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We’re talking about friends, and the fact that a growing number of men don’t have the friendships they need to be happy and healthy.
When I say friends, what do I mean? I have a lot of friends around the country who I enjoy, but I don’t see most of them often. But there are two couples we connect with regularly by text, and by Zoom from time to time. They are all friends, but only those two couples really count in terms of benefiting me. I also have local friends I connect with one or more times a week.
But it takes more than just connecting. Do we talk about surface stuff, or do we share our lives? Do I know their struggles and fears, and do they know mine? Can they tell when I’m down because they know something is off? If I’m doing something I should not, or am not doing something I should be doing, will they know that? And will they lovingly confront me?
One thing to understand it that friendships take work. If we believe friendships should happen naturally, we won’t have many, if any, real friends. Friendships also cost us. The cost is worth it, but there is a cost.
Those who study this say personality is a factor in how we make and exercise friendships. Extroverts generally have many friendships, with some or most of them being shallow. This is not wrong, but you need one or two of those friends to be close. Introverts focus on a few very close friends. And while this is also not wrong, having too few friends is risky, and can be a burden on them.
Speaking of burden, if your wife is your only friend, you’re asking of her something that God didn’t intend and that she can’t do. I’m all about our wife being our best friend, but we require more than that. And we need some male friends.
If these two posts have shown you that you are friendship impoverished, please do something about that. Do it for yourself, and for those around you.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey Carlisle | Union not fusion ◄ An important distinction!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly vis stockdreams.ai
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This sucks
I do also want to raise a flag here for the value of even quite superficial friendships. If you have a friend who, all you do with them is watch TV broadcasts of football (“soccer”) matches together, being outraged at the same terrible offside decisions and delighted by the same moments of skill, then over time that builds up into something of real worth.
I’m not sure it comes naturally to most men to make the kinds of friendships that women stereotypically prefer, where they gaze deep into each other’s souls and express their most profound feelings. And I think that has to be OK. If friends enjoy watching football matches together, that feeds to soul, too.
(Of course, there are also times when we need something deeper. But for most of us, that’s not most of the time. And I think that when we do need that, we’re most likely to get it from someone whose company we’ve been enjoying for ten years in other, less profound, contexts.)
@Mike Taylor – Even a “superficial” friendship has value. And it can become a deeper friendship in a time of need.
I’d agree deeper friendships don’t come naturally to us, but I think training and culture are a bigger part of that than how God made us.
Paul,
Thanks for all you do for families, marriages, relationships and especially your encouragement of men and fathers.
May I offer an idea to consider.
I am very fortunate to have a few (2 to 4) men that I call my “3 AM friends”. These are the guys that have my back and I have theirs day or night if appropriate.
These relationships have taken incredible intentionality, transparency and trust. We are able to share when we are “close to the edge” and need talked/prayed back from it. Or we just need to be encouraged etc.
Another thing that we implemented a few years ago which has been very beneficial. We agreed that we could send a text that included “I need coverage tomorrow/today/at 10 AM… (with no details of the source of being anxious/angry, etc.)” this means that we are requesting our friend to take our name and unknown situation before the Throne of Grace. As a personal note, when I am frustrated, exhausted, needing wisdom etc. I do not desire to “talk it through” in the heat of the situation. So I text my friend(s) “I need coverage for a meeting at 10 AM, etc”. I do not share who I am meeting with our why.
Then we can circle back in days or weeks with details if that would be helpful. Our relationships have grown deeper because of this.
I have even offered this to a new friend that, if they want me to pray for them. Just text me “Coverage requested” and I committed that I would not respond and ask any questions unless they want to share. I have had this happen once or twice from new friends over the years. It has been encouraging.
Paul, keep up the great work. I appreciate you and your ministry.
Roger
@Roger C Garber – I love the “need coverage” idea. Excellent. I will mention it in a post for those who don’t do the comments.
My life has been a history of “friendly disappointments”. Since becoming an adult, I have had 3 friends at different points along my journey. They arrived when I needed them or they needed me. Then life separated us by many miles & years.
In the USAF, I had Topher who discussed w me the travails of his relationships w women & alcohol while marveling over my relationship w my new wife. He knew me before we married & after & as our 1st 2 babies came along. We moved to Seattle, but he stayed in Omaha.
My next friend was CJ in Colorado. Our marriage was on the rocks, my career was down the toilet, & CJ took me under his wing to teach me about a deeper level of marriage, communication, & salesmanship. He moved away, but we moved elsewhere shortly thereafter.
My last friend was Clayton. We were coworkers in the oilfield in OK. We were fast friends joined by our devotion to God from the 1st day. (Our first friendly activity together was watching “V for Vendetta” on Nov 5th.) We got laid off together. We stayed in contact while struggling to keep a roof over our heads. We got rehired by our old company & transferred to Texas together. When the company got sold, he got to keep his job while mine was eliminated. It’s been years since we’ve talked.
I’ve lived in Indiana for 4 years. My night work schedule doesn’t leave a lot of opening for mid-week get-togethers. The one guy at church who is closest to me in age is still 11 yrs my senior & snowbirds to Florida half the time. The rest of the men there are 70+ yrs old, retired, & are hard of hearing.
No friends. Wife & I? Thick as thieves.
Tesla,
I have no words other than to let you know that I care and I am sorry it has been a number of bumps along the way.
I will be praying that God will open the doors for you to connect well with others. One of my “3 AM friends” lives a distance from me. We talk on the phone regularly but see each other very infrequently. Maybe it is possible for you to reconnect with Topher, CJ & Clayton, Lord willing?
Thank you for your service in the Air Force! As an off the wall FYI, we have a local ministry who’s objective is to point boys and girls to Jesus using bicycles was founded by a retired Air Force Colonel by the name of Dr. Lee DeRemer. https://www.lifecyclesteam.org/about/leadership/
Blessings to you Tesla