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Today is a guest post about blended families – a topic that has been requested.
One of my favorite expressions is one I’ve heard from various people, but it always makes me smile. I heard it again recently from a coach who was teaching people about how to become a professional speaker, and he said, “It’s simple, but it’s not easy.” That’s how I feel about having a better blended/stepfamily as well.
The truth is, if you’re part of a blended or stepfamily, you have zero (and I mean zero) control over what happens in the other household(s). However, I see and work with many families who haven’t yet accepted that, and it is a source of endless frustration to them. “Why won’t my ex [fill in the blank with desired action/outcome they do but their ex doesn’t, or doesn’t do in the same way]?!?!” Or “If my ex would just stop [fill in the blank with frustrating action/outcome of the ex they’re complaining about], then this wouldn’t be an issue.”
Full disclosure: I was also guilty of this not long after my divorce. In fact, I was so dumb as to go complain to my ex-wife’s father about her actions. After listening to me patiently, he said, “Joel, if you couldn’t get her to do what you wanted when you were married, what on earth makes you think you can get her to do what you want her to now that you’re divorced?”
And it hit me like a thunderbolt: he’s exactly right. So instead of being always angry or frustrated at my ex, I had to start letting go of what happened in her house and start focusing on what I could control. From that situation, I developed the Two Pillars for a better blended family. They’re simple, but they’re not easy.
Pillar One: Be the adult you want your children to become. Nobody’s perfect, but if you’re in a blended/stepfamily or a single-parent situation, your children need you even more to be a great example for them. So live the way you want them to live. Speak the way you want them to speak. Don’t just tell them how you think they should act; model it for them consistently so they see it lived out. They need that example.
Pillar Two: Remember the Golden Rule and treat others the way you want to be treated. This is closely related and even overlaps with Pillar One, and it is every bit as important. Your children learn to treat others by how they see you treat others (including the children themselves). They need you to show them how to respond to difficult situations, how to treat people when they are unkind or even downright spiteful, and how to react with maturity when things don’t go their way.
Your children are counting on you to teach them how to become responsible adults, how to pursue virtue and live lives worthy of the name. It’s up to us as the adults to model that for them, including how we treat others. As I said: it’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Joel is a divorced and remarried father of amazing daughters. He and his wife Maryellyn have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful toddler daughter. They live in Alabama with their two rescue dogs Bruiser and Butterscotch. For more info on blended/stepfamily life, you can connect with Joel on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn (@joelwhawbaker) or through www.stepdadding.com. You can also check out his 10CBF Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.
Joel is a divorced and remarried father of amazing daughters. He and his wife Maryellyn have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful toddler daughter. They live in Alabama with their two rescue dogs Bruiser and Butterscotch. For more info on blended/stepfamily life, you can connect with Joel on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn (@joelwhawbaker) or through Image Credit: © fizkes | stock.adobe.com & Joel W Hawbaker
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There’s a whole lotta truth in that article…and the benefits and results of acting that way with one’s kids/stepkids aren’t usually realized for 7-20 years later. One has to do it for the intrinsic and right reasons consistently over time (and apologizing & owning it when one doesn’t do so).
Honestly, I’m not sure I’d call it simple either. The complexities and “tangled spaghetti” of bio- and step-relationships because of various temperaments, ages of children, length from and reason for divorce, the emotional & spiritual maturities of everyone involved, extended family, familial location and support or lack of, church experiences, and so many more things interact and even change over time, it can really rock the boat. But I will add that DW & I are both seeing the results of setting boundaries and following the two principles above with 4 out of 5 of our children. (The lone hold out is in her dad’s control and pocketbook and if she doesn’t have NPD, those traits are being cultivated and encouraged by her father.)
Thank you for reading the article and for your thoughtful and positive response!
Well said. There are some–thankfully not my parents–who do use family court, custody, children, and the like to wage war on exes, and to those poor souls, I can only say (and have said at times) “just take careful note and keep records of what was done. Eventually family court might get very interested in this behavior.” And then along the same lines, that pillar one; be the adult, and eventually kids and other spectators are going to figure out that the libels being wielded against you are just that.
And having spent my adult life as part of a blended family, and then after my mom’s death a double-blended family with my step-dad and “two-step mom”, it is such a blessing when step-family comes in and becomes “family.” I say with all seriousness that my stepdad taught me how to love a woman in a way she’d understand by how he treated my mom. And I joke that most days, my wife appreciates that.
Amen! Thanks for reading the article and taking time to respond. I’m glad to hear about your positive experience, and may God continue to bless you and your family!