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Are you and your wife having sex the same way you did a couple of years ago? A lot of couples find something that works and stick to it. If it still works, and you’re both happy with it, that’s okay. But as our lives change, our sexual desires and abilities change. What worked for you when you were newly-weds may not be great now that you have several preschool children. Having teens could also require a change. And as we age into retirement, changes in our bodies may necessitate doing things differently.
Even if what you’ve always done still works, it might not be the best sex you could be having.
I think we can get into sexual ruts because we figure, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But perhaps we need a lower bar for what’s broke. Mediocre sex when you could have better should count as broken. Another part of this is that many couples don’t communicate about sex well. Or at all. There may also be the fear that suggesting changes will make your wife think you’re no longer into her.
If any of this sounds like it might apply to your sex life, take advantage of the New Year to nudge the issue. If you’ve done it the same way for a long time, suggest some small changes might make it even better. Ask her if the time of day you’re having sex is ideal for her. Would she like more foreplay? Or perhaps less? Would she like different forms of foreplay? What about position, is what you usually do great, or just okay? Is there any part of your sex life she would be fine with removing? Is there something she would like to try?
Please make this discussion primarily about your wife’s comfort and pleasure. Show her you care about her, and want sex to be as good as it can be for her.
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We introduced a mirror and some minor rough play. We are in our late 60s and have finally removed the taboos of only some of our fantasies
@Max – Glad you got there. Sorry it took so long.
Thanks for this reminder!
Unfortunately as the emotional and sexual pursuer, me starting this conversation would lead to her feeling that she’s not measuring up. That is never a motivation for change.
There was a time in our marriage years ago, when I did a fair bit of these types of questions, trying to nudge us both to work on things, not stay in old ruts. It definitely worked to some extent in that we tried new things, like the mirror, having sex on the dinning table, other new positions in bed, role playing, etc.
On one hand it was more exciting, on the other hand it created so much strife and bad tension in our relationship, it almost ended our marriage.
I didn’t understand “why” at the time! I have since come to understand (through listening to a podcast of 2 professional sex and relationship therapists) the dynamic of a pursuer and distancer (avoider) in a relationship. Often women are the emotional pursuers and men the emotional avoiders. And sexually it’s usually the opposite. In our marriage I’m the pursuer in both areas and she the distancer in both.
It is extremely challenging to push or even nudge for any kind of change without making the distancer not feel like they are not measuring up. It is a devastating feeling for them, much like the feeling of rejection for a pursuer!
Would I love change? I’d give my left arm for it! It’s not even so much that I’d like change in what we do in bed. I’d love to be able to talk about our sexual relationship. I’d love to create sexual tension, feelings and desire through all forms of communication. I’d love for us to both be curious about sex and sexuality, rather than falling back on the usual one thing that we know will work. Im grateful for the one thing (back massage and vibe) that gets the job done. It’s good to know you have something that will work most of the time, if she’s willing. But wouldn’t it be nice if she was wholly discontented with our sex life?! That would be the best date night conversation for me, if she announced that to me over dinner tonight. Yet if I did it or even hinted in that direction, it could quite possibly be our next years of crisis.
And since she’s already mentioned that I owe her a back massage tonight, that’s what it will be!
@J – I understand your situation, and I suspect you are right that you can’t advance the issue without causing problems.
So sorry.