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I’ve recently heard about a couple of instances where someone made a mess of a relationship by saying something they felt they had to say. In both cases, I think the biggest failure was not starting with “I love you, and this situation won’t change that”.
I don’t think humans are capable of unconditional love. But we can love a great deal, and our love can get us past some pretty big challenges. Even if your wife knows it, telling her in the midst of an argument that you love her and will still love her when the argument is over is a smart thing to do.
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I agree in principle. However, I think it’s another case of know your wife. While I believe this is true most of the time, I t’s somewhat situational.
Stay with me here. The reason I give this caveat is that I have learned that saying I love you to my wife when I am saying something she doesn’t want to hear does not come across to her as intended. She perceives it as a means of manipulation. If I say “I love you” and follow it with something she won’t want to hear (or reverse that order), she feels like I am trying to use an emotional lever to push her into accepting what I have to say. It doesn’t seem to occur to her that I am trying to reassure her and reinforce our relationship in the face of a difficult conversation. She sees the words as cheap and hollow, when uttered in that scenario.
Maybe someday our relationship will heal to the point where she understands that I am serious and mean to build and reassure rather than manipulate. I don’t know that I have ever used “I love you” in that way. I don’t recall doing so and the only times I know I said those words without feeling then was when our relationship was at it’s lowest point and our counselor at the time advised us to say it anyway until we felt it again. Her perception has differed from reality at different times and this is one of them. Unfortunately, I think all of those who have counseled us over the years have agreed that her perception of reality is reality for her and I have to proceed as though it actually happened that way because holding to reality or logic will make things worse.
Anyway, all that to say, I agree that in most cases your post is spot on but it is always wise to consider your specific situation. If you haven’t already done this to know, try it.