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Today, I want to impress on you that while your wife’s needs are different from your needs, they are just as valid.
When I say needs, I mean what she needs from you to feel loved and cared for. You do want her to feel loved and cared for, don’t you?
We tend to dismiss our wife’s needs because they are different. We don’t understand why they’re important because we don’t understand what’s behind them. We may not consciously dismiss her needs, but odds are we don’t see her needs to be as valid as our needs. And that hurts her and damages our marriage.
Even if her needs are based on fear, trauma, or lack from her childhood years, they are valid. Failing to meet those needs won’t make them go away. She may stop asking, but that doesn’t mean she is less hurt by not having the needs met.
On the other hand, if you meet needs that are based on her past, you put her in a better place to deal with what’s behind those needs. Over time, some of those needs will fade away. And new healthier needs may arise.
Either you meet her needs, or you do not. And why you do or don’t is irrelevant to her.
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Coming up to our 45th anniversary.
I have been trying to meet my wife’s ‘needs’ for many years and it makes no positive difference at all. Sometimes the effect is very negative and is regarded with suspicion.
Her greatest ‘need’ is to have no sex in any shape or form. We have had lots of ‘counselling’ both Christian and other and none of of it has been of any lasting benefit; some has actually been harmful.
I can relate to you. Married 20 yrs. Not always been the best husband, no drawn out fighting for yrs. No infidelity. Have not always been as supportive as I should be. According to my wife I am an awesome husband. I don’t adhere to gender roles. Nothing at home that I do not help with. Definitely do more at home than my wife does. I do almost everything she asks without question. Go anywhere she wants, visit anyone she wants, eat where she wants etc. etc. Trying to meet any need she has not benefited me/us much.
I essentially only ask for three things ever. Allow my church attendance, tolerate me spending limited time with family and sex. All is good as long as I don’t want sex.
I would love to go to counseling. Maybe it would help me be better husband. But counseling is off the table. I’ll keep striving to meet any she need she has, this is what God requires of me. I will also continue to suffer in silence.