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I warned you recently about the problems that can come from putting your marriage into autopilot mode. But what about doing sex on autopilot?
It’s easy to slip into sex autopilot. You find something that works, and you stick with it. The more trouble you had arriving at something that works, the less inclined you are to risk making a change. Or perhaps you do the same thing over and over because by the end of the day, you’re both physically tired and brain-dead, and doing the same old thing is easy.
Few of us enjoy doing the same thing the same way over and over. This is true of most things, including sex, and no one wants to have boring sex! Beyond that, autopilot can mean you miss signs that it’s not as enjoyable for her as it once was.
You don’t have to get crazy to get out of autopilot. Change up the position or the time of day. If you always have intercourse, give each other orgasms without doing that. If she always comes first, ask if she would like to try being second. Start foreplay in the living room or the shower.
At the very least, have a discussion about it. Ask her if what you do sexually is perfect for her. If it’s not, make some changes.
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It’s a difficult place to be in when as the wide you try to express this and the husband takes it as he’s not exciting enough.
Which for years he was but what happens when you start to expand and mature your sexual expressions and try to initiate new things to keep that spark going, and he always rejects them?!
You realize you can’t bring that to the relationship afterall. You just have to go along with what he’s offering.
And yes, not being able to be as expressive and fun IS boring. The excitement is often in the build and anticipation and ability arouse your spouse and bring them an erotic experience with you.
I’m grieving that at 19yrs married this is where I’m at. I want SO much more for the rest of our marriage.
Settling, I am in the same boat. My wife never suggests to do anything even mildly different or wants to do anything different. If I suggest something, she says, “Oh no, what have you been reading” or something similar.
I ask if she wants something different and she says no, it is fine. I feel like a pervert for suggesting anything new. Married a little longer than you and it has never changed.
Settling & Ron: I’m so sorry for your situations. If the church was more pro-sex I suspect much of this could be prevented. But it happens to some degree in worldly couples, so there are other reasons.
Suggesting something with a cold start can be a bad idea. Wait until you have warmed up your spouse, and just ease into it. Not guarantees, but it could work. Expand horizons gradually.