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In, What do you mean by “need”? I said I felt sorry for anyone living with a spouse who only felt they had to meet needs, not wants. Of course, it’s not that clear in most marriages.
We’re happy to give what we like to give, and what’s not too difficult for us to give. We don’t quibble over those things being wants or needs. We start to draw those lines when our spouse expresses a desire for something we don’t want to do, don’t enjoy doing, find difficult, or don’t value. When we’re unwilling, we argue about wants vs needs.
Often we argue this in our minds to justify our actions. We think, “I give her what she needs, and a lot of what she wants.”. Never mind, you do not give her three of the four things she most desires. You give her some things that are less important to her, thinking that somehow makes up for it. Of course, if she fails to meet any of your top desires, you get upset. But that’s different, right? What we want is reasonable, what she wants is not. What we want should be easy for her, while some of what she wants is very difficult for us. She has more free time, or less stress in her life, or… well there has to be some reason why it is so wrong for her to say no and so understandable for me to say no!
Or, perhaps we’re just selfish? I know I certainly am!
Here’s a plan: spend less time looking for reasons why it is okay to not meet her wants and needs, and more time meeting those desires. Treat them all as valid needs, and focus on those she says are the most important. If she wants it, it’s not wrong, and it won’t cause problems (including but not limited to financial problems) then do everything in your power to give it to her.
Might this result in her starting to do the same for you? It almost certainly will: but don’t do it for that reason. Do it because it is the right thing to do. Do it because you love her. Do it because she deserves it. Become a radical husband!
[This post first appeared Sept 19, 2012.]
Image Credit: © kikkerdirk | stock.adobe.com
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