeklong time away together was so great we have made it a yearly event. After several years, I think we would scrimp on many things to make it possible to do a week of vacation; it’s that good for us.

I realise not everyone can do this. For years, it was not an option for us for several reasons. However, if we knew then what we know now, we would have done as many days as we could. And we would have gotten to a week much earlier. I no longer see this as a luxury; it’s an important investment in our marriage.

What would your life and marriage look like during a week away? What might you change? How might your marriage improve? There’s only one way to find out!

[This post first appeared June 08, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Heaven Made Marriage | Be a Treasure Hunter ◄ Seek, see, and speak!

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Marriage Distress Tolerance

by The Generous Husband | May 20, 2021 | 1 + 1 = 1, Be a grownup, ZIMAGE

Distress tolerance is our ability to manage real or perceived emotional distress. How well do we cope? Do we do things we should not to make the distress go away? Do our reactions actually tend to make the situation worse?

In general, my distress tolerance is good to great. But that has not been the case in my marriage.

I hate any kind of conflict between Lori and me. And my lack of tolerance for us being at odds has caused us both a lot of trouble. I used to push to resolve things ASAP because I needed everything to be okay. This often meant my pushing Lori faster than she could process. It also meant some long sleepless nights. Looking back I can see that some things didn’t get resolved, Lori just retreated to get me to calm down. Which meant we just did the same thing again later.

I still hate being at odds with my wife, but I have grown up enough to realise my approach to this has been wrong. So I have learned to hold it in and give her the time she needs so we can really deal with whatever.

Other ways of dealing badly with low marriage distress tolerance are anger, controlling and manipulation, withdrawal, and self-medicating with alcohol, porn, videogames, and the like.

If your tolerance for distress with your wife is low, it’s making life difficult for both of you and you need to do something about that. The first step is to decide you will stop doing whatever you do when you feel too much marital distress. Then work on better ways of dealing with it when such things happen. Getting to where the distress is less significant is a major change and you might need some professional help. But you can decide to stop making your wife miserable.

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Practice Cleaving This Holiday Season

by The Generous Husband | Nov 15, 2020 | 1 + 1 = 1, Links to good stuff, Sharing Life, ZIMAGE

God was very clear that when we get married, we leave our family of origin and cleave to our spouse. Cleave is defined as adhering firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.

When you’re with family this holiday season, keep in mind that your wife is supposed to come before family. That means defending her if needed. It means not letting her get teased to a degree that hurts her. It also means not ignoring her.

On a practical level, help her with whatever she is doing. Or ask her to go for a walk around the block with you – and make it just the two of you. If you’re not at your home, look for an opportunity for the two of you to run to the store when someone thinks of something missing. Be proactive about making time with her and be willing to show that preference to your family.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Love mercy ◄ Show deep kindness and compassion even when others don’t deserve it.

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The Power Of Helping

by The Generous Husband | Nov 4, 2020 | 1 + 1 = 1, Acts of Service, Beyond the Marriage, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

I came across this image while looking for something else and I just had to use it. The Amish insure their buildings for just the cost of materials. If something burns down people show up from all over to rebuild it. If you look at the barn-raising in the image, you can see more than 70 men working together on a barn. The vast majority of a barn-raising is done in one day!

A very large barn in a day. That’s amazing!

What could you accomplish with some significant help? Better yet, what could others accomplish with your help, or you and your wife’s help? What if you got half your church involved? What amazing thing could you do for an older couple or single mom on a shoestring budget?

As Bob Goff says, Love Does.

A post worth reading:

YouTube | Ohio Amish Barn Raising ◄ Watch a barn being build in ten hours, compressed to three minutes.

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Stand Towards The Centre

by The Generous Husband | Nov 3, 2020 | 1 + 1 = 1, Faith walk, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

Due to high lumber costs, as in three times normal, our house addition is stalled. I got the floor joists in, and the sheeting under it which will help hold insulation and keep out mice. But the flooring is way too expensive, and without the floor I can’t do the walls. And then it snowed and snow blew into the floor. That’s going to be a problem!

So I found some OSB at $24 a sheet, which is horrible but better than any I’ve seen in months, to put on the posts as a temporary wall to keep out the snow. The only problem was my son is working 12 plus hours days and I didn’t want to bother him for help. Nor was I excited about doing it in the dark. So I got Lori to help.

The three top sheets were about six feet above the ground. My son and I could toss them up there with ease, but Lori is shorter and not nearly as strong. If we each held an end she couldn’t lift the sheet, so I stood closer to the middle so I was taking most of the weight. (I could lift the sheets myself, but not control where they went that far up.)

So yeah, I did more than half the work. However, I could not have done it on my own. The “less than half” my wife provided made the difference between getting it done and not.

When we look at marriage based on how much we put in versus how much our wife puts in, she sometimes loses out. Looking at marriage as a team event which would not be possible without her part is a better way to go. If you need to stand towards the centre and take more of the weight, do it!

A post worth reading:

Gary Thomas | The Latte Factor ◄ A nice bit of balance!

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Make Some Fun

by The Generous Husband | Jul 23, 2020 | 1 + 1 = 1, Good Marriage, Intimacy, ZIMAGE

Life is crazy right now and it’s easy to feel down or get shut down.

Make a point of having some fun with your wife. Be intentional about it, think about how to add a bit of fun.

Fun is good for you, it’s good for her, and it’s good for your marriage. Win, win, win!

A post worth reading:

Knowing Her Sexually | The Myth of Make-up Sex ◄ It may not do for her what it does for you.

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