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Yesterday I talked to the woman on The XY Code about asking for sex. If you’re the lower drive spouse in your marriage, I strongly suggest you go read and apply that post in your marriage. Otherwise, keep going here.
One thing that can make this easier for you is to stop asking. I don’t mean just wait for her, I mean propose sex without asking permission. Saying “I’d like to make love” or “Your sexy butt is making me horny” tells her what you want. Or say something like, “When can we have sex?”, which avoids the yes/no dichotomy. If you think doing those things will reduce the amount of sex you have, then you think coercion or guilt play a part in getting sex. If that’s the case, it’s a problem, and it’s hurting your marriage and degrading your sex life.
I’d also suggest trying to communicate what you want and how much you need it. Most women don’t want to hear “I need to come” but letting her know if you need the intimacy of full sex versus something simpler that results in climax is helpful. Likewise, there’s a difference between “It would be nice” and “I’m not going to sleep well if we don’t”, and it’s fair to tell her that.
Some of this will be new to many wives, and they may not react to it well at first. But she should appreciate it with time, especially if you give different information on different occasions.
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I have struggled with this for a *really* long time.
What I have finally settled on, is something like “I’m missing you, I need some intimacy with you. Lets make a date for some lovemaking.” And, then I am patient – as in understanding that this may take several days to play out.
If you are the higher desire/active desire partner – then the burden of initiation falls almost entirely on you. Which is to say that the risk of rejection is all on you. And, that rejection is painful. And regular rejection is extremely painful.
I have had to really accept that I don’t have any control over our sex life – none. It is all up to her. She is the low desire/reactive desire partner. Her willingness controls what happens. I am not saying she is wielding her control as a weapon, only saying that is the reality. If she says no, its a no. I can’t change that.
I have become more observant about whether her “yes” is an authentic yes. I do not want us to have sex that she is only agreeing to because she feels pressured or guilty or burdened. We’ve done that, and it is horrible. I am now far more vigilant about whether her yes is authentic, when I doubt it – I ask. When I am right and her yes was not a real yes, we wait for another time.
Ah, yes, planning ahead…except that planning ahead doesn’t apply to sex for my wife. It’s quite bizarre really. My wife is very much a plan ahead person about most things, often months ahead. I am starting to see a few things where I plan ahead and she doesn’t such as fuel levels in cars but sex is one that we learned years ago that she most definitely did NOT want planned ahead. The issue has to do with her extreme aversion to not meeting her scheduled events combined with her aversion to feeling like she MUST have sex at any given time, even if she picks the time in advance. If something happens and her emotional state changes so that she doesn’t feel up to it when it is scheduled, she will feel obligated BECAUSE it is scheduled. Whether anything happens or not, the possibility that something could happen and she would be this locked in when she was no longer up for it automatically generates the emotional turmoil she dreads and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Logic, me telling her we can do reschedule if something does come up, nothing interrupts the cycle. It truly is quite vicious and a marvel to observe
It could very well be that my wife is her own worst enemy. I have noted before that I did hurt and betray her, yes, but what she had added to the list of things I did, when, where, and how frequently has been quite mind boggling. I don’t know where I’m supposed to have found the time for have of it. I know what I did was no laughing matter but we went over all I know and could recall (I do have some missing memories due to a significant concussion during that period of my life) in painful detail supposedly so that she could piece together what all did actually happen and avoid going mad from the what ifs that come up otherwise. That hasn’t stopped her at all. If anything, it just gave fuel and the phantom affairs filled in around the reality.
Sometimes she seems to give the idea that she has very little imagination but I can tell you emphatically that is simply not true. Her imagination is just busy keeping her worried stressed about things that didn’t happen and things that could happen.
I wonder if this is common?