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Let’s talk about beforeplay.
Foreplay is what you do to get her body going. It’s what, metaphorically, makes her open her legs. But in order for foreplay to work, her mind has to be in the right place. If she’s not feeling close and intimate, she’s not going to be into sex. If you manage to arouse her body, she still won’t want to have sex, and if she does it, she won’t be glad she did when it’s over.
Beforeplay is what you do to get her to open her heart and mind. It’s what causes her to want to be sexual with you. It’s what makes her want foreplay, and what follows.
Beforeplay comes in two forms. There is the steady stream of things you do to make her feel loved, cherished, and heard. Then there are the things you do before sex that flow into foreplay.
The stream of things you do day in and day out is critical. You can’t turn it on a couple of hours before you want to have sex; you have to do it all the time. It’s loving words, acts of service, listening to her, and general kindness and courtesy. If you don’t do this, odds are your sex life is not what you want. It’s absolutely critical.
What you do before sex is more of a transition. It’s moving from non-sexual intimacy to sexual intimacy. A slow back rub is a great way to do this. Snuggling up on the couch before bedtime is a good choice. Taking a shower together might work. Just be aware she can’t make a fast hard switch to sexual mode the way you can. Beforeplay helps her transition.
If you do the all the time form of beforeplay well, the just before sex version is less critical. Still wise, but it’s a boost, not trying to make up for not doing it apart from wanting sex.
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Great post! I’ve found this to be very true in my marriage. My wife is now very affectionate and physically intimate with me because she feels loved, emotionally connected, and safe when we are intimate. I allow her to initiate as the one with the lower libido. Since she knows I won’t try to force myself on her or touch her sexually when she’s not interested, she has opened up more and more than ever in our married life together.
So now are you going to follow that up with a ‘how to fix it’ post? The problem is there is no way to fix it. I’m so frustrated with marriage I hate it! What you describe on the way up is also a bottomless spiral down. I get frustrated, she knows I’m frustrated so she has even less interest in sex. After 20 some years I know she sees through the facade. I try to show love by being kind, but I’m totally sick of the little hugs and kisses she wants every now and then. It virtually never is followed up by anything more. (Notice that I don’t say ‘never’, but in my book it is ‘never’. Once every month or two equals ‘never’ to me.) I’ve had my hopes dashed too many times. Don’t want to go there ever again. There is a gulf between us in bed big enough to drive a bulldozer through. I know it and she knows it and we both know the other knows it. I wish someone had been able to convince me 40 years ago that marriage would be this miserable.
@Cold Heart- What you needed forty years ago was someone to convince you to not settle for not enough and a slow decline. By putting up with that, you told her it was okay and she could keep doing it.
Very true. Now just to get her mind to work that way. All of the little things I do to make her life a little easier and show her that I love her? To her mind, those are par for the course and relationship work is what we do beyond those. They’re just the baseline that show that I’m not a deadbeat. Beforeplay? Yeah, WAY before. Kinda like having a job and a pulse. As a general rule, sex and physical intimacy don’t enter her thinking until I bring them up. She doesn’t let them.
I’m not trying to argue, though. I’m sorry if it comes across that way. There’s a really raw nerve here. I actually agree with you. I believe it really is supposed to work like that. You do little things to show you care, as you are able, it makes the wife feel loved and cared for (and she tends to reciprocate), your relationship grows stronger and closer, things in the bedroom move much more naturally and smoother. I truly believe that is how it should work.