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You won’t hear many folks who say sex is not important in marriage, but plenty act as if it’s not important. Maybe the difference between words and actions suggests most of them know sex is more important than their actions say it is.
A study found above average sexual satisfaction was the number one predictor of being very happy in marriage, and that high sexual satisfaction was the number two predictor of not being prone to separation or divorce. These were true for both men and women. That means good sex results in a happier marriage and greatly reduces the chance of divorce. It is not a cure all, but it is significant and powerful, and nothing can take its place. If you have an otherwise “perfect marriage” and a poor sex life, you’re worse off than if you have an okay marriage and an okay sex life. If sex is a major problem in your marriage, and you care about your marriage, working on sex is the only sane choice. (And yes, not having much sex makes it a major problem.)
I want those who have chosen not to deal with sex to understand it really is a big deal, and ignoring it won’t make it go away. Forget the excuses, the reasons, the anger, the blame, and realise if it’s not fixed your marriage won’t be as happy as it could be. What’s more, you’re putting yourself at an increased risk of divorce. Given that, there is no good reason for allowing it to continue. Sexual refusal hurts the one who is told no, and when refusal happens often it sounds like “I don’t care about you, I don’t really love you”. Regardless of the reason behind the no, if refusal goes on too long, this is what it communicates.
Please note that this post was gender-neutral. About 30% of women want more sex than their husband, and his saying no is as harmful to the marriage as when the wife does it.
[This post first appeared Aug 25, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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Thanks, Paul. So glad to have this again.
There may be women who say they want more sex than their husband does, but there are also women who “just don’t think about it as much as YOU do!” That’s my experience, sad to say.
All true. Sex is usually more important to one spouse to some degree. The problems start when one or the other normally responds with no or not right now (which means no). I have been on the desiring more end for a really long time. The emotional up and down is difficult to say the least. Knowing you love someone so much and desiring to connect in intimacy and being told no a dozen different ways, excuse after excuse……….It really does chip away at my emotions. I have tried all I know and been willing to do anything my wife would do to help correct the situation. We only kiss passionately when making love, which has only happened five time in last 7 months. My wife says she really does desire me, but she never acts on it. I have been drifting away emotionally speaking(I am slowly giving up). The path forward looks bleak, unless I would enjoy a friends with little to no benefits situation.
Just a few notes……I am not an abuser, I do anything my wife asks, I am not a slob, I am a good housekeeper, I put on a happy face, make all of our family think life is grand, do the little things to woo my wife(dates, getaways, vacations, gifts, flowers, cards etc.)
I think about my wife all the time. Her reaction is “sex is all you think about”, “Stop thinking about it”. I wish it was that easy. I am becoming resentful.
Same here, it has never gotten any better really. Maybe a very small bit better, but not much. My wife rarely asks for sex, she does sometimes, but less than once a month. She does what she can to minimize sex. I feel like it’s the same if man worked just enough hours to keep the electric bill paid and barely buy any groceries and no more, even if they had the opportunity to work more.