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This post is about affairs. I’m not posting it on Saturday because affairs are not primarily about sex. It’s much deeper than that.
Esther Perel, the psychotherapist who wrote Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, says affairs happen because of something missing in the relationship, or something missing in the spouse who cheats.
Some of you are thinking, “Yeah, guys cheat because sex is missing in their marriage.” But plenty of guys having no sex don’t cheat, and some guys having a lot of sex with their wife do cheat, so there must be more to it.
Yes, a man may cheat because something is missing in his marriage, but I agree with Perel that the real reason for cheating is usually due to something missing in the spouse who cheats. He is trying to fix or fill something with another person, rather than by dealing with what’s really wrong. Odds are he married his wife thinking that would be his fix. When it wasn’t, he is tempted to think some other woman is the answer. Of course admitting this kind of thing to ourselves is difficult, so we may fall back on “I’m a guy, and I have needs”.
Ironically, the issue he’s trying to resolve with an affair may be a major reason his marriage isn’t what he or his wife would like. If he deals with the real issue his urge to cheat will go away, and his marriage may get better.
And of course, all of this is true for women who cheat.
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My wife hates sex and won’t go to counseling. This is not a marriage, but roommates. Yes the desire to roam is about sex.