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Enough ≠ Generosity
This blog is not about being enough, it’s about being generous.
Let’s get a definition:
gen·er·ous
/ˈjen(ə)rəs/
adjective
(of a person) showing a readiness to give more of something than is strictly necessary or expected.
More than is necessary or expected. Bingo.
I have been asked many, many times about the minimum a husband or wife must provide to their spouse. The question always makes me sad, became it shows a stingy heart, and you can’t build a good marriage on stingy.
I realise there is some value to knowing the minimum so you can be sure to not fall below that. But here’s the thing. If you are getting the bare minimum of something, there is no wiggle room. If you’re giving your wife just enough and something keeps you from doing that for a few days, your wife will feel unloved, uncared for, or unappreciated. But when you’re generous, your wife has extra, and a short term drop in what you do won’t be a problem.
And of course, generosity tends to inspire generosity. And being stingy inspires stinginess. Which do you want to sow into your marriage?
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This use to be my view on relationship. I guess it still is in some ways but it has taken a hit. Maybe it comes back to that avoidant defense I’ve been learning more about but I realized some time ago that my wife seemed to regard my above and beyond as the actions of a simp, or perhaps a side effect of me being “clingy,” which is how avoidants see anxious attachment styles. On the other hand, she gets use to some parts of the above and beyond and they tend to become a new minimum, without which, I apparently don’t care. It’s all very confusing. Then again, confusing signals are what avoidant attachment styles give off as part of their way of keeping someone close enough but not to close. It might have helped if I had read this book much earlier in our relationship so that I could have had some idea what was going on.
I still think generous is best. I’m just a little disillusioned with how it will go in my specific situation.
The good news is, it really should work as I had originally expected in pretty much any relationship that doesn’t involve an avoidant/anxious attachment style pairing! It should work especially well if there is not an avoidant in the mix at all but avoidant/secure attachment style pairings should probably still benefit from it. It might just look a little different with the adaptation for not making them feel overwhelmed with closeness. There may be a good way to practice generosity in a marriage like mine, and I am still working to find that, it just might be a more delicate balance.
I try to spoil my wife and she tries to spoil me. Works pretty well.