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Couples deal with their mutual desire for control in a variety of ways, most of which are poor solutions, not resulting in either being very happy with the situation.
- My side, your side: Life is divided into areas, with each area being under the control of one spouse. He’s king of the garage; she’s queen of the kitchen. He handles the bills; she handles the social calendar. Suggestions are ignored, and help is not offered. Each wants more control in some area where their spouse “rules” but is unwilling to reciprocate by giving up control of in any of the areas where they “rule”.
- That’s your responsibility: An even less nice version of the above, where we deal with something we don’t want to do by assigning it to our spouse as their duty. Men did this for centuries, making certain things “women’s work”. This becomes a matter of control that limits her time and energy. While it is not as bad as it used to be, this is not dead. And women do it too.
- Tit for tat: This is punishing our spouse when they exercise what we see as too much control. This could look like some of the things I mentioned last week. Tit for tat can also be excessive complaining, or doing little things to retaliate; things like “forgetting” something or losing something, or otherwise making her “pay” for overstepping the bounds you would like her to follow.
- Now you see it, now you don’t: You want it one way, she wants it another, and you each keep changing it. You want an item in one place, she wants it in another, and you each keep putting it where you want it.
Does your marriage have bad compromises or silly games because of unresolved control issues? A lot of poor control “solutions” are less obvious than what I have listed, so you may have to think a bit.
[This post first appeared Sept 07, 2012.]
Image by Renate Köppel from Pixabay
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We have experienced the control issues in our marriage. For me its not worth effort , I essentially roll over and do whatever my wife wants. My general answer to any question is “what ever you want”. This applies to nearly everything. Not healthy for marriage but better than me saying what I would like and listening to why my wants should be different.
It’s the same way in my marriage. Are our wives narcissists?
How do you deal with a narcissist?
I used to pay the bills. Once I sent out a payment with no stamp. I had committed a mortal sin!
That must have been more than 20 years ago. She now has an elaborate control system to record every bill that comes in and the check that paid it, and, I suppose, the date received and the date paid. If a bill doesn’t come in, she knows it because her control sheet has no data for that item.
Whoosh! I had been paying bills all my adult life with no problems. One time I messed up (A long story). I went to the bank, talked to them, and got it all straightened out. I might add, that was before we were married, and she doesn’t know about the incident. But in 30+ years, that was the only incident until ‘The Stamp Scandal”. Then, forever after, I am not to be trusted.
One more: I always try to get to a door before she does, so I can hold it open for her. I get there ahead of her and open the door. Then I stand there holding the door and wait. When I look around, there she is holding the door herself. Instead of going on through, she feels the need to put her hand on the door and wait to see if I’m going to let it go so it will hit her. It took 25 years to break her of the distrust, or at least she goes straight through, now.
She calls me a control freak. It’s interesting that the guilty accuse the innocent of what they are doing.
Wow! My comment is in the “memory hole” already. Could you tell me why most of my comments are not allowed on the screen?
You have my email.
@OlWill – The system held it. No idea why. For the most part it works, but occasionally it gets stuck on someone and I have to clear their posts. Sorry!
My wife used to be like this with wanting a perfectly-manicured yard, and I prefer a more “wild” pollinator-friendly yard. We have learned each other’s preferences and work out a comprise alot.