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On Thursday, I talked about learning better tactics rather than better behaviour. Today, let’s think about how we do that with sex.
First, let’s talk about why the temptation to do this is so strong with sex. If you’re not having as much sex as you would like, you probably think about that a good deal. You become hyperaware of things that might reduce the chances of sex. If it’s been days since you’ve had sex, and you have some bad news, it’s tempting to wait and share it after sex. It’s common to hide or downplay things because they will likely get in the way of having sex.
We also do this by finding something that works and sticking to it like it’s a magic formula. That could be how we ask for sex or the type of foreplay we use. And while this is not necessarily bad, it’s going to get old. But when you feel you’re not getting enough, you don’t want to risk doing anything that could mean even less.
Much of this is about losing sight of the bigger picture. We are all about what we need right now, and we don’t think about how we want our sex life to continue and improve over the years. Sex, like marriage, should be playing the long game, making small sacrifices today, so things are better in the long run.
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I’ve thought about this a lot. And I do think about changes in our sexual relationship as being a “long game.”
We did not get to this place overnight, it is a problem that has developed (and then become solidified) over a very long time. In our case, it took us decades to get to this place of being “stuck” in an endless cycle of rejection, avoidance, loneliness and pain. I’m grateful that we are making progress.
You don’t make huge changes to a decades old pattern overnight, this will be something that changes over time.
So, I focus on working on me. So I work on losing my pessimistic view of things, and work on being positive, I reach out asking for intimate connection in non-sexual ways more often than I initiate sexual intimacy.
Patience is required, that and taking the long view.