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On Thursday, I talked about the harm we can do by pushing our wives to do things they really don’t want to do. Today I want to apply that to sex. But there’s an additional challenge here; many men are unaware they have done this, or that their wife has done it on his behalf.
If you and your wife engaged in sex prior to marriage, she felt a push both to have sex, and to do what would make you enjoy it the most. Regardless of how she felt about it. This is a cultural thing, and you didn’t have to say or do anything for her to feel that and likely succumb to it. The same thing can happen if you waited to have sex, although it’s less likely.
We once did a survey asking married women if they felt any of what they did sexually was sin. In addition to the 28% who said yes, another 14% said they were doing something they think might be sinful. On top of this are the women doing things they don’t see as sinful that they dislike, find uncomfortable or painful, or don’t get any pleasure from.
Women’s reasons for doing these things include pressure from their husband, knowing that he really enjoys it, and the fear sex won’t work without it. Additionally, some started doing whatever before marriage when they felt they had no choice, and don’t know how to get out of it now.
If you are “benefiting” from any of this, please know it won’t continue forever. Doing things she finds wrong, unarousing, or a turn-off, hurts her. It reduces her enjoyment of sex, will eventually put her off sex, and may cause her to resent you; even if you have no idea what is happening.
If you want to ensure this is not a hidden issue in your marriage, talk to your wife. You could reference this post and tell her you’re very sorry if you have ever done anything that has pushed her towards sex she didn’t want to have. Then tell her you don’t want to do things she dislikes, or that she thinks might be wrong.
Yes, this could cost you something you enjoy. But it will bless your wife and make her feel loved. And it’s the right thing to do.
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Then there are people like me, who have gone for years without normal intercourse because she apparently has vaginismus. Never tried to force her, made sure she had her orgasm, although I’ve never been able to get her to take care of me manually or orally (she tries, but can’t seem to get it right.) Whatever anyone thinks, I’ll still go to my grave without children or grandchildren.
“We once did a survey asking married women if they felt any of what they did sexually was sin. In addition to the 28% who said yes, another 14% said they were doing something they think might be sinful. ”
This strikes me as incredibly sad.
I suspect that a very large part of what these women are worried about is not sinful, but is the result of flawed messages from their place of worship or their family while growing up.
People have a way of thinking that only what’s traditional can be correct. Add pastors that think everything revolves around them and what they think, and the idea (left over from Victorian thinking) that some things shouldn’t be discussed, and it’s a regrettable mixture.
@Fred – That would be my guess. I suspect oral sex was a big part of it.
I am living this right now and it is not fun. When I brought this post up and suggested we discuss, I was put off like it was my fault and whatever I do is wrong. Any suggestions besides waiting until she is ready to talk about it.
@Kent W – You tried, it’s on her now. You could tell her you were serious and want to know.