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A couple of weeks ago, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage wrote “10 Confessions of a Wife Who Loves Sex”. Then J of Hot, Holy & Humorous did her “Confessions of a Sex-Happy Wife” and it became a trend. You can find five such articles in their entirety, along with links to others, on The Marriage Bed’s 50 Confessions From Wives Who Enjoy Sex. Several male bloggers have done their versions of this, and it’s time for me to join in. However, I’m going to do it a bit differently; I’m going to talk about what it’s like to be married to a “Sex Positive Wife”.
1. It hasn’t always been this way.
I know what it’s like to be told no most of the time, to be thought of as oversexed, and to go so long without sex I wanted God to take my sex drive away forever. Had all the fights, felt like a jerk, felt unloved, and felt grossly misunderstood. Been there, done that, couldn’t get her out of the T-shirt.
2. I didn’t find a secret way to turn my wife into a holy nymphomaniac.
The change was more about her growth than anything I said or did. If anything, I probably made her feel worse, which was hardly helpful.
3. For a long time it was good, and getting better, but still not all I wanted.
At some point, our sex life passed the minimum acceptable level, which was nice. Later it passed the “I could be happy if this is all there ever is” point, and that was great. Then, it seemed greedy to want it to be better, but it kept getting better.
4. When it first got great, I was scared it wouldn’t last.
I was almost afraid to go all in for fear she would lose interest and I would be worse off than before. It took the better part of a year to stop constantly worrying about when it would all come crashing down.
5. I have all the sex I want.
We don’t talk specifics, but I have all I want, and if I wanted more I could have more.
6. Sometimes I could pass on sex, but she wants it and I gladly do it for her.
This is the most awesome thing in the world, to have sex for her when I could easily go without. This is when I know she really likes sex, when I know she’s not just doing it for me, and it’s a fantastic feeling!
7. I get to hear “I thought about having sex with you today”.
Sometimes I get to hear the details too! Yes, this is as great and as arousing as it sounds. Being wanted, being desired, being lusted after both in person and in her thoughts, is awesome.
8. A great sex life makes every other area of marriage better.
It also makes it easier to be loving and giving. In fact, it happens without even trying. It’s hard to get upset or frustrated or feel wronged by the woman who rocks your world and lets you rock hers as often as either of you wants. Let’s be honest, she could get by with just about anything now. And yet she doesn’t try, how’s that for awesome!
9. Sex does NOT get old.
I used to wonder if it would get boring if we did it as much as I wanted. Would I start to want less? Would I start to want more variety? Neither of those is the case. When sex is wonderful, it goes way beyond the physical. Yes, the physical is fantastic, but there is far more to it, and the way you do it is just the doorway to all the awesome feelings. The “how” is far less important, because the “who” is so great.
10. I want to give her better sex than any woman has ever had in the history of the world.
Her pleasure is so enjoyable to me! The more she enjoys it, the better it is for me. I want to become the most incredible and skilled lover possible, so I can give her as much joy and pleasure as she gives me. My goal is to make it so enjoyable she forgets her own name.
11. When a woman really enjoys sex, she knows how to make you feel crazy good.
Because she feels it, because she wants it, because she sometimes aches for it, she understands how I feel. She also understands how great it is to hear “lay back, I got this, this one is for you”. Having been on the receiving end of I-did-not-know-I-could-feel-that-way, she wants me to have the same, and she will work hard to do it.
12. Yes, I’m trying to make you jealous.
I want you to want this so much you will do what it takes to make it happen in your marriage. Thing is, what makes it happen is NOT learning new sex skills. Loving your wife sacrificially, studying her so you will know how to bless her, seeking her best and her happiness – these are the things that move her towards being a sex positive wife.
[This post first appeared Aug 11, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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We are stuck at your #1 point. Only I (the wife) am the one who wants to have more sex than we do. My husband has a lower drive and no matter how many discussions/fights we have about it, nothing changes. Because he gets all the sex he wants, he’s fine with it. He has never had to deal with being denied, rejected, or the feelings that come with that.
None of the suggested issues (porn, affairs, low T, etc) apply to him, except that he’s overweight and his only excuse that he ever gives me is that he’s too tired.
I realize that this article mostly applies to men, but there ARE women who deal with it too. It’s painful no matter whether you are the husband or wife. My heart goes out to all the men who are living with this issue and their wives don’t care enough to make the changes that Lori did.
@Ann – It’s estimated 20% of wives are where you are. And yes, it hurts every bit as much. I wish I had the words to help men and women with lower drives understand this.
I worked with a guy for many years that had a lower sex drive than his wife. He said she would be good having sex everyday or nearly everyday. He said he was busy, tired etc and only needed sex 2 or 3 times a month. They had sex more than 2 or 3 times a month, but he mostly did it for the wife. His priorities were hobbies, work etc.
@Ron – Yeah, it does happen. I can’t fathom it, but I know it’s real.
It’s tragic. I think it has a lot to do with perspective. As Ann said, they haven’t experienced the rejection, the denial, or the pain (mental, emotional, sometimes even physical) that goes with it and they therefore don’t understand it. They simply lack the personal experience necessary.
I know a couple of wives who were the low drive until menopause or something kicked it into overdrive have testified to how eye opening it was to be on the other end where they actually wanted/needed more than their spouse was capable of giving. They simply had no idea. They also mentioned feeling very guilty for having put their husbands through that for so many years. He had tried to explain but they just couldn’t understand and shrugged it off. They were very repentant though they still didn’t know what could have helped them understand. It seems it takes firsthand experience for most of us to really grasp it. Until they do, it just seems like the high drive spouse is pushing unnecessarily and they tend to resent it.
I too truly wish I knew what to say or do to help them see.
Sorry about your situation, I can relate for sure and could have written your exact words, I am the husband. My wife gets all the sex she wants, me, not so much.
Amen