Podcast: Download
Subscribe RSS
Perfection is always a problem, and one area where it can do great harm is our sex lives.
If your wife feels she never does well enough, she may stop trying. That doesn’t necessarily mean she stops having sex, but it will mean she won’t put effort into making it what you want it to be. Can you blame her? If her best efforts aren’t enough to please you, why should she put herself out just to be a failure? It is fine to let her know what you want, but be reasonable, and be grateful for what she’s doing now. Thanking her, especially when she makes an extra effort, will encourage her to try even harder. Understand that she has neither a penis nor a male mind, so she doesn’t know how either works or how to best pleasure them. Give her help learning about your mind and your body, and encourage her as she learns.
The other side of this is turning down an offer for sex because it’s not what you want. There are several problems with this:
- You can send the “you’re not good enough” message I warned about above.
- Rejecting any honest offer is bad form, and it reduces the chance she will make such an offer in the future.
- If you say you’re really horny, then turn down a hand job, what does that say to her? Will she believe you the next time you tell her you “need it bad”?
- Quality sex is born out of quantity sex; the more you have, the better it gets.
- Judging if she “means it” or is just offering “mercy sex” is a bad plan. Accept what she says at face value.
- Sex is a great way of bonding, and maybe she needs that even more than you need release.
Please don’t let perfectionism limit your sex life!
[This post first appeared July 28, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Ambrophoto | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
“Judging if she “means it” or is just offering “mercy sex” is a bad plan. Accept what she says at face value.”
I think this is a bit more complicated than you suggest.
I think of this as the question of whether I am hearing an authentic yes to my invitation to sexual intimacy.
For marriages where the lower desire spouse has been going through the motions to just get it over with, the higher desire spouse really needs to think about whether they are hearing an authentic “yes” to their invitation for sex. Sometimes that yes really only means, “I’ll do this to shut you up and make myself feel less pressured. And, so I can stop thinking about for another week/month/whatever.”
There is a difference between responding out of pressure, burden or guilt and making a loving gift to the needier spouse. Sex only out of burden or obligation is a bad thing for both spouses, and is not strengthening your marriage. Sometimes the right thing to do is, to say – “Lets do this only if you feel good about doing it.” Or, something like that. And, then say – “You know, that sounds like you really aren’t up for this right now. Lets do something else. Come cuddle with me on the couch.”
But, outside of that concern – if your spouse offers something just for you, accepting that as a loving gift is the wise course of action. Respond by being thankful and appreciative. Tell your spouse that you feel loved and cared for, and that you appreciate the gift.
While I agree with much of this in principle, there is sooo much more to a great sex life then accepting what’s being offered. I honestly don’t even know where to start.
First of, if you’re wife is by nature a withdrawer, emotionally and sexually, you basically can’t even talk about things or make a suggestion, however gentlye it may be, without her feeling like nothing is good enough. Even just a lack of showing enthusiasm for her attempt will bring on that feeling.
“Quality sex is born out of quantity sex; the more you have, the better it gets.”
It can be, but not necessarily. So much depends on the attitude of either partner. Many women and and even some men are tired of a good quantity of bad sex, because it’s not doing anything for them. I think a good solution is to be able to do what Robert suggested above, to be solid enough and not so desperate as to be able to say, “let’s do something else that doesn’t involve bad sex”!
“to be solid enough and not so desperate as to be able to say, “let’s do something else that doesn’t involve bad sex.”
This is the really difficult thing, if you have been having conflict over sex for a long time. This can be really difficult.
I did not do this well for a very, very long time. I am horrified that there were times over the years when she said “yes” but really meant “no” and I was not smart enough to understand that.
@J – Knowing your wife is always a good thing.
Such a complicated, distressing, frustrating issue, imo. It’s hard to understand why sex is such a giant deal for men. I will sound, likely, like a typical female, when I ask, “Is it just about the orgasm?”
My husband says it’s also about connection. I believe him. But I don’t get it. And, I don’t think men (at least my husband) understand how deeply personal and, well, intimate, sex is, and how difficult it is to surrender oneself when you’re not interested. Which happens often (not being interested). Why would I be interested when it’s an obligation? When he thinks it takes too long for a woman to finish? When he doesn’t have the desire or perhaps capability to understand what a woman needs? For decades? He does want to be a good husband and be sensitive.
I know sex is a very big deal for y’all. It seems like it is just for the orgasm. I don’t mean to be rude in saying that. I just don’t get how that is linked to “connection.” I feel like God has designed me to be a tool to meet man’s “need.” It doesn’t make me look forward to it. Yes, I want to love and care for my husband. More and more I don’t care, though. So should I pretend I’m interested? Or just go through the motions? How does one drum up interest? Why is it such a a big deal???? Marriage is hard. Then add figuring out a sex life. I honestly am wishing I had never gotten married, 30+ years later. I gave up everything. I used to like who I was. Now I’m the scapegoat for the family. But hey, let’s have sex! It will be fun!!! Why???!!! I don’t recommend marriage at all.
