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Do you and your wife give each other Christmas gifts? Perhaps a better question would be, “Does she expect a gift from you”?
The whole “It’s the thought that counts” thing is mostly true. And that means doing it right requires some real thought. It also means you can’t buy your way out of it.
Unless you have agreed to not exchange gifts, I urge you to put some time, thought, and energy into what you give your wife for Christmas. What does she really want? What would really make her feel heard and loved? If you don’t know, ask others what they think.
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I wish we didn’t have to give each other gifts for birthdays, anniversary, and Xmas. I use to love to get my wife nice things and had a friend that made custom jewelry. I had many very nice things made for her. Then I was told that I was not thoughtful and I she think of what she wanted not what i wanted to give her. I stopped do that then and there. I had given her a pair of 1 crt Ruby earrings for mothers day . I had hand picked the stones and the settings for them. They cost me almost 2k and i was told it was a meaningless and thoughtless gift. Then during covid i made pizza for her for a anniversary and her birthday as she was too afraid to go out and she use to love my homemade pizza. She told me that was also a thoughtless thing to do and was not special. I quit making pizza that day.
That is so very sad. I get it. I get your side and some of hers. I rarely can find something that I can do or buy for my wife that she would really appreciate for the gift I intend. We’re down to her giving me a short list of things she wants that is usually nothing special (and then I am asked to share said short list with her mom so she can figure out what to buy her, too) and I buy those. Since the list is short, there isn’t much mystery about what she’s getting because there aren’t enough options to leave much out anyway. She usually gets most of all of it.
On the other hand, I know that when we have had discussions about me feeling unloved because she doesn’t do x or y, she lists off many things she does that she feels should convey the same love to me. Most of it is appreciated but more for her than me. I get the idea that if I did those things she feels it would make her feel loved (I have and do when I can and her feeling loved is hit or miss but usually it doesn’t register with her either) so she thinks it should be enough for me. Reality is that while I usually appreciate the effort, I generally don’t care about the things she works so hard to get done (does the house really need dusted when there is no visible dust yet?) and would far rather she did one or two other things that would take a fraction of the time and effort instead of the many things she chooses. It takes real effort to focus on expressing appreciation of the fact that she has worked very hard at these other things and will be hurt if I minimize what she is doing.
Yes, I have tried to gently explain that these other things would mean much more to me. That just results in confusion and hurt that I don’t appreciate what she is doing and want her to add more to it (somehow the idea of doing some of what I want INSTEAD of some of the other things she is doing “for me” doesn’t register) and upset that I would expect this of her.