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When Lori and I got married, we both knew she had some significant issues due to being molested as a child and raped in college. And we assumed our problems with sex were all about that. She was broken. We both knew it.
Thing is, I was broken too. Both sexually and in other ways. And Lori was broken in non-sexual ways. It took me far too long to realise that my past and my injuries were contributing to our difficulties, both in and out of bed. I was not happy to realise this fact, but once I did and started to work on those things, we got healthier and stronger at a much faster rate.
You and your wife are both broken. It may be more obvious in one of you. It may be more significant for one of you. But you both have issues that you need to work on if you’re going to be healthy and happy as individuals and as a couple.
One place this comes up is when one spouse commits adultery. Clearly, the one who sinned is wrong, and clearly there is something in their past that moved them to do what they did. So the couple, and possibly a counsellor, focus on the one who cheated. That’s great, but the other spouse is also broken, and at some point that needs to be addressed if the marriage is going to fully heal.
Beyond that, something like adultery doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It is rare for men or women in healthy, happy marriages to commit adultery. If the “victim” spouse has contributed to the marriage being bad, that was part of what was behind the one who committed adultery choosing to do so. This is not blaming the victim. It is not an attempt to excuse the one who sinned. It’s just reality.
The same thing is true in other areas. Just because your wife did something wrong, doesn’t mean you didn’t play a part. And just because she is obviously broken doesn’t mean you’re just fine. Sometimes the more broken spouse is being blocked by something the less broken spouse needs to deal with. If a couple really wants a good marriage, then both of them have to be willing to deal with all of their broken areas.
So where are you broken? How is that hurting your wife, your children, and your marriage? Are you doing anything about it?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly vis stockdreams.ai
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You are sooooo on-point with this post! It took me 40+ years and lots of intentional research to figure this out. Juli Slattery, in her books Rethinking Sexuality and God, Sex & Your Marriage, tells us that we are ALL sexually broken. It takes some time and self-reflection to figure that out. Our brokenness is a result of 3 primary reasons:
1 – we live in a broken world and may experience health & medical issues that affect our sexuality for reasons that are beyond our actions.
2 – sin of others; maybe we were abused, neglected, etc and wounded in our childhood or adolesence. These Big T & Little T – traumas – usually have an effect on our sexuality.
3 – our sin; acting out sexually to soothe our pain furthers our brokenness and introduces guilt & shame
While my brokenness came to the surface fairly quickly, it took months to discover some of the root causes. I’m still discovering some of the contributing factors and beginning to understand how the brain works. For my wife who grew up in a very healthy environment, it took much longer to recognize her brokenness. She resisted the idea for quite awhile and only now has begun to recognize her own trauma & issues. I’m finding that even the most informed counselors & therapists are benefiting from therapy themselves.
My wife was molested at 5, probably the reason my attempts at penetration (even digital) had her saying she felt “pain and pressure” for no obvious reason. Thus we’ve been married 40 years without intercourse. Naturally no children or grandchildren. Not sure what to do about it.
@James Tollison – Most likely vaginismus. It can be treated, but at this point it’s unlikely she is willing. And postmenopausal it’s iffy.
She’s probably willing enough; being successful at this point is, as you say, probably iffy. I should, maybe, just go with things as they are. As she puts it, “I just don’t think about it all the time!”
One thing I’ve learned is that women are basically focused on themselves, so if they don’t feel “the need,” they seem to believe that the man doesn’t either. They aren’t trying to be selfish or anything, it’s just the result of their self-focus.
True. Then again, aren’t we all self focused in varying degrees? It takes deliberate effort to focus more on someone else. Some almost seem to do it instinctively though that is probably a mix of personality/nature and teaching, whether deliberate or picked up from the messages the adults in our lives gave by attitudes, how they treat us, and things they said. Others struggle greatly to focus on anyone else’s needs except for short term temporary situations on a surface level. Some seem simply incapable,. These latter two probably became that way as a subconscious protective measure. Come to think of it, maybe all three are.
I grieve for you and your situation. Your wife probably does not understand what she has lost and maybe never will. I doubt that she has any concept of what she has done to you and your relationship in general. I marvel that you have lived like this for so long. My wife would probably think me shallow for my belief that I would almost certainly have been unable to live like that for such an extended period of time but I think people like me are why Paul said that some SHOULD marry. You are a better man than I can ever be. You have my deepest respect.
I understand that vaginismus makes penetrative sex difficult. But since the clitoris is external to the vagina, is your wife still unable to enjoy stimulation of her clitoris? My wife doesn’t have vaginismus, but she has another issue that prevents intercourse easily. But we are able to have very robust sexual intimacy and she thoroughly enjoys herself.
She does indeed have orgasms practically every time precisely in that way. I pursue her satisfaction as if it’s an assigned task however long it takes. Even when she says she just can’t “take it.” (I’ve learned that there’s often a difference between what women say and what they really mean.) I know I’ve succeeded when she stiffens up and screams!
That’s wonderful! I’m glad you and your wife have worked that out.
Women meaning what they say is another case of, know your own wife. Even when my wife didn’t “feel safe” in our relationship, she never hesitated to say what she meant. I have learned that she means it when she says that I need to stop. She gets quite upset if I don’t and still gets annoyed if I don’t stop immediately.
Last time, it took a second or two to register and I stopped immediately when it did. She wasn’t angry but did let me know that I hadn’t responded quickly enough and it took her too close to full orgasm before she wanted to finish. The result was that her body decided it was done and the big O was out of reach. Maybe we could have still gotten there in time but she’s a one and done lady and wasn’t interested in risking frustration by trying. So, she was disappointed and therefore I was disappointed.
Need to work on my reaction time. But the point being, know your wife and work with her tolerance and preferences. If your wife struggles with vaginismus but does still enjoy orgasm like that, there is hope. I’m not a doctor but I would definitely consult with one, if she is willing.
@James Tollison – Glad you found a way to make it work. For what it’s worth, you are not alone.