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Let’s talk about ageing parents. This is a common marriage problem for middle age couples, and it seems to be getting worse.
There are plenty of potential struggles. It could be mom’s memory, or that dad should no longer be driving. It might be health issues, or a parent who can no longer live alone but still wants to. Some parents fight help they need, while others expect their kids to give up their lives to be there for every little thing.
If you and your wife are in agreement, and both work to do what you think is right, it will be difficult. But it’s not going to derail your marriage. However, real problems can arise when you and your wife don’t agree about what is needed, or how much you should be doing.
We are told to honour our parents, and I certainly think helping them as they age is a part of that. But there must be boundaries. Expecting you to regularly drive across the state, or fly across the country, is unacceptable. We told Lori’s mom we would gladly care for her, if necessary, but she would have to move to us for that.
You have to decide what are real needs that no one else is going to meet. And you have to consider the time and energy your kids and your marriage need from you.
Additionally, your parents have to be reasonable to you and your wife. And her parents need to be reasonable with both of you too. Don’t put up with abuse or bad-mouthing.
If you’re not yet in this season, this is the time to talk with your wife about what’s to come. It’s also a great time to start setting better boundaries. If you’re already in this, ongoing discussions are critical. If the two of you can’t find common ground, you might need to get some help.
Sacrificing your marriage for parents is both wrong and unbiblical!
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One thing to note is that many times, due to dementia and other issues, the kids can’t require that Mom & Dad not bad-mouth them or abuse them. Often the dementia/etc. takes control, it seems, and while one can push back a bit, sometimes you just need to understand they can’t do any better–but at the same time, you need to understand that when they cannot do any better, it’s getting to be time to get power of attorney or guardianship to protect them from themselves. And legally speaking, it’s intentionally tough to get that–you have hearings and other things to prevent kids who “want to get their inheritance early” from doing so via this process.
We might joke that getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, but it beats the alternative.
@Robert Perry – Valid points. A loving parent gives their kids power of attorney while they still have the mind to do so.