Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
In yesterday’s XY Code, I talked about a wife who basically feels like a receptacle for her husband’s penis and the sexual urges that come with that. I nearly cried when I read her comment a few weeks ago, and it still saddens me. On the other blog, I said most men don’t see their wife this way, and talked about the fact the Bible teaches us that sex is to be mutually desired and enjoyed. Here, I want to address some mistakes we men make that keep sex from being great for our wives.
The big problem is we expect women to be like men sexually. It’s natural to think others are as we are, and recently the world has been telling us men and women are alike, even when it comes to sex. This, of course, is a lie. And it’s a lie that is destructive to women’s enjoyment of sex.
If my wife was as I am, all I’d have to do to get her to have sex is to walk by her naked with an erection. Go ahead, try that and see how it works out for you. I’ll wait, it won’t take long.
We are easily aroused. And we get aroused for no other reason than it’s been 24 hours. For us, foreplay is somewhere between unnecessary and a waste of time. And having an orgasm is easy. Sometimes too easy! For our wives, none of this is true. For them, what’s happening in the marriage outside of sex has a major impact on sex. A long day may or may not kill their desire, but it will leave them unable to enjoy sex. Even when she’s all about sex, it can be difficult to get her body going, and even more difficult to reach climax.
If you want to make sex better for your wife, you have to accept her sexual reality as valid. And to do that, you have to understand her sexual reality. Since every woman is different, the only way you can learn her reality is to ask her.
The next step is to figure out what would make sex easier and better for her. Ask her to tell you her idea of perfect sex. Listen without interrupting, unless you don’t understand something. Then ask her if she hedged what she said out of concern for what you would think, or said what society says she should want.
When next you have sex, make is like what she described. Later, ask her again for her idea of perfect sex, and implement those things. Set your preferences aside and focus on giving her great sex. When she thinks you’ve become the best lover in the world, you can discuss some things you would like sex to include.
Image Credit: © Prostock-studio | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
I have followed your blog for several years and you have some good advice. Out of frustration, I would have to say, I differ with this article partially. Having tried backing off for years and going for what she views as ‘perfect’ (which she replies she doesn’t know), this is a limited snail pace route to tepid results. Yes, my wife is better receptive to sex and slightly more on boundaries than earlier in our marriage but almost 30 years into this, I feel like I am on a high mountain and wanting to get her to where I am but she is in the foot hills slowly meandering and having picnics and not caring if/when we ever get to move to anything more adventurous. Yes, this helps to get closer to her and her wants but it definitely is dying to self. No, my desires have not lessened and it is hard to just be patient’. Death or inability to be together will eventually come.
I do sympathize with the lady you comment on but if you soften the tone, it is awesome how God designed the parts to come together and even with creative ways. The opposite to the lady’s comment on feeling like just a warm place for her husband is a husband who marries a woman who in essence just wants to be ‘friends’ and anything more than that is not welcome. Yes, boo hoo for those who didn’t realize this coming into it but it is what it is now for both versions of this tale.
I am so sorry that you have such a tough situation.
I know you’re getting only a tiny slice of your marriage experience. He may have already had some Christian-based marriage counseling, and even pastoral input.
If so, keep going or restart. It may take this to break the cycle
Consider Matthew 18 and even Matthew five talk about the role of the church can and should play that could bring about great healing. Who knows, there may be a lot of unbelievers, pagans, atheist, and agnostic who may eagerly convert, and join a group of people who are becoming less and less selfish!
God gives us built-in appetites. This is good physical food along with the need for rest recreation him until he’s married, the gift of sexual union. This can be a win-win situation, and should be OK elected win-win-win!
Win for your wife; win for you; and even win for God!
I think I agree with you in principle but what about when she isn’t interested in improving sex for her? I have asked what I could do differently to make things better for her and she says she doesn’t know, tells me she would be content to never have sex again and she only does it for me, tells me that sex isn’t really a problem and it will all sort itself out when our relationship issues are resolved, and/or gets upset (even angry) that I’m “trying to make it about her” because that makes her feel somehow worse.
