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Let’s apply the idea of needs to sex. If we modify our definition for that, we get:
A sexual need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy sex life.
One of your wife’s top sex needs is for her to be the only woman you see naked.
You may not think that’s a valid need, but it is. Even women who don’t see porn as sinful struggle with this. She wants you to only have eyes for her. She wants to be enough for you. When you look at porn, or stare at half-naked women on the street, you tell her she is not and can not be enough for you sexually. And that causes her to not try, because we don’t put effort into a lost cause.
If you stop seeking visual sexual arousal from other sources, your wife will feel better about you, and about your sex life. That can only make sex better.
If you decide to change, I suggest you just do it, and don’t say a word. When you have gone three months, tell her you have not looked at porn in three months, and you don’t intend to do so ever again. Don’t ask for or expect anything from her for that, just let her know. If you have years of looking at other woman naked, it’s going to take time for her to adjust.
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That rather assumes that your wife actually has any sexual needs. Not all wives do.
@C J Wharton – True asexuality is rare – no more than 1% of the population. It is far more common for a woman to repress her sexual feeling due to fear, past experiences, or bad teaching growing up. Today’s post talks about how women can disconnect from their bodies and not feel what is happening.
Of course that won’t change unless a woman is willing to face it and work through it.
http://the-generous-husband.com/2024/09/14/sexual-concordance-mental-and-physical-arousal-dont-always-align/
I’ve been reading your blogs for many years now and I have to say that this is one of the most oddest articles I’ve read of yours. One of the first things I wondered is whether or not this is primarily based on your own personal experience?
My wife and I watch a lot of shows together of which some will depict scantily-clad, topless and/or fully nude women (some will show nude men). What should I do? Say, “Honey, please rewind that and when we get to that part again, pause it and I’ll leave the room.”.
And re: “If you have years of looking at other woman naked, it’s going to take time for her to adjust”. How would she even know that her husband is doing that? How many men approach their wives and say, “Honey! I saw the most awesome naked woman today!” or “I watched a steamy show on TV last night after you went to bed that featured lots of fully nude women!”? I would bet that if there was a half or fully- naked man on the street that a husband’s wife -with rare exception- is going to look/gawk/stare too – it’s just human nature.
And if men are looking at other naked women with obvious lust to the point their wife knows about it on a regular basis, then there’s a bigger issue altogether.
@James – I stopped looking at porn when I was fifteen, so that was never a problem in our marriage.
Turing your head works. I’ve been known to fast-forward though a sex scene that was clearly not going to be critical to the plot.
Women are more perceptive and aware of this than most men think.
My strategy: when a woman on the screen isn’t wearing enough, I turn and look at my bride. She knows the deal and I can tell, by her face, when the situation is over on the screen. And looking at her face is ALWAYS a good move.
When it comes to activity between two characters I can do a quick check in with her. If we want it is easy to hit right arrow and jump forward for a few seconds.