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I’ve mentioned the importance of a couple’s vacation before. And I will do so again.
I know you’ve a long list of reasons you can’t possibly do it. I can only counter with this: doing it is very good for your marriage. You need a chance to get away together and be a couple. You need to do this away from friends, and you especially need to do it away from family, including children. Getting away together lets you remember how things used to be. That can help you put some of what you’ve lost back into your marriage when you return from vacation. A low stress, non-busy vacation will greatly reduce your stress level, which is good for your marriage. A vacation gives you a chance to clear the air, and to dream about the future. A vacation also allows you to do things together and build shared experiences.
Find a way to get a couple vacation each year. Talk friends and family into taking the kids. Go somewhere you can drive. Get a low-cost motel. Pack your meals. Give something up so you can save the necessary money. Do.Whatever.It.Takes.
[This post first appeared Oct 1, 2012.]
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annual vacation – what if one partner has a chronic illness which means any sort of vacation is simply not possible?
So much of your ‘advice’ is just hurtful and unrealistic.
@C J Wharton – I am so sorry for your situation. Can you do a staycation? Or “travel” by Internet?
Sincere question here. What if there was never a “how things used to be?” Marriage resources seem to assume there was at least *some* time in the past when things were hot and heavy, even if only during the first year or so of marriage. Those resources refer to those times by descriptions like “when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other.” And then they say “but we know all couples tend to lose that hot and heavy time,” and then their advice intends to help you rediscover those times. But what if you have never had such times as a couple, ever? What if there’s no hot and heavy to “rediscover”? What if there has never been a time where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other? Not early years of marriage. Not even during dating. Not even during engagement. Not only does she experience no spontaneous desire, she experiences no responsive desire. I asked her if she has ever felt “horny” for me. She said, “no.” Great relational dynamics otherwise, no past sexual trauma, and she orgasms easily. It’s just that she doesn’t even think about it, doesn’t “desire me in that way” as she puts it. Have you ever heard of this? Someone who simply has never felt sexual attraction for people, including me? What is one to do?
@Trey – We talked with a couple where the woman thinks she is asexual. But she felt sex was important for marriage, so she did it regularly for years, even though she didn’t climax. Then more than a decade after they married, she learned to orgasm, and they started to have sex nightly. And that became the norm.
She still never feels desire for her husband, although she greatly loves him. But she has learned that if she has sex, she will get aroused and climax. She is sad she never feels horny, but has learned to live with it, and they have a much better sex life than most.
So yeah, it happens. And it can work.
I can identify with what Trey says. My wife doesn’t think sex is important in marriage and she actively resists any ‘advances’ from me. Married 44 years. She refuses to talk about it and anyway talking only leads to trouble. She hates orgasms and doesn’t want them. We have had lots of ‘counselling’ including from Doctors and from our church and it just caused more trouble.
She was raped probably by her father as a teen but I don’t think she is consciously aware of it. She has had ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for 28 years.