Overcoming Erection Difficulties: Solutions for a Satisfying Sex Life

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Our survey on Why Men and Women Say No to Sex showed that 11% of men say no because of premature ejaculation, and another 11% say no due to erectile difficulty. There is probably some overlap, but basically one man in five is not having or is limiting sex due to these problems. That saddens me a great deal.

I’ve studied these issues for three decades. I know both issues present challenges, but I also know that neither has to keep a couple from having a mutually satisfying sex life. Today I will discuss erection difficulties, and next week climaxing too fast. Even if you’ve never had trouble with erections, I urge you to skim what follows so you’ll know if it ever is an issue.

Erectile Difficulty, aka Importance, aka “Why are you doing this, mini me?!”

She says yes, but your penis says no; major bummer, major embarrassment. Some guys would rather go without than risk not rising to the occasion. Many turn to masturbation instead, leaving their wife confused and hurting. PLEASE don’t just drop out of your sex life; there are solutions. First, let’s look at why this happens:

• Temporary: Drugs and alcohol can impair your ability to get hard. Stress and tiredness can do the same. Emotional issues can also do this, especially relationship issues. If the issue happens suddenly, one of these is likely the cause. If you don’t tell your lady why you think it’s happening, she will probably blame herself. BTW, if she’s hot and bothered, at the very least offer to take care of her by hand or mouth. And see below for having an orgasm without an erection.
• Medical issues: These generally happen gradually, although you may miss the early signs. Your erections become weaker and weaker until you’re not firm enough to penetrate, or can’t stay hard long enough to finish intercourse. Most of the medical causes of ED are things that can kill you, and loss of erections may be the only warning sign you get. The message here is, if your loss of erections can’t be tied to anything listed above or below, take it as a loud warning buzzer telling you to see a doctor before you make your wife a widow. If I’m scaring you, good; this is serious.
• Testosterone: This is the first thing most men think, or hear from a friend, but it is really not a common issue. Unless your T levels are very low, they’re not going to affect your erections. Low T levels will usually end your desire for sex before they end your erections, so if you want it and can’t get hard enough, it’s probably not testosterone. Regardless, checking this is part of what a doctor is going to look at after excluding things that will kill you.
• Age: Recent studies say impotence is not an inevitable part of ageing. It’s more about erection killing conditions becoming more common with age. That said, age does change how our body reacts sexually, and some men misunderstand these changes and what they mean. When we were young, just the thought of sex meant an immediate, full erection that was going to be with us until we had completed the sex act. With age, this all changes. We don’t get erect as fast, don’t reach full erection as quickly, and may not get to what we once knew as 100%. It takes more than a “yes” or a bit of nudity to get us hard, and most men will eventually need manual stimulation of the penis to become firm enough for intercourse. Additionally, erections tend to wax and wane far more as we age. You might get erect early on, and then lose most or all of your erection during foreplay. Or you might get hard and go soft several times during foreplay. None of this is a problem; it is just the new normal.
• Obesity: Being overweight wilts erections. That could mean less hard, or not hard at all. Being obese about doubles your odds of impotence, and BMI predicts ED more accurately than age. Losing weight will help. Getting more exercise will help even without weight loss.
• Porn: There are a growing number of reports of men who can only get an erection when they use porn. Prior to the Internet, most men couldn’t get enough porn to have this problem, but now there’s an unlimited amount of porn of every kind. The brain just can’t cope with this, and after a while, it becomes difficult to get an erection without some new porn image. The solution to this is to go cold turkey – no more porn, period. It takes 30 to 60 days for the brain to reset and have erections apart from porn.
  On the other hand, porn may be masking another issue. The arousal factor of porn may get you hard where other things can’t. This is generally a short term “fix”. As the condition gets worse, even porn won’t make your penis stand at attention.

What you can do about it

• Viagra® and other such drugs can help most men. If you do go with pills, you may be able to cut your cost by getting the higher dosage and cutting the pills in half (you can get a splitter on-line made to cut the oddly shaped pills). You can also save a great deal by getting generic versions from Amazon Pharmacy. Note: Viagra® requires time to work, and only lasts a short time. Cialis® is good for up to 36 hours, so you can have sex when you like.
• If you can get an erection but then lose it, or get only a partial erection, a penis ring may be all you need. Do NOT use a ring of any kind for more than half an hour.
• You can have intercourse without an erection by using a support rod system such as The Elator, which stretches the penis and leaves the head exposed. It looks odd, but I’ve talked to men who used it and found it was a great solution.
• A vacuum pump will give any man who with a pulse an erection – as long as the pump chamber remains in place. If you use a pump to get an erection, a constriction ring will keep your penis erect. This results in an erection from the body out, whereas a normal erection is the entire penis, including the half that’s inside the body. Without the root being erect, the penis will pivot where it joins the body. Some men find this a problem, many do not.
• Sex without an erection is an option. You can pleasure her in a number of ways, and she can bring you to orgasm without an erection. Oral sex is particularly good, but with practice, she can learn to bring you to climax with her hands as well. A powerful vibrator will also work, or get a vibe that wraps around the head of the penis.
• Pseudocourse is a near intercourse act which can be done with a partial erection. You lie on your back, legs together; she mounts you as if you were going to have intercourse with her on top. Your penis is against your body, pointing towards your chin, so that the underside is exposed. She positions herself so your penis comes into contact with her vulva, between her outer lips. She then either pushes against you (as if thrusting), or slides up and down the length of your penis. With her clitoris rubbing against the most sensitive part of your penis, you can both reach climax. Changing the point of contact and the amount of movement will change the intensity of the stimulation for each of you, making it possible to orgasm at about the same time. Pseudocourse is more than just physically enjoyable; it can provide the emotional contact which many find missing in manual or oral sex.

The bottom line is to not let embarrassment and fear rob you, and your wife, of a great sex life. I’ve spoken to a couple of men who said they had better sex after they become impotent because it forced them to really talk about sex and think about what they could do. Even if you’re willing to forego sex, you owe it to your wife to find a way to make it happen. Erection difficulties change sex, but it only ends your sex life if you choose for that to happen.

[This post first appeared July 21, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Antonioguillem | stock.adobe.com, Married Dance, & The Elator
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