Obviously feel free to not post this comment on your page if it will upset men or be counterproductive. Maybe it will help some men understand how their wives feel.
@P – Is it just about orgasm? No. On the physical side, orgasm is nice, but really it’s just a bonus. Orgasm is like enjoying the flavour of food. But I’d need to eat even if I could not taste food. Men feel a physical pressure for sex, and getting release from that pressure is why sex is such a big deal to us.
If a man doesn’t get enough release, then he tends to get stuck in the physical. But if he’s not walking around sexually starving all the time, he starts to experience the emotional side of sex. The connection, as your husband says. Sex makes us feel close and intimate – it’s why so many men think sex when you say intimate. And eating can be used as an analogy here too. I’d much rather share a meal than eat alone. Scientists say that eating with others raises oxytocin and connects us. And they say sex does the exact same thing.
I hear what you are saying about it being difficult to “surrender oneself when you’re not interested”. But I don’t get it. I want to surrender myself to my wife. If I was mad at her, no. But otherwise sure. I suspect there is a gender difference here, and I wonder why. I think the word “obligation” is a big part of it. There are things I do with and for my wife I’d not do if she didn’t want them. But I don’t feel obligated. And if I did, yeah, that would suck. My guess is that sense of obligation is about how we are taught, but I could be wrong.
I’ve talked about the idea it takes her too long. I think that is very wrong and extremely hurtful. And it’s the result of bad teaching, including but not limited to porn. If my wife needed an hour, I’d made sure we had more than that when we had sex. In fact, I did just that in the past when she required a long time. My teaching was this was what was right.
You said, “I feel like God has designed me to be a tool to meet man’s ‘need.’” You are not alone in that, and it makes me so sad. I know a few men who feel that way about women, but really it’s a rare thing these days. And yeah, feeling like that, how could you want or enjoy sex?
Clearly, you have plenty of marriage issues beyond sex, and that makes sex all the more difficult. If I was working with you and your husband, I suspect I would think those things were what needed to be dealt with first. I’d suggest a diet of simple sex “just for him”, with him understanding what that means and why you are doing it, until most of the other stuff was resolved. Then we could deal with sex, try to make changes that would result in sex becoming enjoyable for you.
I thank you for taking the time to share. Your experience is real, your feelings are valid, and you are not the only woman who feels this way. I’m sad for you, and you have my prayers.
@TGH
I believe you are correct about the teachings and obligation. Obligation is a big issue in our marriage and it has frankly been very puzzling to me. There are many things that would fall under the same category of obligation the other way, as in I am obligated to do this or that for my wife that I don’t necessarily want or feel like doing at any given moment. It’s part of marriage. It’s part of the commitment and a loving relationship. I do them anyway in spite of the fact that they could be viewed as “obligations.”
Yet for years she never considered it from that perspective. I didn’t see a problem with some things being obligations between us and I was puzzled and at times even frustrated that she did.
Lately, I noticed that she started to make some of that connection in a way that broke my heart. I have always enjoyed giving shoulder rubs, back scratches, and massages, though arthritis in my hands means I can’t do it as well or as long as I once did. Different times I have mentioned that I also really enjoyed receiving them and that I hoped that one day she would reciprocate some. After 20+ years of marriage, she declined my shoulder rub last time because she had decided that it meant an obligation of her giving me one in return. She mentioned that she doesn’t always enjoy them anyway and doesn’t want to rub mine so she die want me to rub hers anymore.
I was devastated. I hadn’t asked for an even trade, just hoped for her to rub mine back sometime and thought that it wasn’t too much to ask. I guess it was. Now I’ve lost the joy of rubbing hers and learned that she sometimes just put up with it rather than enjoying it.
Obligation has become a nasty word to me now. It isn’t that I am afraid of obligations but rather of how she reacts to them. What fresh hell will be unleashed next?
@Pa’dam – It’s a tricky thing. God expects certain things, which I would call obligations. But when our hearts are right, we don’t do those things out of obligation. Obligation is a safety net – when we are acting out of it something is wrong.
I am sad for the hurt you felt from your wife’s reaction. It is definitely painful to know that one we care about doesn’t hold the same thoughts for us, in big issues and not so big issues.
I think “obligation” can be applied to different circumstances in different ways. I’m not classifying any of those perceptions as right or wrong here. As I know, too, the hurt is real. How to understand and respond to that hurt will likely vary based on the situation. I’m far, far, far from an expert on any of this.
It sounds like the thought of me viewing sex as an obligation (at times) didn’t sit well with you. I have no problem with you having an issue with me saying that. That being said, there is a difference, or a few differences, between the two situations, that in my opinion put them into different categories.
God doesn’t mandate back rubs in Scripture. He doesn’t require a woman, or man, to regularly engage in that. But He does require… require…sex in a marriage, unless a couple has agreed to abstain for a short time for prayer and fasting. Because God designed a man to physically need sex, the wife is the tool, or partner, through or with which that happens. In a perfect world it would be romantic, emotionally fulfilling (whatever that means), equally and fervently desired, fun, satisfying, etc. But alas, it’s not a perfect world, as we all know. I don’t know how to emotionally and relationally handle that literal, Scriptural requirement on me when there is discord, lack of understanding between us, hurt, and lack of interest on my side.
