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Yesterday I said being too busy was a big marriage killer. Today, another one: defensiveness.
I’ve been guilty of this most of my marriage, and I can see how it’s hurt my wife. I still feel it inside on occasion, but most of the time I am able to keep it under control or rein it in before it gets bad.
For me, being defensive is a knee-jerk reaction from my childhood. My mother was demanding, and I often felt accused in some way. I know now there were better ways of handling it, but back then it was a way to protect myself. Today, it’s a habit that’s not doing me any favours.
My wife is reasonable. She doesn’t attack me, so being defensive is neither necessary nor helpful. And when she questions me, she has what seems like a good reason to do that. So either she misunderstands, or I need to think about my words and actions.
Even if your wife does edge on attacking you on occasion, defensiveness is not the answer. Yes, you should address the issue and correct as needed. But defensiveness is argumentative. It is generally rejected because it’s argumentative, and it brings about fights and hard feelings.
Because it’s such a reflex reaction, this marriage harming act is difficult to change. But if you work at it, you can beat it.
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Really trying to work on this. I think my wife is trying to attack less, too. I think that she didn’t actually intend to attack, for the most part, but she can tend to be very direct/assertive/in-your-face at times. Since I also have the knee-jerk reaction if defensiveness from my childhood, I naturally tend to react with that when she comes across as attacking me. I’m actively trying to respond instead of reacting, as someone over on the puredesire podcast (I think it was them) once recommended.
The funny thing is, the opposite is also true. My wife sees my default way of asking questions or suggesting possibilities as attacking if there is any hint that it could mean she was wrong or somehow at fault. She also instantly reacts defensively. I guess it isn’t just a guy thing. So I am also trying to be very careful about how I phrase things, tone of voice, etc. so as not to give the impression of attacking. So far I think my only real success has been to avoid any hint of her being at fault but I’m working on it.