We have tried marriage counseling. The counselor says he isn’t a sex therapist and takes her word that sex isn’t a problem and will be fine when the relationship is sorted. He’s the only counselor I have found that she will talk to.
I’m not saying that I give up. I’m asking what I do next? She is having sex for me, albeit not half as often as I need to be satisfied, and even that seems sacrificial on her part. She seems to feel that we are both sacrificing to get what we have and that it shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know what else to do.
And, yes, I do pray. I pray for her, for me, for us. I pray for emotional healing. I pray for physical healing (there have been some physical discomfort issues off and on). I pray for our relationship and our marriage. I pray that the Lord would show me anything that I need to work on in myself.
The Lord’s grace and help are what have helped and sustained me this far. I don’t know how those who don’t know the Lord make it in this life at all. Without Him, I would have buckled under the strain years ago and would probably be dead or in an asylum somewhere.
Even with the Lord to lean on, if I forget and begin to rely too much on my own strength and wisdom, it becomes obvious very quickly that I can’t do it. Made that mistake once years ago and nearly ended up divorced and homeless. I made a lot of bad choices in that time before the Lord got my attention back on Him and I repented of the sins I committed in my despair and started the long path to healing. That one, relatively short but very dark period of my life is still wreaking havoc in our lives today. My wife cannot forget and periodically seems to add more that I am reasonably certain I never did and it is these lingering wounds that we are struggling to heal, all these years later. Wounds, not of the body, as I never laid a finger on her nor so much as threatened harm in any way, but deeper wounds of the heart. And all of that from a time when I gave up in despair rather than continuing to lean on God.
Yes, there were issues before. Some in my own heart. Some in our relationship and I am only beginning to find the answers to what was going on then that she thought our marriage was fine while I felt it was at an end. The book “Attached” has been very enlightening on that and I a hope will offer some help (Not written from a Christian worldview but I find it has a lot to offer and think it might be good for everyone to read at some point). All of that was compounded when I gave in to despair for a time.
It may be that I can only cling to Him until death ends the struggle in some 40-50 years. I don’t know. I would love to find healing and peace for us both before that time, and even a joy in our relationship.
@Pa’dam – Sadly you are not alone. Sounds like your wife is like the woman who started this train of thought over on The XY Code. I don’t think that’s okay with God, but I know you have no chance of showing her that.
It reminds me of what CS Lewis said about “an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.”
One thing I am thankful for in this. While it can be tempting to think only of my own part and how this hurts me and others in my situation, I am thankful that the Lord has brought me more healing than that. My heart breaks for her and the truly wonderful gift she is missing. Our relationship was meant to be a huge blessing for both of us and this is costing her that. If only she knew.
I think also of C. S. Lewis depiction in “The Last Battle” of the dwarves in the stable. Imprisoned by their own minds, they were unable to accept the wonderful reality that was all around them.
Beyond what she is missing now, I hear and read the reports of the couples who once were as we now are until menopause or some other change awakened the sex drive of the one who had so long turned all advances away, only to find that they had so thoroughly trained their spouse over the previous decades that now it was too late. I’m some cases, it is nearly too late but thankfully can be overcome with effort but not always.
When I think on that, I mourn for both spouses in such situations and my heart breaks for my own wife, lest we should likewise end up like that. I did try to gently warn her once but was rebuffed. To her it was so much rumor and unsubstantiated myth. She could not imagine craving sex like that and is absolutely convinced that, even should her drive awaken, it won’t be a problem for her. Spoken in look but not aloud is that that is MY weakness but she is not so weak. And my heart breaks all over again, not the least for the fact that I know that sometimes the Lord has taken action to humble such pride as that.
I say pride because it comes across that way but with what I’m learning about attachment styles, maybe that isn’t quite right. It is one of the defense mechanisms of the avoidant attachment style that they automatically start finding things such as perceived imperfections (“he’s weak in that area” or “he isn’t as intelligent as I am”) as a way of keeping from getting too close. It isn’t a conscious thing and may or may not have any bearing on reality but it helps them keep from getting closer than they are comfortable being. So, maybe it isn’t exactly a pride issue? I’m not sure. I mean, she truly is a strong and strong willed woman and of exceptional intelligence.
