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This post is mostly a repeat of what I said to the ladies yesterday over on The XY Code. I think it’s an important issue, and I want as much exposure as possible. There is a post script at the bottom for husbands.
A new book that talks about kids and parents is getting a lot of press. Some love it. Some hate it. The book is The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, and the title should tell you why some folks hate it. We’ve been told that kids do fine as long as they have a loving parent. We’ve been told two parents isn’t really better, and that those who claim a child needs a father are old-fashioned or misogynistic.
Author Melissa Kearney offends even more people by saying children of a married couple are even better off than those raised by a couple who are not married. What makes her book really offensive is that she supports her claims with data. She shows that children from single mother homes are less likely to graduate from high school, get a college degree, or have high earnings as adults. What’s more, children of a single mother are five times as likely to live in poverty.
As for marriage, Kearney says, “If you just look in the data, marriage is what delivers kids a stable, long-term, two-parent household in this country.”
What I really want to focus on is that the US has the highest rate of children living in a single-parent household IN THE WORLD! Various sources say 27% of our kids live with a single parent, and no other adult! And 80% of these are with their mother.
Why do we lead the world in this? Why are we having this problem? In a country where almost two-thirds of the population claims to be Christian, we can’t blame this on the world. European countries with lower percentages of Christians have fewer children in single-parent homes. What are we doing wrong, and how do we fix it? How does the Church address this?
I don’t have answers, this is primarily about raising awareness. We need to do what we can to help couples in trouble. We also need to speak up when we see bad marriages in the making before the couple says “I do”. Don’t sit by and watch someone you care about make a mistake that will hurt them and any children they have. I’d also encourage you to be a squeaky wheel about this in your church. Caring for marriages needs to be a major push in every church in the country.
Now for husbands. This information means “staying for the kids” is both valid and important. I know men who stayed in a dead, miserable marriage for their children, and I have a great deal of respect for them. They will never get the acclaim they deserve, but then that’s not why they did it. I know some of you will face this choice, and I encourage you to understand how what you choose will affect your children for the rest of their lives.
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Big part of it is how we do family law. From the 1960s to the 1990s, AFDC had a “father out of the house” rule that decimated black families and led the unwed parenting rate to skyrocket, and other family law provisions weren’t much better. You’ve got subsidies for daycare, TANF, child support, and a lot more things that create an incentive to “go it alone”, and neither political party is willing to touch that third rail. One, the Democrats, rejects the “single parenting causes problems” hypothesis almost completely.
Then you’ve also got a society that doesn’t value itself; if you go to Europe, you’ll see a lot more “that’s not how we do things here”, and you’ll see the same thing in Asia. That manifests itself in “babies made without much of a relationship”, and also in things that end up destroying relationships like drug/alcohol abuse, promiscuity, and the like.
@Robert Perry – We certainly have done things that have hurt the idea of family. And now we have folks claiming it doesn’t matter. I’m glad Kearney has shown the proof it does matter.
I read both of your posts about the book, and also several reviews. I might think about reading the book. I didn’t see any reviews that called the book misogynistic. I do think shaming single/divorced mothers for the poor outcomes their children might have while completely ignoring fathers is misogynistic.
I live in a fairly liberal, well educated area. I think most parents definitely think it is more challenging for children when mom is making most of the effort and dad is largely absent I’m confused on one hand why ultra Conservatives will shame single moms but just adore a potential Presidential candidate who is twice divorced and has had children by three different women. I don’t think any of the potential candidates are good, by the way. From what I understand red states have higher rates of divorce.
I attended a large Catholic system at a time where almost nobody had parents who were divorced. The Catholic Church showed little compassion towards those who were divorced. Some families had significant dysfunction. I wonder in those cases would it have been better for parents to divorce than have their children live in constant conflict.
Most European countries have some form of universal healthcare. Have no idea what effect that might have on rates of children living in two parent households. Not having that financial stress of an expensive medical bill couldn’t hurt though.
Some European countries struggle with alcoholism–not sure why the above commenter thinks this is a uniquely American problem. Countries like France have a drinking culture that can be extremely harmful for some. Many may handle that one glass of wine at lunch just fine–others not so much.
One of the statistics I found most interesting is that a child who has a mom who has a bachelor’s degree is far less likely to have divorced parents as compared to a mom who has a high school education or a mom who did not finish high school.
@Denise – I saw an article about the book that said the range of reviews was from praise to claims of misogyny. I’ve seen such things said about those who claim marriage is important, so I don’t doubt it’s out there.
I have no intention of shaming anyone. But when the fast make some choices look bad, so be it. Ignoring the truth lest we hurt someone’s feeling is not loving. I agree, fathers are part of the picture. And while it’s easy to say women do most divorces, the truth is many women are given little choice by the actions of their husbands.
As you say, these issues are worse in red states. Again, the church does not seem to be making the difference it should.
I think the shame issue is a big one, and it’s one place the church often gets it wrong. I have long seen single mothers and their children as the widows and orphans of our age. If we started treating them the way the Bible tells us to treat widows and orphans, it would help. Many years ago, I attended a church that was doing well financially. The elders decided that for months with five Sundays, the fifth Sunday’s offering would be given to the single mothers in our congregation. It was always the biggest offering of the month. They also had a monthly car clinic in the church parking lot where men from the church would do oil changes, brake jobs, and other car fixes for single moms either free or for the cost of parts. We need to see a lot more of that!
@TGH
I love that the church did that! I wish all churches did that and more!
I also agree with you seeing many divorced mothers as a modern version of widows. I know there are some, and I know some personally, who literally get pregnant and “raise” babies by themselves specifically for the handouts. My cousin is a product of that. Her bio-grandma literally bribed the mom to sign the adoption papers to get her out of that mess. Shortly afterwards, she went out and found a guy to get her pregnant again.
So, yes, they exist but I also know so many who’s husbands have divorced them to go find someone else. Others were abandoned without a particular reason given. In today’s church, they are all too often expected to wait for him to come to his senses for years while he may be completely out of the picture. Effectively, they cannot marry, many think, and so they are stuck as “widows” who must provide for AND raise their children alone.
It is truly heartbreaking. And I do agree that the husbands and fathers in the situations ought also to be held accountable. I do not say that even those women who choose that life are the only ones who bear the shame and blame for it. It does take two. In the case of many of the friends I know, the women probably hold very little of the responsibility and I would look more at their absent husbands. Did they do all they could to work through the relationship issues? Did they go to counseling?
On the other hand, the women are often looked at BECAUSE they are the ones raising the children alone. That isn’t because of blame regarding the situation necessarily so much as who is there with the kids after all is said and done. Sometimes that’s because the guy is worthless and disappears, leaving her with no choice. Sometimes, she does choose to have babies without commitment. I think more often it is because the courts gave custody to the mothers in nearly every divorce for a very long time. Whatever the reason, moms ended up raising the children without dads more often than the other way around.