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Ever heard someone say, “more divorces are caused by ______ than anything else” or “the top causes of divorce are _____, _____ and _____”? I did a quick Google search on the “top causes of divorce” from the first five “experts” I could find.
The #1 cause according to those five was communication, lack of commitment, or financial issues. Money is first on one list, second on three lists, and 13th on the last list. Three lists make communication the number one cause, while the fifth list doesn’t include it at all. Adultery is rated as 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 4th and 5th. I didn’t cherry-pick these lists, they were the first five I found with more than three reasons given.
In truth, there is no way to create a list giving the most common reasons for divorce. Very few divorces are for a single reason; most are more the straw that breaks the camel’s back kind of thing. If you ask couples what ended their marriage, they may tell you the final issue. Or they might give you the biggest issue. I suspect many share the reason that makes them look like a victim and their ex look like the villain.
Divorce happens because one or both spouses are not willing to do what it takes to have a good marriage. It is rarely all one person’s fault, but more often than not one spouse is far more destructive to the marriage than the other. The one who files for divorce may or may not be the one who is “most at fault”. The wife who files to protect her children from abuse and the husband who files due to ongoing adultery are not the ones “to blame” for the divorce.
The real lie here is that divorce is a simple matter, like a disease with a clear cause and set course of infection. The death of a marriage is like dying from blood loss; it can be fast or slow, from one wound or many. If there are multiple wounds, fixing one helps, but may only prolong the inevitable. Additionally, the blood loss can be external and visible or internal and unseen.
Fighting divorce starts with you and your wife. Be on the lookout for things hurting or draining your marriage. Deal with small things before they get big, and deal with big things as if your marriage depends on it, because it may.
Additionally, please keep an eye on the marriages of your friends. Don’t ignore clear signs of trouble; you could be part of saving a marriage. Maybe they will blow you off, but if they hear the same thing from several people they respect, they may decide to act before it is too late. Don’t stay silent out of fear of them getting angry: do something! If you don’t speak up, and they divorce, how will you feel then?
[This post first appeared Aug 23, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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