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Sex “Just for him” is a common thing in marriages. Or at least it should be. “Sex just for her” should also be a thing, when the wife has a higher drive. When I say just for you or just for her, what I mean is orgasm for just that person. Hopefully the one who doesn’t come still enjoys the intimacy.
Allow me to make a suggestion that could make sex for just one easier, especially for the lower drive spouse. Make intercourse what you do when you both want to climax, even if that’s not how she gets there. It’s “full sex”, what you do when you both want it.
This means sex for just one of you is done by hand, mouth, or with a sex toy. It should still be loving and intimate, but physically it’s less involved and less of a commitment of time and energy. If the lower drive spouse is really tired, they can offer to “help as you do it”, meaning you both play with the sexy bits of the one who wants to come.
One good thing about this is it causes the higher drive spouse to consider if they just want release, or are in need of all that goes with sex. So you might say “I’d like intercourse if you do, but if not, I’ll wait”. Or perhaps she asks for something, you offer her a hand job, and she says she’ll wait for you to want it too. This dynamic helps both of you better understand the desires of the higher drive spouse.
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We have wildly different needs for sexual intimacy. We’ve been married quite a long time, so this has been an issue for us for several decades.
What we have finally figured out.
We both need a lot of affectionate touch. Non-sexual affectionate touch is important to me, and having that need *fully* met, helps me to deal with the difference in sex drives much better.
She will cuddle up to me and “help” while I uhhhhhh you know…. “take matters into my own hands” so to speak. We’ve found that this is something she can authentically say yes to, most of the time when I ask. That helps a lot. And most of the time, she actively participates by kissing and caressing, providing a loving assist you might say. I do all the work to get myself over the finish line, but she helps. The end result is that I feel connected and loved. Not my all time favorite way to play, but this is a positive thing that we can actually do with some regularity. She can feel good about responding to my need, I feel bonded and connected, so a win-win.
@Robert – Congrats on both being self-aware enough to find such a solution. And thanks for sharing.