Honestly, my “love language” is gifts of service. I love doing things for others, to serve them. I don’t want ior need recognition for it. Sex is a whole different category, in my opinion, with the emotional depth, and being one with one’s spouse.
I appreciate your thoughts.
@P
Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry if you felt I was upset at you or something you said or did. Now isn’t a good time to type out a better response but I want to clarify that I was responding primarily to the obligation theme that had come up rather than you specifically. As you can see, it strikes a resonant chord on a nerve that is particularly raw just now. I am hurting, puzzled and don’t know what to make of all this. I hope I did not say anything to hurt or offend.
It sounds like we agree in a great many respects. We have different perspectives of the same problem and we are both baffled. I might say more later or maybe it will be better if I don’t. Again, thank you for your kindness. I needed it. May the Lord bless you and TGH both for your kindness.
Marriage is hard, isn’t it? Much more difficult than I anticipated. Because we’re human. : )
I have prayed and will pray for you and your wife. Our marriages are the perfect ground for God to show His power, imo, as He works in the two different parties to love each other unconditionally. The journey is really tough right now. I hope God will be glorified through both of our marriages. And I hope we can both get to a place where we enjoy our marriages again.
I wasn’t offended in any way by what you wrote.
Thank you. I agree with you on all points you made here. I am grateful for your prayer and I also pray for you and your husband. May the Lord glorify His name in all of this and may He bring peace and joy as He heals our wounds.
TGH,
Thank you for your thoughtful and gentle response. And for correcting my typo. : )
You are absolutely correct that we have plenty of marriage issues beyond sex. It has become hard to have hope for any change, but I’m trying to work on myself to hopefully assist the process. My husband is a rare bird, imo, in a very good way, in that if he receives negative feedback, he sees it as an opportunity to become better, and he works toward that. Him actually grasping and understanding what the real issue is, is a large part of the challenge. He doesn’t think things are a big deal. I don’t fully understand why we’re in such a convoluted mess, much less how to get out of it. But I know it is there. I see the mess. It’s very obvious, and has been for decades. I feel the mess. Deeply. My husband, not so much. He thinks we need to just move on from the damage created in the past and build forward. To me, if we don’t understand how we screwed up the foundation, then our building will still be very unstable. Those are issues for another post. Or for years of therapy. : )
I understand the analogy of a man’s need for sex being like needing to eat. The description of it being like pressure is helpful. Is it like (but different, I would think) when one needs to urinate? Obviously not as urgent…
It is still difficult, for me, to be the designated (by God) relief giver when there is great pain in the relationship. And when the man doesn’t think there is reason for that pain, or blames the wife for that pain, etc. It’s hard to surrender when you’re not taken seriously. When his lack of understanding of the problems turns into blaming me, and then my kids blaming me. (For familial issues.) The pain has then grown even bigger.
Maybe it is my fault for not just being able to forgive and move forward. I’m trying. To forgive is one thing. To trust? To surrender? An entirely different thing. To have sex with someone you don’t trust to value you, your concerns, interests? Not likely to happen easily. Not with a joyful, peaceful, willing, or eager attitude, anyway. Even the sex “just for him” is a challenge. I get it, but it seems like a chore along the lines of doing the dishes, because it needs to be done. But it’s much, much more personal. For me as a woman, anyways.
I absolutely do not begrudge a man for having a sex drive. I don’t understand why God gave (most) women much less of one. Maybe to help both sexes learn to serve one another.
Thank you again for your response.
@P “Is it like (but different, I would think) when one needs to urinate? Obviously not as urgent…”
That’s not a bad description. It’s vague, and we can’t really identify where it or what it is. One doctor has suggested that full seminal vesicles puts pressure on a nearby nerve.
I understand that you are in pain, and it’s greater than the discomfort that a lack of sex causes hubby. I’m sorry he doesn’t understand or care about that pain. And yeah, surrendering in that situation is extremely difficult.
He does care, I think, limited by what he is able to grasp. At least that’s my guess. Maybe we’re all in that boat, to one degree or another.
Warm regards.
Thank you for posting this!
For young men sex is very much about orgasm, unfortunately! But as we get older it changes. Judging by your 30 year marriage, your husband would be very much in that age range where sex becomes mostly about connection. By sex I don’t mean just what happens in bed or the orgasm, but also what happens in your sexual interaction with each other. By it I mean talking about sex, sharing what each of you like, looking for ways to better engage each other sexually, sharing things we read, listened to, thought about, sexually. That generates connection, which will lead to sex in the bedroom, which will make him feel connected to you, which will make him want do anything to make you happy, including being sensitive, helping, doing things for you and talking about things you like.
But I realize you are in a deep dark hole when it comes to your sexual relationship. It is very hard to see the light from there and to imagine anything good for the future. I’ve been there, my wife has been there and many others here are in that place.
I really hope God will show you a glimpse of light soon!
Thank you for your kind response. I’m hoping so, too.