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On Thursday, I said hurting our wives always harms our marriages. Today I want to give a real life, bedroom example.
You want sex. You ask if she is interested in having sex. She says no. And you get angry, or moody, or ignore her for the next 24 hours.
Any of these reactions hurts your wife. But they do more than that. They make you seem selfish, or childish, or manipulative. And any of these things makes you less sexy, which decreases her interest in sex in the future. And that harms your marriage.
I suspect most of us can identify with this example. And we could argue it’s a natural reaction. But it being natural doesn’t make it right or good. Being natural doesn’t change how it makes us look, how she feels about that, or that it makes us less sexually desirable.
If you’re trying to make her feel bad, or guilt her into sex, odds are she knows that’s what you’re doing. And that’s even worse for her and for your marriage.
Doing things that hurt your wife is destructive. Learn to do better.
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I had reactions like you described not that long ago. I realized the error of my actions and apologized for behaving as such. I still struggle with the rejection aspect of sex. After dealing with years consistent rejection, I have learned that my reaction has way more to do with being hurt than being childish or selfish. I only initiate when I am exhausted emotionally and cannot fight the sexual urges off. This occurs about every 7-14 days. Love making occurs about once every 24 to 28 days. The hurt is there but I bury it in my emotions.
@Chris B – I’m so very sorry. I’d be tempted to start asking sooner, when not yet emotionally fried.
Ok, but what do you do when nothing changes regardless?
@Matt – You decide if you can live like that. Then you either 1) give an ultimatum with a clear consequence you will follow through on, or 2) decide this is your life and figure out how to make the best of it.
I agree – completely – that I am accountable for how I respond to rejection.
But – there is rejection, and then there is rejection.
“Lets make a date to make love this weekend ” – “NO!” (or silence, or one of the vague noises she makes that mean no, when she wants to avoid using the word no.)
Is very different from
“Lets make a date to make love this weekend ” – “I’m so stressed, I just can’t. Come cuddle with me on the sofa while we watch our show.”
Those two reactions from her, will generate two very different feelings in me.
All she has to do is say yes to *me* in some *small* way, to turn that into a loving interaction. What that positive response is, is almost irrelevant. Just respond to me positively.