I haven’t yet gotten to the part where they give possible solutions to the dilemma this causes in marriage relationships. So I really don’t know what to do with it, yet.
I don’t know Pa’dam’s wife, and you don’t know me, but I think I have some significant differences from her. The sexes continue to have difficulty understanding each other’s perspective, even here. I asked questions here, even though our of hurt, to learn. And I did learn. I am trying to move in my husband’s direction as far as sex is concerned, because I know it’s a big deal. I am the one who pursued counseling, and he dragged his feet. You seem to paint me as unwilling to change snd uncaring, for my husband. So maybe it does go back to the physical need for men, and the women’s emotional well being doesn’t matter. Just do it, woman, because it’s part of marriage. Your emotional side is just as unnecessary as foreplay. (That was indeed funny.) Got it.
I know you write often about husbands being loving and sensitive toward their wives. Wonderful. You threw me under the bus as a wife who doesn’t want to build a better sex life with her husband, as a wife who is indifferent. Neither of those things is true. I will stop encroaching on this space.
@P
Please don’t. I get what you’re saying and, it does look like that, but I’m guessing that was not what was intended. From what I have read both here and on the other blog, they want to help everyone they can and with as much grace as they can.
I can’t guarantee they’ll have an answer for your situation or mine, but I think we stand to learn from each other’s perspective. If you can put up with my venting, I’ll be glad to put up with yours. Your perspective offers unique insight into what is otherwise all mystery to me and may help me better understand and connect with my wife.
I can offer no great wisdom or insight myself but perhaps the Lord can use my rankings to help you in some small way as well. I’d appreciate it if you stay.
Pa’dam,
Your “venting” seems very heartfelt, honest, and sincere. I think it’s very helpful. And I don’t think you are disparaging your wife. I’m glad that this is a place you can speak your mind, and heart, and get feedback.
I may have misunderstood GH’s comment. And I think I overreacted… especially if I didn’t understand his comment correctly.
I don’t want to detract anything from GH’s work here.
P,
Thank you for your kind words. Stick with us here. We’re all working to smooth the broken and heal the hurting places in our lives. Our rough and raw edges are bound to rub each other’s rough and raw edges wrong at times. We all need to give one another grace, as you are doing here.
I believe having your input is a valuable gift as we seek healing and answers. Thank you for blessing us in this way. I pray that we can all bless one another as we walk this difficult and often painful path together. Let’s all pray for one another for grace and healing. Let us also pray that the Lord will guide our heartfelt efforts and work miracles for His glory.
@P – I did what? That was certainly not the intent of this post, and honesty I can’t figure out how you saw that in it.
This post is an attempt to make men aware of a very real problem. That problem is not indifference or unwillingness on the part of women. It’s bad teaching we are all struggling with.
I’m sorry I caused you pain.
I’m sorry if I seem to be so negative on here. It’s kind of my one safe place to talk about these things when I feel overwhelmed. I’m afraid I come here and bleed all over your blog posts.
There are positive things in my relationship and life as well. My wife is a wonderful woman, highly intelligent, hard working, dedicated to the Lord, and beautiful on top of all that. She can be a true delight to be around. Her friends are relatively few and close and they bless each other with their mutual support.
She is a wonderful mother to our children. She is careful to consider their needs and will often work sacrificially to be able to provide for them the things she believes that they need when we could not afford them on my salary alone.
If it seems I speak only negative of her, it is primarily because this is where I can safely vent the anguish and frustration. I would not want to say any of these things to anyone who knows her, lest I poison their relationship. After all, these issues are not their issues. They are largely due to our very different attachment styles (she being largely avoidant style while I am largely anxious style. Those two attachment styles are the two that will struggle the most, it seems) plus the bad choices I made in the past.
It does bother me, though, to put such an unbalanced perspective on here. I don’t know how best to go about it but I will try to balance it out better.
P, please pause and reconsider. We aren’t condemning each other. We are trying to share perspective and potentially heal the damaged beings we all are. That may come across frustrated or other negative. It appears you are shutting down in this thread. I ask that instead help share a diff view point to those of us that feel stuck in our own place and relationship. What are we maybe blind to or missing perspective?